Sat 15 July 67
I should be so lucky. Robin grabbed my arm on the theatre steps and told me he’s going crazy. I said I have bad dreams too. He asked me to “fake it” for a week! I was blind with rage. I asked him to never touch me again. He asked if I’m going to write him off as “another mistake”. I shouldn’t have told him about my boyfriends – they aren’t “mistakes” even if we don’t end up together. (Beales was a little bit of a mistake.) I don’t accept what Miss Cluny says, that its what OTHER people think of you that makes you what you are! How could you become yourself? Robin quiet during rehearsal – I just got the “reproachful stare”. It bothers me WORST OF ALL that he thinks GUILT is the way to get to me. Whatever I’m doing, I SHOULD be doing something else! This is the end. I don’t want to waste valuable notebook paper on Robin. Shawn’s the kind of man I would THINK I’d want but Reed’s the type I REALLY do. Artistic. Uh oh. Pawed my way through Those Who Love. Much too slick and glib. But at least he’s reassuring me I’ve made the right decision! Finished O’Faolain – he’s not Mansfield but he does have something. Struggling with Mary Renault but I’m tired of homosexuality. Sun 16 July 67 Just a year ago I was leaving MN, assessing my theatre summer and its value! Tis was a better theatre experience but I’m not sure I can remain in the theatre if I dislike routine so much. Robin says I’m spoiled and lazy but I like surprises. Constant astonishment would be perfect. Robin says that is film acting but I photograph so horribly I could only play witches. I have a jaw like a boxing glove. I do feel more sure of myself and more determined in my philosophy. I’d consider dancing if every dancer alive weren’t better than me – I am not a “natural dancer” at ALL. But it’s fun! I learned to respect Catholicism but see it’s danger: putting men in charge. They have crazy ideas! Robin for example, thinks I’m a “whore” because I WON’T have sex! I think my moral philosophy is pure and untainted but he says if I like passion without penises I must be a lesbian! (I better not tell him about Fleur. I’ve had my chance! ) Love is NOWHERE in this equation. He grabbed me backstage as I was going on for Act III and said I broke his heart. I told him to write a radio serial – I don’t think his heart ever came out to play. He was very insulted but Jodi and I have discussed this. She agrees his deepest feelings are not involved – this is a volcano of selfishness and anger and I should stay away. She says he wants to talk badly about me to everyone but they will see it for what it is. Jodi moved in a few days ago – I am liking having a roommate better than I thought I would. Looking forward to seeing Mom & Dad and cruising a new area. Play with my thirteen-year-old sister and catch up on my sleep. Mon 17 July 67 Rehearsal bad this evening. I am gobbling aspirin. Whenever I see Robin talking to someone I know its about me. The orchestra is so pathetic there isn’t a beat to dance to! We get our counts mixed up. Left my black ballet slippers at the dorm and Mr. Johnson wouldn’t let me wear my pink ones – had to wear a pair that didn’t fit. The second act is definitely the worst – they put the summerhouse where I am supposed to be standing! I am literally dancing against a wall. I nearly killed Carrie in the cartwheel and then my bodice started to unlace. The only fun I have is in the cancan. And in the final act I have to waltz with Robin! That means I am wearing my ugliest costume for the meaningless finale. Miss Whalen delivered an ill-timed lecture. All those considering suicide will go ahead now and do it and the orchestra will be even smaller. Tea and sticky buns with Sister Mary Rosycheeks back at the dorm provide some relief. In a week I’ll be on the boat!
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Alysse Aallyn
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