Fri 8 Jan 71
Painfully stupid letter from Devon. I refused to let Armon read it but not for the reasons he thinks. It puts D in such a bad light I am embarrassed for him. It is disrespectful to our past & both of us. A furious insisting this breaks all our “deals”. But I still won’t let him read it. Hours of lovemaking improves the situation slightly. Barbara and I calling around for free clinics – I need my BC prescrip renewed. Terrific dinner with steak & wine. Sat 9 Jan 71 Horrifying “Leadership conference.” Students want to “take” everything that is not nailed down because “life has cheated them”. Life has cheated them because of a war they are not fighting. I said we need more women’s writer classes they answered Teach it yourself. Somehow I agreed to it – so didn’t go back after lunch because God knows what I would agree to. Worked instead on my Julian the Hospitaler story. So intense during the tiger scene I was shivering. Let A read it – he said my “animals had great humanity.” Best compliment I’ve gotten from him so far. Got Barbara reading Turn of the Screw. I’m reading Ellman’s Joyce. Tues 12 Jan 71 Last night rushed to get to Tamsin’s Children’s Lit but it was just the two of us! Very uncomfortable but we talked about everything; Turn of the Screw, my story, etc. Her past, coming from England as a war bride to a hopeless husband but her only way to get to America. Barbara asked me afterwards if I thought Tamsin’s interest in me “lesbian”. I said no: “vampiric”. Theatre class today so much fun – we played “statues” which is my favorite game. Completely free from “narrative”. Wed 13 Jan 71 A now jealous of my relationship with Barbara! I talk to her, fix snacks for her, play scrabble with her. All the tings I used to do with him! He is hopeless. I cried from sheer inadequacy – we both cried - feel like it is the first time we have been sad together. I yearn for a stone monastery muffled by snows where I would be ALONE but I can’t say that! Nightmare: I was on the boat – in my bunk looking out porthole into darkness rushing past – except it was a plane and I knew it was going to crash. Trying to reconcile myself to death – woke up so relieved! Trying Vol 1 of Dorothy Richardson’s Pilgrimage. A Neglected Female Novelist for my putative class. Not as good as Villette, alas. I think the autobiographical framework is getting her down. Too reminiscent of Voyage Out, which I never could get through. Given the job of interviewing students for the handbook. Sun 31 Jan 71 Rough days. A and I split up. I go to the Rideout’s new Washington house expecting balm but am made to feel like a spot on the furniture. One good thing: Rita has a complete collection of Dorothy Sayers (which I am borrowing.) Now I am at the Library of Congress waiting for Montague Summers’ books on demonology. Horrible experience at clinic – doc said sneeringly, “Didn’t your mother teach you how to douche?” But all the books say douching’s bad so he’s the douche. I demand another doctor. Barbara and I saw Winter Light & The Silence. (Last one best.) Bruce Vill comes over to play scrabble with us. He is strikingly beautiful. Wrote a sad letter to Devon, which I regretted – too late (of course) and one to M & D to tell them about Armon leavng. Dad called me a “camp follower” for going to Armon’s college – then Armon transferred to my college (he needs the deferment) now he says he wants to go to Bennington (where his acting coach is.) Who’s the camp follower now ? Mom at least liked Armon because he used to garden with her. But they’ll be relieved to be free of his Mom (who used to call them in the middle of the night to complain about me.) She won’t like A’s acting coach any better heh heh heh (older & married.)
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Alysse Aallyn
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