7:15 PM – Wed 9 Apr 80
No sun today – sweater & jeans. T & I spent 2 hours at hospital trying to figure out pain in my gut. Right ovary “tender”. Must be psychosomatic – that I can get only 11 p n Blood. Curing myself with Jane Austen’s Persuasion. Sun 13 Apr 80 Wretched novel! What he hell’s it about? Answer came there none. T & I saw Coalminer’s Daughterthen went to the symphony for Svoboda’s Seasons. Movie not as good as the music. Life, as VW used to say, is not like that. T. doing his taxes. $9,900 he can’t find. He says I’ll have to get a job over the summer! Finished After Leaving Mr McKenzie” Superb! (Rhys.) Fatuous intro by Ford Madox Ford. 11:30 Am 14 Ap 80 MON Sitting to my typewriter trying to persuade myself that good things can be written by people paralyzed with boredom. T thinks not eating and not sleeping and banging your head against walls is the best way to accomplish something. Suddenly got a good poem last night. Surprised myself. Advice I’d give my son A swan’s wing shows the universe. No surprise to me From this small window I can see Plenty more than understand. Still I cast my nets And still I’m sinking; restless; forced to move This unfriendly virus IS my blood I see it in my son thirty years and Not much done. It never quite meets Attempt and reach. I see it in his eyes Introduce him to the dead And yet protect him from the hive. Wrap Him tightly in a web of Earthly light; Pray for mystery Glory; thought & sight. Sickened by poor S Plath’s competitiveness in Johnny Panic & Bible of Dreams so reading KM’s stories. Very interesting. The moment she died V Woolf started writing like her. T. bought his cap & gown. 11 AM Tues 15 Apr 80 T says we have to stay tell we sell this house. I said, YOU have to. He’s so worried I’ll go back to dancing. I think my body’s probably marshmallow by now. Feeling totally beaten down. I tried to tell him last night about SP beating herself up because she couldn’t write Lady’s Home Journal serials – he thought I was trying to say I’m Sylvia Plath and I got ½ hr on the dignified hard work of writing for mags. Missed my point!!! SP couldn’t do it but WOULD HAVE LOVED TO. Got a good first draft of Bride & Wolves. Feeling a little better. Chest doesn’t ache. My AMBITION - my ULTIMATE AMBITION – would be to write a novel in ONE DRAFT. Did my taxes. Refreshed myself with Bloomsbury Portraits. T thinks I’m trying to LEARN to be suicidal, broke out of fashion and unsuccessful. But I like what I like. Very depressing April weather. Eliot was right. T finds perfect off the shoulder Mary McFadden wedding dress for me in keeping with our Greek theme. He orders it for immediate delivery.
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Alysse Aallyn
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