Mon 30 Nov 1970
I called Armon Sun & he told me he spent part of Sat night with Polly B – kissed and made out. The only reason they didn’t go all the way is she lacked contraceptives and didn’t want to do it in her husband’s house. First it was a shock, then I figured I should have known. Avril & I took Gen & husb to bus station. I am embarrassed to be in this situation. I am a confirmed monogamist but agree Armon & I are too young to make such a pact which probably waits for marriage. I called Armon back and said we probably shouldn’t be “faithful.” He said he’d think it over. Enjoying Schoenberg’s Passover Plot. Like the idea that the resurrected Jesus was somebody else carrying the resurrected message – I felt that way last spring, thinking I could EMBODY Shelley if I wanted to and that’s true immortality. It seems odd that Mary thought Jesus was the gardener. Met Armon this AM at “Hill Hall” , a dismal fortress t Walnut & 33rd. He got a ride from his brother’s girlfriend. I was standoffish and he was angry – this shouldn’t change things especially since I gave “permission.” But it does change things and I didn’t “give” anything, acknowledging we were too close and must have some distance. He doesn’t get it and accused me of being a “Catholic.” Didn’t feel I knew him well enough to argue with him. Armon says he doesn’t even LIKE Polly. NO ONE likes Polly. He says she’s “messed up.” I was a little hurt that he discussed this with his parents. Who needs them? They said he should move out. He won’t though, we have 2 bedrooms. I said he should buy out my half of the Volvo so we don’t have to depend on each other. What I really want to do is write Devon a letter. There’s an unfinished relationship! Genevieve said he’s been trying to get in touch with me. Made great love twice with Armon – I think he felt he hadn’t satisfied me enough. Came two times. Wed. 2 Dec 70 – Still Pewter Hill Ten mins to write – A & I have to get up early so I can take him to the train and I want to write about The Ordeal of Mark Twain which I just finished. His wife rewrote his books! But why did he let her? Lots I have to face abut Armon. He says he really loves me, probably because I’m his first. Isn’t that just a “habit”? But there’s so much he needs to find out about himself. We need to separate but I must help him as affectionately as I can. We need to make love less often – it’ very confusing. Sometimes I think I want Devon, other times I recognize a delusion when I see one. I think I’d be setting myself up for a fall – with Devon I can’t take the initiative or he’s scared off. Can’t even send a Christmas card. Mon 14 Dec 70 – Marlys Feeling lonely right now – A asleep in the next room. This is how you feel when splitting up. We drove in from NYC today. I got along all right with his parents but his grandmother tried to talk him into going to Yale, ignoring his awful grades. Her grande dame routine not working on me. A didn’t say anything as part of his “never trust anyone over 30” policy. Reading Marck’s Beethoven. Tues. 15 Dec 70 Sometimes I just want to hurt Armon so badly. We went to a really decent party tonight – people think we are together - I was surprised by how much rage I feel. I thought he would do something but he hasn’t so we’re in an intolerable position. This separate rooms thing is not working – it just means he doesn’t have to THINK. We have to separate. I hope I’ll feel saner when the time comes. I feel like Armon’s a bomb in my life. Tues. 22 Dec 70 – Pewter Hill Demeaned myself going into Armon’ s room and crying and saying I feel mutilated. Horrible. Had to come home right after that. Now when we talk on the phone we both croak – we’re sick. Makes things easier. He doesn’t want to go home but says he might go to Wis to work under Richard. I said that is a better plan than that “encounter group” he is interested in. I said I think what upsets me is that he’s deliberately looking for somebody he DOESN’T CARE ANYTHING ABOUT to have sex with. This seems pointless and doesn’t attract me. I would have to care SOMETHING by definition. Preston Pugh & his parents came to dinner. I know I could have him. Here’s a guy I went to bed with and I feel absolutely nothing for him. Further demeaned myself by sending Devon a card. No answer of course. Merrill & Julio already here, Gen & Kent due tomorrow night. Snowing and the place looks pretty. My brain begins to fill. Writing a werewolf story.
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Alysse Aallyn
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