11:30 AM Wed May 14 - 80
I’m exhausted. It’s been horrible. T. lashes himself forward with scorn & difficulties. His house full of oddments no sane person would want. Condoms behind EVERYTHING! I really lost my temper at him. He blames his various roommates then yells at me for not being sufficiently reverential about his ties. We fell back on glasses of iced tea, talking about the last 7 months. T says I now take his criticism better! I said my only criticism of him is that he’s too critical! His comments are “criticism”, mine are “bitching.” When I got a letter from Genevieve I read to him how she is now running 3 miles a day and he said “Better get going Alysse or she’ll eclipse you like she did in high school!” I was speechless! Then I said imagine if I said that about YOUR brother – either of them. He admitted he wouldn’t like it. As for mentioning half the stuff he wants to pack is broken – forget it. He’s going to fix it all someday. His latest worry is he’ll never get a job and we’ll be camped out cooking with Sterno! Sterno is expensive! 5:35 PM Fri May 16-80 Almost there! Unfortunately T is vague about time promises making planning difficult. Probably the most annoying thing about him since I like to plan every minute of every day to be sure of “psychic refreshment” time. He doesn’t think he deserves psychic refreshment till he’s dead. Is a problem. Clean till 8, then pizza, & Howard’s party at 8:30. Next time I write – we’ll be in NJ!!! 2:10 AM – Grovers Mill Sat 24 May 1980 Here we are! Just finished painting the newly plastered wall, putting up a bookcase and most of my books in it. Bad moment when T. thought I was going to paint the wall yellow (I wasn’t.) The kitchen is done but this bedroom still looks lie hell. Wrote a 9 p letter to Devon when I was at my bluest. Probably shouldn’t send it! Sometimes life is too mysterious and T is too much of a stranger. Of course imagine making this move with Devon! (Or Bruce!) Or Ryder. UNIMAGINABLE!!!! Things are worse because we’re fasting till Mon AM. I use food to pep myself up but this summer I’m determined to get my greed under control. Hard accomplishing anything with T standing over me questioning every move I make. Looking for a place to hang the Earl & Countess of Huntington bas reliefs Mom gave me T said “I won’t lie to you – I don’t like them.” I said, “I’ll put them in my study” but then I boiled. I don’t like ANY of his stuff - its all hideous – but what if I said so? I took it for granted that if HE likes & wants it, end of story. Evidently I need to recast my thinking! But that’s impossible – if I rejected everything I didn’t like we’d only have my stuff! Memorial Day Our compromise is – he works in the barn, I work in the house. The barn is full of treasures that need to be appraised and catalogued and probably sold but he is incensed when I say so! Everything must be saved till it chokes us to death. He is a very angry man and his anger makes me angry. Most unpleasant. He said Alysse, even when you’re angry you’re the person I love most I the world. I feel like I have T’s peace of mind in my care but he doesn’t have mine because he doesn’t know HOW to. Wasted time trying to get him to see praise & encouragement aren’t the same thing. He says, “At least when I praise you you’ll know I mean it.” He thinks I love him because my “standards are low.” 4:30 AM Sat 31 May 80 Can’t sleep. Reading Helen Van Slyke’s hymn to the middle class but all her books are hymns to the middle class. People who think life is an Ionesco play crossed with Munch’s The Scream won’t like Helen Van Slyke. Liddy likes my rewrite “a lot” and is submitting it to Crown. I was sure she’d be able to tell I was getting numb but apparently not. Sent my gothic The Bride & the Wolvesto Tower. Now I have to take a serious look at St Secaire. Had a little cry (private fortunately) over T praising my clothes, body & housework but not projects or ideas. Need to start a serious program of prayer & meditation. Ackerman liked T but his CLERKS didn’t want him and Ackerman leaves it up to them! Too bad. Now he’s behind on his bar study schedule because of the move. Maybe self study NOT the best pattern for a procrastinator? I think men aren’t bred to give encouragement. 7:15 PM Wed 4 June 80 “O Rose Thou Art Sick…” The problem is T’s anger. He we are walking the dogs he says “Keep to the road, dammit!” There is no point cursing at a dog! He says it makes HIM feel better. I say anger is corrupting – it just makes EVERYBODY angrier! How break an addiction that poisons our relationship? How is it women are called “strident” when men pullulate with such rage? Forms arrived so I innocently shared my poems and he got jealous of RYDER!!! It never even occurred to me! (Love the magician) Obviously I should have kept these “secret” but how icky is that! Especially when the guy is lecturing me on “honesty” night and day. I’m going to have to start pleading the Fifth. Set up a prayer desk in my study- books, candles, etc. I’m going to practice. I feel stupid asking for things – just try to get in touch with the Divine. I feel like God could “save” T! Flood him with light, etc. Yesterday required interview with Eng Dept a Brooklyn College for teaching. They astonished me by saying “You’re hired”! Thurs 5 June 80 Yesterday so bad I threatened to give up and drive to Washington! I was almost in despair. He said I am preventing him from studying with my “demands” which means breathing, sleeping & eating apparently. He apologized finally and said he’s just so upset about the bar exam! So I try to relax him physically. Give up on dieting – alcohol & food accomplish what rationalizing & arguing won’t.
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28 Aug 80
Trying to assemble poetry MSS depressing the hell out of me. Who am I kidding? Ordered $63 worth of shorts. Baked honey bran bread and felt better. Need to take up bike riding when we get to Grovers’ Mill. Police cars assemble outside. Mr. Booger hopelessly drunk again. Wed 30 Apr 80 T and I had our WORST FIGHT EVER last night – any fight I don’t dissipate rapidly becomes OUR WORST FIGHT EVER. I was so angry that it would be my JOB to smooth things over. What if I don’t? Will he just explode and spatter the walls like John Cassavetes in The Fury? I get sick of being “blamed” for everything. I refused to let him off the hook. “Where did you put the car key?” What if I didn’t touch the car key? How about “The car key is lost. Do you know where the car key is?” I’m starting to see why Seth is crazy. This kind of milieu would drive anyone crazy. No of them has any idea how to apologize. There is frenzied hysteria about “status” and “loss of face” that would fit right in in thirteenth century China. I pointed out if he wants us to have a pleasant dinner with Judge Liebowitz he is going about it wrong. Why show up a party at each other’s throats? He suddenly confessed his parents ALWAYS started fights before a party and his mother ALWAYS began parties angry at her guests! He had never seen it before but he certainly agreed it’s mighty stupid. He smiled, shook his shoulders and said, “I know you’re going to be your effervescent self” and I said, “You better fucking hope so. Let’s hope I don’t vent my spleen on you the way you do on me.” The Liebowitzes came and I was very nice. The Judge and I got into a spirited conversation about Erle Stanley Gardner and the Judge said, “Of course he never practiced law.” I could see the alarm in T’s eyes that I would contradict him but I sweetly let it pass. Dangerous corner averted should be worth quite a few orgasms (Gardner did a lot of work for the Chinese community whom he saw as victimized.) Judge very impressed that I had read Clausewitz’ Art of War (his favorite book. It would be. I told T later “You don’t want to clerk for this guy.” He is T’s “biggest connection.) I try to discuss it after with T. he says I am “harping.” Anyone waiting for him to apologize about anything is going to wait a long time. 1 May 80 T. still angry. Slamming doors and accusing me of “nagging.” I thought, boy will my children be lucky having me for a mother if this is the way some people are raised! Will he ever get over it? Time will tell – four months till the wedding. I remember when I stopped trying to fix my relationship with Bruce it immediately became broken forever. What I don’t understand is WANTING to be miserable. Seems like a phase T has to go through. 7:05 PM – T came home whistling, walked upstairs, said, Forgive me. I hugged him and hugged him and tore his clothes off!!! Novel up to 240 p. Writing to the point of dementia. 6 pm Fri 2 May 80 Getting exciting! Two weeks! In this weather the city really presses in. Have started taking my walks in the eve. On draft 3 of that idiot blood novel. Too, too depressing. I need to cheer it up somehow but how? Literally do not know how to be literarily cheerful. A bad sign. Should I write a love story? But love is fraught with problems! Think I need to put it away, take another look this summer. Figure out how to saturate it with Colette luminosity. Send mystery to Liddy for ideas. Last night I had to call the police about Booger kids throwing bottles at the house next door. God the last 6 mos has been difficult. I wanted to live here but I couldn’t. It’s more than the rights of wife vs live-in lover. T. can’t handle any mention that this house is less than ideal. But at least it’s been a good investment. I think he will be as glad as I am to leave. Sun 4 May 80 3:30 PM Now I am REALLY depressed. Tried to read An American Romancewanting to see what The New Yorker considers a good love story. Ghastly. Bad style. Literally unreadable. The sex scenes were at least interesting (he calls cunnilingus a “duty dance” with the hostess. Sounds like fun, right?) Starting to think alienation comes from Puritanism. Refusing to allow oneself to feel. Think I need to stop “Fitzgeralding” my novel (he always restricted his own choices out of second-guess self-hatred & panic.) The way people see themselves can save them or destroy them. God I love T! He had excellent interview with Judge Ackerman who might take him for a clerk! $20,000 year. Reading Carole Klein’s Aline– T Wolfe would have published nothing without her. Feeling actually encouraged by HIS depression. Wed 7 May 80 Definitely a fish out of water at T’s compatriots’ “goodbye parties.” Guess I have the rep of dragging him away. Rushed out to buy typewriter ribbon and who should I run into at the office supply store but T and 3 of his workmates who invited me to lunch. I find T’s work persona a bit of a strain. Felt I’d been dragged into the smoking room of a men’s club. He described my novel to them as “about incest.” H ho ho! Hysterical! And T wonders at my “rivers of blood.” I guess we haven’t grown together enough yet. Just hope we can fit into our new skin. I’m absolutely sick to death of this novel and very doubtful that this is the way to write but EVERYBODY says it is! Vomit it out and lap it back up! Ugh. All these rejections really play havoc with your sense of accomplishment. Looking at Plath’s suicide in a new light. Taking my vitamins religiously. Doctor says I don’t have mono. I must be in mourning. Feel like my parents deliberately raised me to have no survival skills. 6:45 PM– Just finished the book. Did feel some pleasure at the end. 302 p. Mon 12 May 80– Clouded over day Just finished My Cousin Rachel– a man kills a woman out of overwhelming jealousy. Similar plot to Rebecca – poor old Daphne in some kind of deep distress. Kind of reminded me of Jane Eyre: “wish fulfillment.” Of course the gang likes that. What is the literary tradition of WOMEN tortured by jealousy? Hags & harridans. Prostitution is an interesting theme. Imagine having a “cash value for everything. We’re going to have a real storm today. Fortunately Lois made graduation easy (not competitive with me as per usual) although when Sutton (T’s father) was here a certain iciness warns us not to have TOO good a time. On Sun we made love all afternoon till she finally called us down. Today I got an acceptance as a writing fellow at Brooklyn College! Doesn’t sound like much money but status, mentoring, help. Maybe. T. has faith in society: I haven’t. Plumly exemplifies our experiences: he was praised and cossetted (teachers turned a blind eye finding him off bounds) my skirts were measured while I was forced to knee. What kinds of boys would we raise if we measured their codpieces, one asks? One needs courage to believe in one’s own experiences. Still, it means I can’t go to Princeton Theological Seminary. Easier to spend than earn that’s for sure. What a joy is the intellect! I am a late starter but I have been distracted. Have to spend all tomorrow packing. Goodbye dinner at T’s editor’s house: his wife has a sign on the wall: “Happiness is where you find it Not where you seek it.” Fri. 18 Apr 80
Living in the 20’s reading Holroyd’s Augustus John. Very pleasant. T’s house sold! $22,500! (He bought it for $9,000.) We can’t spend it, he says sorrowfully, eyes raised heavenwards. But he laughed when I laughed at him! Out to dinner tonight with the Wests at Les Palmiers (Larry always calls it “Les Palmer’s”). Thinking out a good ghost story. Uncharitable thoughts about Ts buddy Larry – who I can clearly see is jealous of me. Loves T more than he loves his wife! 20 Apr 80 Novel going horribly. Can’t conquer my absolute distaste for what I’ve set myself to do. Obviously gone wrong somewhere. But where? Wishing to give my life the proportion of myth? Should just make things up like everybody else. Fortunately the mystery is still fun. A little too crazy perhaps Will Lois recognize herself as Immortelle? Re-reading Mes Apprentissages in a very bad translation reminiscent of Constance Garnett’s weirdly Bertie Wooster take on Dostoevsky. Americans don’t really like Colette – Gide of all people called her “contaminated.” Maybe that’s why they don’t like me. Letter from Merrill lectures me about pills – says Mom’s varicose veins shows we are susceptible to clotting. Says she’s sending me her old maternity clothes. 5PM Tues 22 Ap 80 In one hour have to dress for Goodbye Kentucky Post party at downtown Cincinnati German restaurant. Spent 1 ½ hrs smoking in the sun in baby oil, then bathed. Wrote 8 p. Good? Not really. Sending it to Liddy with my commentary. Maybe she has good ideas. Hideous Ann Beattie work in NY Rev of Books very discouraging. I am out of step with THOSE times. Reading Colette’s Vagabond. The Crosland bio does not do her justice. She is encouragingly honest about her slow maturation, the humiliations of the music halls etc. She had a lot of recognition, though, from the very beginning. Still, one would not wish to BE Colette (contrary to what I’m sure my mother thinks.) Trying to imagine what it would be like if T supported what I’m trying to do instead of acting like I’m attempting to “score” off him. I am not writing for him thank God. Publication vital. But recognition? It is the life that matters. 23 Ap 80 Reading Heartsounds which I want to give to Daddy I realize how barren life is without mysticism. If you put “self” first it turns out there is no “self” there. Brain damage from anesthesia the most horrifying detail – maybe Daddy can’t take it. His god is Science. Lovely evening at the restaurant. Afterwards T “critiqued” me. I talked a bit too much! When people ask questions, you don’t have to answer! Feels I “interrupted” him. I am aghast. I think he wants us to speak as a “unit” which is him. But we are not there yet I point out. We don’t agree about everything. But he thinks we should disguise that! Mysterious bleedings. Just want to continue the pills FOR A FEW MONTHS. Then no nasty pills ever again! Maybe IUD between kids. Toss moans and groans about the summer like he will NEVER EVER GET A JOB EVER AGAIN. Weird. He seems so intelligent and desirable to me (and everybody else.) Put down Heartsounds for Celibate Passion which I am thoroughly enjoying. Novel going splendidly – E Bowen’s Heat of the Day confirming all my choices (though the Louie subplot was a mistake.) Today my wedding dress came. Fit perfect. T. dizzy with desire. Oh this summer will be so exquisite! Only 3 more weeks! 11:40 PM 27 Apr 80 Blew up last night at T. We went to the movies with Larry and Suzy (saw Norma Rae) and I got another “critique.” Told him he can no longer criticize me on the basis of my behavior but only on his feelings. In the middle of our pitched battle brother Seth called from Colorado to read a 5 p letter he sent special delivery denouncing their mother. He is jealous of her “better” treatment of me, she is nice to me, never nice to his fiancé Sue. (She’s not that nice to me but I don’t point it out. I don’t think she knows how to be nice to people. It’s almost funny. But she is offering us the house no one else can live in.) I ask T why Seth has to attack his Mom six weeks before his wedding? What good can THAT do? It’s crazy! I think he’s hoping to be publicly disowned. It all ended with T & me sobbing and kissing in each other’s arms. Suddenly get the idea for a second ghost story. Sitting peaceably over blonde chartreuse while T reads bulb catalogues and I skim Anais Nin diaries (NG.) 7:15 PM – Wed 9 Apr 80
No sun today – sweater & jeans. T & I spent 2 hours at hospital trying to figure out pain in my gut. Right ovary “tender”. Must be psychosomatic – that I can get only 11 p n Blood. Curing myself with Jane Austen’s Persuasion. Sun 13 Apr 80 Wretched novel! What he hell’s it about? Answer came there none. T & I saw Coalminer’s Daughterthen went to the symphony for Svoboda’s Seasons. Movie not as good as the music. Life, as VW used to say, is not like that. T. doing his taxes. $9,900 he can’t find. He says I’ll have to get a job over the summer! Finished After Leaving Mr McKenzie” Superb! (Rhys.) Fatuous intro by Ford Madox Ford. 11:30 Am 14 Ap 80 MON Sitting to my typewriter trying to persuade myself that good things can be written by people paralyzed with boredom. T thinks not eating and not sleeping and banging your head against walls is the best way to accomplish something. Suddenly got a good poem last night. Surprised myself. Advice I’d give my son A swan’s wing shows the universe. No surprise to me From this small window I can see Plenty more than understand. Still I cast my nets And still I’m sinking; restless; forced to move This unfriendly virus IS my blood I see it in my son thirty years and Not much done. It never quite meets Attempt and reach. I see it in his eyes Introduce him to the dead And yet protect him from the hive. Wrap Him tightly in a web of Earthly light; Pray for mystery Glory; thought & sight. Sickened by poor S Plath’s competitiveness in Johnny Panic & Bible of Dreams so reading KM’s stories. Very interesting. The moment she died V Woolf started writing like her. T. bought his cap & gown. 11 AM Tues 15 Apr 80 T says we have to stay tell we sell this house. I said, YOU have to. He’s so worried I’ll go back to dancing. I think my body’s probably marshmallow by now. Feeling totally beaten down. I tried to tell him last night about SP beating herself up because she couldn’t write Lady’s Home Journal serials – he thought I was trying to say I’m Sylvia Plath and I got ½ hr on the dignified hard work of writing for mags. Missed my point!!! SP couldn’t do it but WOULD HAVE LOVED TO. Got a good first draft of Bride & Wolves. Feeling a little better. Chest doesn’t ache. My AMBITION - my ULTIMATE AMBITION – would be to write a novel in ONE DRAFT. Did my taxes. Refreshed myself with Bloomsbury Portraits. T thinks I’m trying to LEARN to be suicidal, broke out of fashion and unsuccessful. But I like what I like. Very depressing April weather. Eliot was right. T finds perfect off the shoulder Mary McFadden wedding dress for me in keeping with our Greek theme. He orders it for immediate delivery. Princeton Jct Station – Wed 12 Feb 80
Trying hard not to be depressed. Must jockey myself into a blithe, competent mood for seeing my agent but these phone calls with T are awful. He accused me of “punishing” him for being “honest” about my book. I said isn’t he punishing me for being honest about Newport? That’s different! He says he might not “take me back” if I’m going to be a “martyr”. I think he’s afraid of what I’ll say to people and when he catches himself being the bad guy he just gets worse. I cried for an hour. I asked to not speak n the phone any more. Let’s write. He & his family hang on the phones arguing for HOURS. I really can’t afford the bill. Grovers Mill NJ; Thurs.13 Mar 80 Wow! Healed! Wonderful meeting with Liddy. She took care of my feelings, understood the best things about the book – I had been afraid I would have a breakdown right in front of her but it didn’t come to pass. She was interested in T’s coal story too and thinks she can sell it if he writes a proposal. She said we need more plot and gave some intelligent suggestions. Joy! I called T right away and we had an hour’s wonderful conversation he didn’t misinterpret in the least. He said he can leave Tues night! God I love that man. Snow was promised and that’s what it’s doing. T’s mother Lois not coming in this weather. So I can put off vacuuming till tomorrow – otherwise house is ”done”. Queens’ Chapel Rd -15 Mar 80 – Sat If I survived to this point I can survive ANYTHING. Snow melting fast in brilliant sunshine. Will finish the rewrite today and see what Liddy thinks. Thank God for my writing fluency (T thinks its “too easy.”) ANY money would be good – it’s this period of NOTHING that’s so hard. Many plans to convert the smallest room to my study. T called feeling romantic from a restaurant where we’d had a wonderful dinner. But he was with Larry West so he couldn’t talk. (He said all he talked about at dinner was me. Also I have letter from Devon!) Avril arrives home about midnight. (Late shift) 11 PM – 16 Mar 80 What a day! Avril home in an hour and we can have a drink and talk. I was surprised this AM to wake in enough time for Unit service but I enjoyed it thoroughly. Their ”information” desk has a lot of counseling info .Good place to find therapist. Happy drive to MD – no “hallucinations” as I had driving to NJ from KY (those damned tunnels.) Driving Riggs Rd I had the craziest desire to look up Ryder! I remembered he was on Fox St – nobody knew where that was so I had to waste $5 on a map at the 7-11. Of course it was 2 blocks away! Right outside the apt bld there was his car! (Ghee in back seat) . I looked up his number on the mailboxes and knocked on his door! My heart was fluttering like mad but I knew I looked good. And there he was! He’s DYED his hair brown (too many comments on his girlish beauty?) and he was festooned with crosses like he’s scared of vampires. He’s married and his wife (a nurse) was coming in later. Ho ho ho. W had a great talk. I told him the wedding is Sept because I didn’t think he would take it seriously if he knew we haven’t set a date. Wifey looked at me and said “THE Alysse?” Har hard. She is sweet, intelligent and ROUND. So much for his ruthless attacks on my physical imperfections! T. angry that I spent $104 on a tuneup. I was “robbed.” Newport KY - 24 Mar 80 Slicing tomatoes for our dinner. I can get through the next 6 weeks – after all 6 wks ago was Valentine’s Day. Read Portrait of a Marriage for the 3rdtime. The best books are different every time you read them. Reporting on one’s life even more difficult than living it. In 10 mins I can call my angel. Was I lucky to find him! Horrible period – a solid week so far. Staying on the pill till our wedding. Trying to get to the point where I can face the novel again. Oh, to be Edith Wharton and just cast the handwritten pages to the floor for “someone else” to pick up and type! Thu 27 Mar 80 First morning in the garden clutching Letters of Joseph Conrad. I’d like to outline a mystery story – think it would be fun. It would be a gothic: The Bride & the Wolves. T and I “off” temp – I try to bleed the stress out of my life – he deliberately ramps up his. He doesn’t think he’d accomplish anything if he wasn’t suffering and shrieking under pressure. I keep explaining I cant live like that! I think we can relax and be happy and enjoy the moment – don’t have to live for the future. He thinks I’m lazy. He literally screams about money. I’m used to this – my parents were secretive and angry about money – figuring if we ever found out how rich they are we would somehow manage to “spend” it all (which NONE of us did.) T. says he’s spent $24,000 since last June – implication – on ME. It does seem like a lot. I didn’t make that much dancing and I know I’m living more cheaply than I did then. Later on he admitted he’d made a math mistake - $7,000 went to pay margin debt. (Not mine.) Now he’s proposing to buy an expensive raincoat I don’t want. I LIKE thrift shop clothes. I can’t create good work in an atmosphere of hysteria and panic. Marcia Davenport’s Too Strong for Fantasyright on point. 31 mar – MON -80 Thinking in the bathtub about elitism. Dancing separated me from my parents’ world. It didn’t bother me but it bothers EVERYONE else. Avril researching her past with therapist says all her childhood memories are negative! Parents wanted “unthinking docility.” And these were GOOD parents. Mon 11:30 AM – 18 Feb 80
Wonderful weekend in Horse Cave with our soon-to-be minister, T’s friend. Came home to discover T’s grandmother Louise (whose house we will be living in) had a stroke in her nursing home. They are looking for blood in spinal tap but it seems her speech is returning. (She is 88 and very frail.) Hope this doesn’t cast a pall over our cork-popping evening with friends. A cup of leek & spinach soup then walk to library. 20 Feb 80 Feeling crazy – in potentially the worst distress of my life. T says he can’t leave before Ap 15 – Granma changing the date of her party – I get the creepy notion T doesn’t care how I feel as long as I get my work done and shut up about it. Last night – after 2 nights of dinner parties – he invited people over – I said I’d be upstairs. Couldn’t see anyone. He suggested I was “manic depressive” which I consider insulting. He said he can’t work worrying if I’m “committing suicide.” That I’m “undermining” him by leaving him alone. He said he will do all the cooking and I could “do all the drinking”. I said No thanks. After they left our worst fight so far. He asked me threateningly if I REALLY want to know what he thought of my novel. I said yes. He said my novel is terrible – for emphasis he shook a floor lamp at me and when he set it down hard, it broke! Said the Erin part doesn’t work and I should read National Lampoon’s clever “takeoff” on a schoolgirls’ diary where she discovers she has a penis – they captured “girlish chatter” perfectly in a way I could learn from. I’ve got to get out of here before I become a basket case. As long as he insists my misery and fears are imaginary we are far, far apart. I shouldn’t have come here – should have stayed working in DC saving money till the wedding (and his MOVE.) 8PM Thu 21 Feb Last night we had it out – every last bit and he SAW. I worked hard all day rewriting the passages he objected to – it is too bumpy out of “nowhere.” I tried to get him to understand how INSULTING he is being – that he wouldn’t accept this behavior from me. First he denied he’d said the things he’d said, then he denied being hostile and angry – he was shaking a chair over my head at the time. He admitted it does make him want to smash something. I asked him if its true I’m this crazy awful person that he says I am why does he love me? NO NO he insisted – you’re wonderful! How? So he finally got tender and said, “You need a loveletter, don’t you?” And I said, more than a broken chair! He said what if things get worse this summer. I said they WON’T. You will have graduated and passed the bar! You’ll have the support of me and your family! We fell together, relieved. The Lovers Ionized we spin Stigmatized we swear Teeth bared we Kiss. Fri 22 Feb 80 6:45 PM Dinner ready for T – he’s late as usual so I have a moment to reflect. Up to p. 200 – one scene to go. Last night he asked about “the relentless floods of blood” in my work. I tackled the “suicide” comment. First he denied saying it – then eyes full of tears –admitted and apologized. He gets “so upset”. He reported an incident with a college psychiatrist – an intervention – he was accused of being the college heartbreaker and he was so surprised. I said I have the marks on my heart to prove it. He admits he’s jealous of my writing because I can “write anything I want.” Tough to defend against that! I do write anything I want! But people don’t have to like it. Parents offered to buy my card for a grand and give to Genevieve. But they would keep it in Mom’s name because insurance in Maine is cheaper! I can’t criticize a gift horse’s choppers. Found Monica Dickens’ Autobiog at library today – could hardly believe my luck. Reminds me of A. Christie’s – seems bit muted. No doubt best story is left out. 12:50 PM Sun – 24 Feb 80 Toss sighing and groaning over my book like a martyr. Sounds like he hates it. I finished it yesterday in 4 glorious hours. T angry because I won’t answer the phone when I’m working. We’re suffering from “Doll’s House Syndrome” – anything he wants to do is for US – anything I want to do is just selfishness. He’s 21 p from the end. He says I “sneer” at his suggestions but I’ve incorporated a lot of them. T. says it’s “corrupt”. Uh oh. He means the teacher scene. I reminded him of the Professor Emeritus at Plumly who wanted to talk eagerly with the boys about how to get erections, what they looked like and how long they could stay up. Not “corrupt”? T thought he was adorable. Better prepare myself for the tirade. He says I won’t get published if I “dismiss” his ideas and he might be right. He yells, I cry and we’re both wounded. Tues 12 Feb 80
Listening to Scarlatti. My tolerance for winter is definitely over. Feeling at the nadir of my stored-up strength – a bear forced to hibernate overtime. Greatly affected by inserting Erin into Summer. I think it works. It belongs there because of my parents self-protective insistence that I invented a false history of pain to get attention. Waiting for T to get there – he’s reading slowly. Another bad fight. When I made the comment that the Grovers’ Mill house could be made so nice he looked around his hell hole and snorted incredulously. How could that possibly be when I’m such a bad housekeeper? I reminded him how wonderful MY house in DC was (and is.) He made fun of my voice – high, thin, querulous and self absorbed. I asked him if I REALLY sounded like that – abashed, he admitted I didn’t. “Women”. Women are manipulative, demanding and illogical. Hard to blame him for thinking so if you’ve met his mother (and his girlfriends.) But he’s not willing to listen to criticism of his mother yet. She’s “losing” him to me. She’ll have to meet his father at graduation. (They were divorced six years ago and separated eight before that.) He’s in a misogynistic panic – I feel like I have all the duties of an old fashioned wife and he has only s many husbandly duties as he cares to assume. He thinks he’s just “hitting back” against my “slights” AKA the unfortunate honesty he claims to value. Oh well. I haven’t figured out how to explain my viewpoint without unleashing his hostility. I look forward to the day when we can talk honestly about this. But we will need some emotional security for that to happen and emotional security means financial security. Let’s just hope one of my book projects pays off. Meditation, exercise, bath, dinner with friends. 11:30 AM – Wed 13 Feb 80 T. brought me breakfast in bed. I have to make sure to brings his tomorrow with his card To My Husband. It’s Valentines Day. I have a hangover but last night was worth it – found out some interesting things about T. He was a half hour late, very angry because he’d scratched his car against a stone wall and not pleased when I said I didn’t think expensive bodywork was necessary on a 70,000 mile car. After the guests left he went for me the same way he did when I set up a dinner last year with one of my father’ s law associates and he felt embarrassed by having to “beg” for a job. (No one told him he had to “beg” for a job.) That I talk too much and no one else can talk because I’m cooped up all day and that makes me a liability at dinner parties. He said “I think it’s better to tell you now than say “Shut Up” in public.” I said you bet it’s better! If you say “Shut up” to me in public there won’t be a marriage! He says there you go again with the ultimatums. I asked him how he’d feel if I said “Shut up” to HIM in public! He hadn’t even considered such an awful thing. I said I didn’t think my perceptions were so totally askew – I hadn’t “dominated” the discussion or squelched other people’s ideas trying to get them to agree with me the WAY HE DOES. He apologized later and said he fears me being lionized at parties. How will he handle it? I said it doesn’t look like he has much to worry about yet. I need to muster every philosophical, theological and psychological aid I can come up with to deal with my stunning LACK of success. I said to T I thought the real problem is we are too much alike! Essentially I’ve made the decision to “live through” the next two months – T feels it and it upsets him. 11:30 PM– End of a long difficult day. I managed my 10 p. but novel is too short and I can’t think of anything more to say. Novella no good! Maybe T will have ideas. He came home depressed at getting a D+ in Corporations – I made him a BLT and a Bloody Mary –he ate the sandwich but had to lave the drink as he still had a Law Review meeting! At 7 PM! When he finally came back we made up entirely for our fight and I was once again thinking, This is the man for me. He said he was upset because I’d commented on how handsome Peter Martins is! I’ve never even met the man! I said I was jealous of the Playboy magazine in the top left desk drawer. Thoroughly talked over my “failure” to settle in here. Said I was subject to “strong loves and few” and it was time for me to love somewhere else. Made him an enormous dinner of hash browns & eggs and after 2 bourbons apiece we felt pretty good. 6:10 PM Valentine’s Day – 80 Great day. Wrote 13 p so I’m up to 156. T working at the paper till midnight. T gave me box of delicious candy & card. Reading Collegiate Women– depressing tale of how the doyennes of domesticity subverted female ed. 10:20 PM Fri 15 Feb 80 Wrote a whole chapter – got to stop or madness will result. Reading magnificent Man Who Cried (Cookson.) Morally quite sophisticated. Cast Harvey Cox’ Seduction of the Spirit away in disgust. Should be called “Harvey’s Closet – here – you clean it.” T came home to spinach lasagna and letter from ex (the one he really loved and who didn’t believe in monogamy) that he described as “a howl of agony.” Said she will never get married or have children – spoke slightingly of her own work – and signed herself “love.” I feel for her. T was upset, angry and relieved all at the same time. The crap she put him through! T asked if I would consider living “west of Phila.” I said Sure if it has city access. Hard to beat his old grandparents’ place at Grover’s Mill right between two major cities! (His father was a children’s publisher in the 30’s.) Trustees won’t let Lois sell the house till Mother Louise dies (she is in retirement home.) In the meantime they are letting everything go to hell while hiking their fees – Lois is suing them – needs T to help. Can’t talk about my life to Avril – she is naïve. If people say they love each other there shouldn’t be a problem is her theory. If there is, its not love. 5:30 Mon 21 Jan 80
Fight with T when he suggested I see gynecologist over “my” fungus – like I came up with it all by myself! I’m not the one using Jock Itch spray for FOREVER. I went upstairs and typed – he came up yelling angrily that “the silent treatment” was “cheap and unfair.” I’m not allowed to think privately, apparently. T doesn’t seem to know how he insults people. For example says when we move to NJ how does he know I won’t “take a whim” to go somewhere else? Cried myself to sleep. I thought I’d be happy just living with Toss and writing but I’m not. Worried sick about money and his love for this disintegrating housewife. 24 Jan 80 Problems.T. burst out last night, “I don’t believe in joint checking accounts.” Uh oh, since I have no money. I have to ask him for everything and go over the receipts. I believe my definition of marriage is total partnership. He also acts like his taste is God ordained; i.e. “Pink doesn’t look good with black” instead of “I don’t like pink with black.” I made notes of things I wanted to argue about (here’s the list: “parent-child relationship Hostility Carpenters/plumbers”) Which he refers to as my “list of non-negotiable demands.” No. It’s an argument is all. His overstatements quite exhausting. Painfully reminiscent of his mother’s ongoing battle with her other son – the sight of a manila folder of his letters sets her off, he’s got “documents against her.” So are these points even worth making? I wonder. Last night T said lovingly, “I think we’re over our problem.” He told me he was afraid he’d be too upset to study. Finished Aimee Liu’s devastating Solitaire. (Bad ending though.) But you have to forgive her for throwing her parents a sop at the end. They’re still alive! Reading about parent/child battles has lots of relevance to my ongoing battles with Toss. Finish the poem collection tonight It’s Later Than You Think. I make list of things to discuss with T. on a copy of Tom Montag’s Letters Home: Our Relationship
Maybe I should discuss my theory of development of love relationships? Being in love s “humiliating”, parent/ child relationships, etc. 3:10 PM – Feb 6 – 80 Trying to write a new novel plan with a migraine. My writing must never be pedestrian. Calculate I’ll be done Feb 17 so I can leave. 1 week ago I flew to DC to comfort Avril’s depression. Her therapy raises the problem that she feels “worthless”. That’s Quakerism for you was my comment – they don’t WANT you to feel worth anything! We are particularly Worthless Worms because we were born with So Many Privileges and we STILL refuse to give our lives in service. We need to sell the house so she’ll feel free we decided. (And so I get some much needed cash.) Every night I was gone T called. Moving from here will be the best thing that could happen to our relationship. 9PM– Bad bad BAD day. Did my exercises – took bath – nothing helps. I seem t have a fever but am afraid to tell T (he called my PARENTS about the pain in my chest! “Were getting it checked out.” Doc says “Beats me.”) Tried reading AWFUL Margery Allingham. That woman is excruciating. Turn to Austen with relief. Thu Feb 7 – 80 :9;40 PM Good day so far. Wrote 5 letters, cleaned study, reorganized MSS Ophelia Was A Man.Joined the Authors League even though I usually hate things like that. Cut my own hair saving myself at least $50. 10 PM– the worst happened. T upset that I ate dinner without him, upset that I want to diet “You didn’t get fat eating dinners with ME” upset that I don’t want to take care of his house “You think you’re too good for housework” and especially upset about the Feb 28 meeting he insists he did not know anything about. When he feels threatened he goes for the jugular. Denied knowledge of the Mar 3-23 plan although he DID KNOW. I’m not sure he’s heard me even now – he keeps talking about being “separated for a month” and I proved its two weeks to the day. His anger makes me shiver and shake all over. Plus cramps. (Period alas.) He feels all this is a “slap” at his love and care! I thought we weren’t supposed to “lie” but he gets too upset to be truthful to! Thank God my day as a good one or I don’t know how I would bear up. His anger makes me want to scream myself but my throat was locked long ago. “Go on and let him have it!” eggs on Psychology Today but I think it would be more likely to end a relationship that would be a good one if we could just get back to civilization. Jane Austen a lot more help than Psychology Today. 3:40 PM Sun 10 Feb 80 How true it is – if you want to get something you first have to figure out what it is. As these frenzied Newport Days draw to a close I give thanks they are not to be extended. At least Toss has agreed to sell this house (helps that I’m selling mine.) Traveling relatives of T’s (a pair of married doctors) looked us up and I could tell they were shocked by the frat house nature of the place as T proudly showed off holes he’d pounded through the walls with a sledgehammer (“real brick!”) The work in this house is nonstop and T “chooses” to assist occasionally in the little “flurry of interest” which I would prefer to be MY approach. If I have to take care of a house I’d want to LIKE the place first! I resent doing decorator work to someone else’s taste for no money in the wreck of a rooming house whose nearest neighbor is named “Booger” (I kid you not). Before the arrival of the dogs his kids broke in and stole constantly. The dogs slow them down a little but now I worry about the dogs’ safety. An old girlfriend of T’s (married) invited us to the Covington House last night – had a marvelous time. She said we look like brother and sister! What a compliment! He looked particularly beautiful last night (even better than in is tux on Halloween) a Greek idol. Sigh. Reading Better than Rubiesa wonderful book about womens’ education. Train from NYC 1:40 PM 27 Dec 79 –
Alarms & Diversions – T & I have just had 2 very intense fights. Guess I didn’t realize the anger than was building up in me. His mother is just so RUDE – I cried in front of her last night for a solid hour feeling sheer helplessness! She is so awful! After she left we managed to come together much chastened. Yesterday we went to NYC to see costumes at the Met – got in a traffic jam outside Tiffany’s and could see we weren’t going to make it – got out of the cab and T bought me a ring! Eternity band of diamonds – very sweet. They say if a diamond ever falls out they replace it! Celebrated at Sherry Netherland with manhattans and duck pate in lingonberry sauce. Wrote four poems but too exhausted to know if they’re good. 12:30 AM – Wed 9 Jan 80 Battling with Byatt’s Virgin in the Garden. I may be unable to persist. Makes me long for Agatha Christie. She has a Proustian compass but overwrites dreadfully. T due in ½ hr – at library studying as usual. We had a lovely dinner before he left – spinach soufflé, salad and wine. Took dogs for very pleasant walk. T says he loves me so much more every day he can scarcely comprehend it. He was so upset when I said I might not take his name – it was only because he’d been flippant about a previous girlfriend. We are both so sore. Trying to stay open and honest as the emotions blast through. 1 am Thurs 10 Jan 80 Got a crazy card from Devon saying “I love you madly”! Guess we all want what we can’t have. Also good letter from Maureen. Blackberry accepts My grandmother’s ghost! T. teases that the $9 I made is “putting him through law school” (it cost $10 so far.) My Grandmother’s Ghost My grandmother never cried Emmie you’re a stoic Everyone admired her. That’s why She haunts us; pressing her face accusingly Against the glass beneath the stairs. On windy nights she Threatens God, maligns His angels; for the little boy who died Of scarlet fever; without once Calling her name; and the collie dog run over And the storm that forever uprooted Her wedding tulips. Mother shakes her head, says, “Poor Gran Will never be done; she’s got Too much grief to catch up on.” I wish our families would JUST GO AWAY and leave us ALONE. Phone call from Avril – our house for sale - her life very undecided. Toss lecturing very unsympathetically about what she “should” do – I bit his head off. I don’t dismiss his mother’s problems with smug pronouncements! He apologized, asked if he should fly A out here – generous but we really can’t afford it. We’ll get through this. Making applesauce from dying apples. T’s friend had a paper that needed typing - managed to get it done in time. Itchy vagina/anus from reckless wild sex acting up. Made a delicious dinner – porkchops with home made applesauce, green salad & sweet potatoes. Lie flat with yogurt in my V reading Queen Victoria & Her daughters. Not bad. Granma called about family party in March – now T has been on phone with his Mom the past 2 hours. Heard T yelling and cursing at his mother – then he comes up to tell me we have to “head off” Granma’s engagement party because his Mom doesn’t want to go to any party Granma throws. And she expects T to show “solidarity” with her by being unpleasant, stupid and cruel like she is. I try to explain to him that if she doesn’t want to go she doesn’t have to! She can throw her own party! There’s something wrong with Rebecca West – something distasteful. I just can’t put my finger on it. 5:30 PM Fri 11 Jan 80 Difficult, inconclusive day. Thank God for my mysticism – so necessary for an artist. I can just disappear into myself. Writing away to NJ Catholic colleges looking for a study of the mystics I can take this summer. My parents declare themselves appalled. “Mysticism doesn’t exist”. 8 pages on novel. It is scaring me to death. Why can’t I relax? Be playful? Is it because of my mother’s anger over the father’s death? She really cant forgive me for it! I’m so panic stricken over the ending I’ve decided NOT to make a plan. Toss got weird postcard from ex girlfriend. Couldn’t even tell whether she’d received his card or what it meant. Standing outside my own jealousy, I could see. The game is to pretend not caring. Trying to accept his love as a precursor to our love. He was filled with compassion for me over Devon’s weirdness. We discussed our children and their allowances as we walked the dogs! Very sweet letter from Beales saying he remembered me more fondly than he remembered himself! Cheered up by a book called Womanpriest. Sat 12 Jan 80 – 3:30 PM Worked on poetry,(horrible metric problems) read the 12 pages I got on Summer Before Spring– no good. Deep depression. I need to expunge all “flowery” writing-class writing. Beginning to feel this bombed out cavity of a house is cursed and no project can be completed here. And he badmouths my lovely, finished 5 bedroom 3 bath gas piped house in Safe Suburbia! Bad scene with T when I told him I’d already spent the money he gave me. He doesn’t think $35 necessary for groceries! But OK if long distance phone bills with his family are astronomical. He would do everything differently – why can’t I learn? I am afraid the real problem is males have their temper tantrums encouraged while little girls’ are relentlessly quashed. Accused T of caring more whether I’ve cleaned & cooked than written. I was surprised when I said I don’t respect his intellect! I said I’m just upset about my writing. He said why not find mentor. Hmm. Here? Webb critical of Harriet Martineau’s gossip – seems to see it as exclusively female (shades of V Woolf.) Pope, Rogers and Jonson said the most awful things about EVERYBODY. Plowing into Tudor Women. Poor Dixie having trouble walking – needs x-rays! 11:50 PM – Wed 16 Jan 80 Just finished B Russell’s autobiog – bizarre document! His description of dinner with the Stanleys (each member of the family adhering to a different religion) sizes up Victorianism perfectly. Got a letter from Brooklyn College saying they would consider me for teaching fellowship in creative writing program is they could see a sample of my writing. Better that than my academic record! 6 Oct 79
Brideshaping up well, a loose bag for anything I want to throw in (Woolf.) 6 chaps so far – think I can get 60,000 without too much trouble. Think I am jealous of this house –we painted 6 to 9. T runs himself too hard. Chase elected him to ANOTHER position as well as law school ed. Last night I made dinner – fillet of sole in sherry, sour cream & chives with broccoli & salad. Jan showed up for dinner – luckily there was plenty – both praised my cooking extravagantly. Wine flowed. Discussed celibacy of clergy. I blame greed – church wants to own everything, like Ma Bell. Jan wans to spend the night so he can watch Foreign Correspondent – offered to paint. Dinner – running – bath – reading – lovemaking – satisfying routine. Then today the wedding – can’t believe I survived it. Christina, Mindy & Cindy all there commenting on my lavender lace dress with burnt sienna leather jacket. (Couldn’t afford to buy anything new.) T said it looked like “an old lady dress” on the hanger but nice on. Waiting for ride drinking sherry T said my face with makeup was “over defined.” I began to feel alarmed but too late to do anything about it! He said I sometimes dressed and mad up as if I were 10 yrs older and had flaws to cover instead of “being a very beautiful woman but he was afraid to tell me about it because of my feelings about my parents (their criticism I guess.) He said “at least you don’t powder yourself any more like Marcel Marceau”! (Stage makeup is OBVIOUSLY different.) I said I was sorry he felt that way and particularly sorry he chose THAT moment to bring it up! I’m sure Mindy, Cindy & Christina were satisfied we were on the “outs”. Endlessly long super religious wedding. I was in a stew. I don’t even wear eyeliner! I wish he had given me some money but would I have used it on clothes & makeup? Probably not – I prefer writing and “staying alive”! So much emotionalism in the service I cried and he apologized. He said he was so proud of me and wanted everyone to feel the same. At the dull reception (bad jitterbug) he introduced me to Christina who was COMPLETELY different from what I expected – at least a foot taller than T and very elegant (no makeup, alas.) After I came out of the ladies T said Christina asked him to dance but he declined “She had her chance.” He could NEVER have married her – a Professional Virgin. Impossible. Had to go shopping at Kroger’s after wedding for food – we were feeling better but he couldn’t stop justifying himself. Something about how “physically perfect” I am but not “psychologically perfect” because of Mom and Dad! Made me sorry I’m honest with him – my parents are normal compared to his parents. I told him he’s lacking in charity. That shut him up. Sun. 14 Oct 1979 Toss seems entirely to understand my confusing depression: just found this note on the bed when I came up: “PAY TO THE ORDER OF ALYSSE AALLYN A WHOLE LOTTA LOVING, KISSING & HUGGING, AVALANCHE OF AFFECTION REDEEMED WHENEVR SHE FEELS INSECURE”. He’s downstairs right now with Julio. I don’t know what it is about my family that lays me so low. Is it that they never validate my perceptions? They want me to live in a world where either they’re mad or I am. It’s like trying to communicate through a wall and the more you love the people the more depressing it is. I just feel so ignored and denied. Unfortunately this ugly pointless pattern continues into my artistic life. Set up one framework after another, only to lose faith and discard them. Dreamed last night about Phil Jervaze of all people – that I was trying to get his phone no. 11 dec 79 Finished Life of Raymond Chandler. Reading about Ottoline Morrell and K Mansfield. Disgusted with poetry and taking a vacation. Bought T. he prettiest Pierre Cardin Diamond cufflinks. 5:30 PM 13 Dec 79 –Thurs A good day in spite of a weird pain between my breasts. Tension? Seems better when I move round. Reading Lady Sackville & drinking tea. Phone call from beloved after Commercial Paper exam. Having a haircut then home in ½ hr. I had news for him – our nephew born last night – a whopping 8 lbs – remind me never to eat when I’m pregnant. Mom called to tell me –apologized very nicely for sounding “disrespectful” about my work by dismissing it as “ghoulish” and “morbid.”. They can’t see the two different issues:
Finished Xmas cards today – 172 cards! T & I had beautiful long talk last night of course followed by spectacular lovemaking. Confiding fears for our relationship. T doesn’t se how this can last. I said I worry about hardening myself against him because it’s difficult to be so open. Out shopping today got a flat tire changed by the Kroger people! Would that happen in NE? Certainly not in DC. Very little sleep last night because of T’s studying – but I didn’t ant him to leave the bed. It’s getting dark now – beautiful light over St John’s church. Submitting altered version of The Spire(leaving out sexual poems.) 11:45 AM – Sun 16 Dec 79 In 15 mins my angel will have been at work for six hours. That’s more than a half day! When he gets here he still has his packing to do. He asked me what about pending summer in Princeton then back here for a year? He knows he can get a job here – his friends have been working on him. I said I’d hate it. Want to get established somewhere before I get pregnant. I have a far better chance of getting a job there than here. Greeting noises from dogs! StormFall Farm – Wed Dec 19 – 79 Unalloyed pleasure! Sitting at my desk in winter liv rm (table pushed up to window.) It’s been snowing since we woke up at 10. I saw my new house – Grovers’ Mill NJ – very low ceilinged antique farmhouse full of original furniture. Too outdated to rent but fine with me – a whole house of our own! We could have two kids there without being overcrowded! It has some unpleasant dark curtains we could just get rid of. T’s grandmother just went into nursing home for the second time. Looks like this is the last time. The only prob is it has no laundry room – perhaps adapt upstairs closet? (Very tiny closets too.) Pat, Andy & Toss have gone to town – I will walk dogs and then be ALONE. Gloriously ALONE. Very close to becoming complete recluse. Just finished N Mitford’s Voltaire in Love. T enormously enjoying Perry Mason whom I read to him on our long drives. |
Alysse Aallyn
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