11:30 PM April 9 – 1976 - Zevin Towers, Wash DC
In honor of spring (and a letter from my old ski coach Devon) I quit my drudge job as architect’s Girl Friday, break up with Kyro who seems determined to torment me with “the other woman” (and to torment her with me) and flee my pointless Baltimore existence for Mom & Dad’s empty skyscraper pad in Washington DC. Dad was supposed to “consult” while Mom “bonsai-ed” everything that couldn’t get away. When she started on herself, he took her up to Maine (where she wanted to go all along.) She takes cortisone for bursitis; the doctor says a side effect is depression. Now they tell us. Anyway, sister Avril and I have a lush pad to ourselves. Devon finally answers the letter I sent him when my marriage was breaking up, talks about the dreamy Winter Carnival we enjoyed together (mostly in his bed.) Suddenly says he’s ready to commit to a “relationship”. Not clear if it’s with me. Apologizes for his long strange silence - he’s had so many “incomprehensible” experiences in S. America his personality became “dislocated.” Grateful to be back among God’s sacred snows & pines. I read that he both adores and fears my sexuality. That’s probably all that letters can accomplish. Soundtrack: “Funny…you been there…and I been here…” (America) Plympton, Mass. 3:45 AM – Sun 11 Apr 76 Devon drove all the way to DC just to pick me up – brought me up here where he has an apt. with his ski & tennis pro friends. He is still the most startling beautiful man I’ve ever seen and completely unaware of the fact. Called Winter Carnival “our fatal week”. We told each other the things we hadn’t said; I told him how all his friends took me aside to say how much they admired his “separateness”, “apartness”; spirituality. That’s why they elected him fraternity president. He said what they “admired” are actually his problems with people. Suffers from a strange amnesia about what we did, as if he’s afraid to use both sides of his brain at once. Told me he was such a carnal monster I was better off without him. Tears in his eyes as he asked, “Was I cruel to you? I can’t remember.” I said no, although taking my ski poles away to teach me better slalom technique might rank as cruelty. I should have said children are always cruel to one another. Returning he fell in with a stewardess named Angela – same girl he’s dated ever since I married Bruce. They came to Stone Orchard in response to my letter but when she realized he had to get drunk before seeing me she turned the car around. (Or was it Bruce he feared to meet?) Angela, who did all the heavy lifting I’m too proud for gave up on him. Says he regards me as ”rare and precious”; wonders aloud if I exist to “work out” his conflicts. I control myself to let him reach out. Sex will be better. New strategy; keep quiet and get him naked. But he’s so gorgeous I slap my hand every 15 mins. It does creep me out when he talks about “the Godhead”. Poor Angela. All I want is stay in flow with life, be honest and try not to explode from greed. He wants me to be a creature in his magic terrarium. Just woke up on sofa covered with down sleeping bag. Devon and I and his two friends Colin and Janet had the most gorgeous feast of scallops and wine – sherry before and B & B after – I got entirely bombed and passed out. Think I’ll go upstairs, wake D and see what happens. 8:30 AM – 12 Apr 76 What a night! So glad it happened though. Went upstairs and blundered around looking for Devon’s room – Colin came out naked with a giant erection and put his arms around me and hugged me. He kept patting my hair while I tried to get him to understand I was looking for Devon. He sent me in the right direction and I sent him back to Janet. Crawled in with Devon who seemed delighted – he was wearing only a t-shirt. He got up, put on a pair of underpants, got us an extra blanket, crawled back under the covers and held me. I knew Mother Nature was on my side – “Will you meet me in the middle, will you meet me in the air? Says America). We cuddled. 7:00 pm – Emotional breakthrough. Devon finally tells me the “problem”; he wants to be a minister. Took me to church; horrifically alienating. Mumble sans meaning and hilarious fumbling with tiny, tiny cups of grape juice that do not even aspire to be wine. I felt banished from touching him: we weren’t a couple. When we got home I told him exactly what was on my mind – do we have to be drunk to have sex? Who is the one requiring vaginal ejaculation? This mysterious pressure to push our sexuality onto me is not only hurtful, it’s impossible. He loosened up beautifully, relaxed, and we had a great talk. Says celibacy, hard as it’s been, is actually preferable to some of his traumatic experiences. (Some of which I actually know about because he talks in his sleep.) He says I’m the “continuity” in his life but that makes me “family” and he hates family. He said he most admires the way I “hold out” so casually against parents, school, life requirements – nobody affects me. Told him it’s not quite true; describe my year as an architect’s skivvy in Baltimore. I started with high hopes (and such a wardrobe) but I do all work, partners make all money. I said I want a real relationship but we have to keep forgiving each other. He said, he loves me and sky’s the limit. Right now he’s teaching tennis. Gone till 8. Nothing’s a disaster if I get a good poem out of it. Cloverleaf Alas I’ve lost the courage to show poems. Bruce argued every point as if it broke unwritten law. So I work on my novel instead; about hidden sex becoming hidden love. To be called, Secrets. Since secrets breed secrets there should be one on every page. 8 PM – Colin came in to say The Story of O is playing in the neighborhood – I said I know too much about it to want to see it and Devon would hate it. Colin says this religion thing is fucking Devon royally. Into which steps Devon. I’ve had nothing to eat today (only coffee) in an effort to purify my body. But I’m hungry now.
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Alysse Aallyn
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