Mon 8 Feb 71
Armon moved out today. First Armon confessed he made love with his acting coach Lila. She told him he had to, otherwise he’d be “putting up walls,” and he kept it a secret because I “was acting so strange.” I said, Fine, we’re done. He said, why suddenly so uptight? I refused to explain; we no longer know each other well enough. Told him he could buy the car for $400 but cats & apt are mine. Lila called me later “Let’s be friends.” Stuttering. (The other woman.) Asked me if I knew anyone she could stay with in New York City! (I suggested Armon’s Park Ave grandmother! Ho ho Ho.) Taken by surprise but I handled it well. (Barbara said it was an insult.) Bruce Vill obviously courting me but I remain aloof. Barbara says she’d take him if she could (but Eric’s coming.) I want to learn how to work alone. 22 Feb 71 I’m in love with Bruce Vill! How the hell did that happen? Went to a party where we crawled through a white cloth series of tubes, a labyrinth. Bruce coming the other way, so laughing and beautiful I was instantly smitten like someone in a Shakespeare play. Just when I was feeling so free! I can’t write, though. I told Lynne, I need to know where my next sexual and emotional meal is coming from. She said, “Beats being a sex object up for grabs.” Really made me laugh. Now how to put a spell on Bruce… He seems to respond to just the right amount of coldness. Lynne says I don’t have to do anything. Feel bad about this ending with Armon. We knew each other so well. Too well, maybe. Tamsin gave me her book to read. Embarrassed because it’s dull & cliché ridden. Filled with loveless screwing. Friction with Barbara. Nothing obvious, just under the surface. Time for her to move out. A brand new love affair is exactly what I need. 2 Sept 71 – Thurs – Chevenix College, Marlys, MD Summer appears to be over. Responsibilities piling up. Soon I’ll be an employee of the college (Downstairs Theatre) and all my rhythms will have changed. I concocted a long speech of Len’s, which I will mix with one of Pete’s (from The Dwarfs) to perform for theatre bash Sept 24. Bruce and his band (Bad Heart) will play as usual. They rehearse nonstop and I have to pretend I am not listening to them or I am “trying to interfere”. They’re just jealous. I can feel so much work beginning. So many ideas & plannings. Re-start my gothic. Wrote a long letter to M & D in China laying out my plans. I feel the closer I get to my ambitions the more Mom dislikes me. No wonder in literature the heroine’s mother is always dead. She has to be if said heroine is going to get out of the house. Reading D. Eden’s The Pretty Ones. Ick, ick, ick. She has a husband and wife sleeping together in pajamas four days after marriage. I suppose it does happen. Turns out the murderer isn’t one of the “nice people”. Reminds me of a line from that great film Sleeping Car to Trieste: “I shall bear your theory in mind.” “What theory, Inspector?” “That murderers are never found among one’s friends.” Band rehearsing their opening number: Hello Stranger. (I call it Hello Strangler.) Much time wasted arguing about who’s “off”. Each accuses the other. But they’re all “off”, what with Judd’s constant lateness, Dillon’s perpetual persnickitiness, Buster’s out and out slobbishness and Bruce’s refusal ever to accept blame for anything. I love Bruce, so I excuse him. I gaze at him rapturously, thinking he has The Sixty Year Face – the face that can only get better looking. And it is so beautiful already, huge smoldering dark eyes, huge curly lips, strong Roman nose. He has broken my mold for good. Wed. Sept 8 - 1971 I am being sick right now, which lends a feeling of Ultimate Futility. Bruce very bad with sick people. Need to talk to Chloe about what she is teaching in Writing but I am paralyzed. Miss having Tamsin (teacher) to advise me. But she is in Ireland visiting family. Feeling depressed over the band’s absolute confusion of drugs with sex. To them, it’s all the same thing, and I can’t help but worry that Bruce will alter to their society. Reading Henry James’ What Maisie Knew. Really, Henry, there’s just so much punishment we can take! I am relying n his preface that she will somehow triumph over all this vulgarity in the end. But I still prefer Edith Wharton. Sat. 18 Sept - 71 Finished E. Bowen’s Death of the Heart. Definitely moved me in some places. Better than Ivy Gripped the Steps. But her descriptive writing is too consciously pretty and I can’t help thinking “heartbreak” is all in how we define it and this heroine is a limp sister and gave up way too soon. Bowen’s work always finishes before it’s over. A problem. Have to think how to explain this to my writing class. Bruce and I get into an argument about education vs. “enlightenment”. I think this is a strange rationale for an atheist. He says some things are just “intrinsically right” about art and people should be forced to kowtow whereas he would never say this about government, morals, etc. I should never listen to Chicago (cheap and derivative) only to Ry Cooder (whom I loathe.) I say one can be educated to appreciate anything but this is where he drags “enlightenment” in. Annoying. Bruce’s manager Coco (he’s a he) and I are starting a Chain the Children foundation to protest fines I have to pay for dogs never being on-leash. Our theory is, children need leashing worse.
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Alysse Aallyn
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