11:30 AM Wed May 14 - 80
I’m exhausted. It’s been horrible. T. lashes himself forward with scorn & difficulties. His house full of oddments no sane person would want. Condoms behind EVERYTHING! I really lost my temper at him. He blames his various roommates then yells at me for not being sufficiently reverential about his ties. We fell back on glasses of iced tea, talking about the last 7 months. T says I now take his criticism better! I said my only criticism of him is that he’s too critical! His comments are “criticism”, mine are “bitching.” When I got a letter from Genevieve I read to him how she is now running 3 miles a day and he said “Better get going Alysse or she’ll eclipse you like she did in high school!” I was speechless! Then I said imagine if I said that about YOUR brother – either of them. He admitted he wouldn’t like it. As for mentioning half the stuff he wants to pack is broken – forget it. He’s going to fix it all someday. His latest worry is he’ll never get a job and we’ll be camped out cooking with Sterno! Sterno is expensive! 5:35 PM Fri May 16-80 Almost there! Unfortunately T is vague about time promises making planning difficult. Probably the most annoying thing about him since I like to plan every minute of every day to be sure of “psychic refreshment” time. He doesn’t think he deserves psychic refreshment till he’s dead. Is a problem. Clean till 8, then pizza, & Howard’s party at 8:30. Next time I write – we’ll be in NJ!!! 2:10 AM – Grovers Mill Sat 24 May 1980 Here we are! Just finished painting the newly plastered wall, putting up a bookcase and most of my books in it. Bad moment when T. thought I was going to paint the wall yellow (I wasn’t.) The kitchen is done but this bedroom still looks lie hell. Wrote a 9 p letter to Devon when I was at my bluest. Probably shouldn’t send it! Sometimes life is too mysterious and T is too much of a stranger. Of course imagine making this move with Devon! (Or Bruce!) Or Ryder. UNIMAGINABLE!!!! Things are worse because we’re fasting till Mon AM. I use food to pep myself up but this summer I’m determined to get my greed under control. Hard accomplishing anything with T standing over me questioning every move I make. Looking for a place to hang the Earl & Countess of Huntington bas reliefs Mom gave me T said “I won’t lie to you – I don’t like them.” I said, “I’ll put them in my study” but then I boiled. I don’t like ANY of his stuff - its all hideous – but what if I said so? I took it for granted that if HE likes & wants it, end of story. Evidently I need to recast my thinking! But that’s impossible – if I rejected everything I didn’t like we’d only have my stuff! Memorial Day Our compromise is – he works in the barn, I work in the house. The barn is full of treasures that need to be appraised and catalogued and probably sold but he is incensed when I say so! Everything must be saved till it chokes us to death. He is a very angry man and his anger makes me angry. Most unpleasant. He said Alysse, even when you’re angry you’re the person I love most I the world. I feel like I have T’s peace of mind in my care but he doesn’t have mine because he doesn’t know HOW to. Wasted time trying to get him to see praise & encouragement aren’t the same thing. He says, “At least when I praise you you’ll know I mean it.” He thinks I love him because my “standards are low.” 4:30 AM Sat 31 May 80 Can’t sleep. Reading Helen Van Slyke’s hymn to the middle class but all her books are hymns to the middle class. People who think life is an Ionesco play crossed with Munch’s The Scream won’t like Helen Van Slyke. Liddy likes my rewrite “a lot” and is submitting it to Crown. I was sure she’d be able to tell I was getting numb but apparently not. Sent my gothic The Bride & the Wolvesto Tower. Now I have to take a serious look at St Secaire. Had a little cry (private fortunately) over T praising my clothes, body & housework but not projects or ideas. Need to start a serious program of prayer & meditation. Ackerman liked T but his CLERKS didn’t want him and Ackerman leaves it up to them! Too bad. Now he’s behind on his bar study schedule because of the move. Maybe self study NOT the best pattern for a procrastinator? I think men aren’t bred to give encouragement. 7:15 PM Wed 4 June 80 “O Rose Thou Art Sick…” The problem is T’s anger. He we are walking the dogs he says “Keep to the road, dammit!” There is no point cursing at a dog! He says it makes HIM feel better. I say anger is corrupting – it just makes EVERYBODY angrier! How break an addiction that poisons our relationship? How is it women are called “strident” when men pullulate with such rage? Forms arrived so I innocently shared my poems and he got jealous of RYDER!!! It never even occurred to me! (Love the magician) Obviously I should have kept these “secret” but how icky is that! Especially when the guy is lecturing me on “honesty” night and day. I’m going to have to start pleading the Fifth. Set up a prayer desk in my study- books, candles, etc. I’m going to practice. I feel stupid asking for things – just try to get in touch with the Divine. I feel like God could “save” T! Flood him with light, etc. Yesterday required interview with Eng Dept a Brooklyn College for teaching. They astonished me by saying “You’re hired”! Thurs 5 June 80 Yesterday so bad I threatened to give up and drive to Washington! I was almost in despair. He said I am preventing him from studying with my “demands” which means breathing, sleeping & eating apparently. He apologized finally and said he’s just so upset about the bar exam! So I try to relax him physically. Give up on dieting – alcohol & food accomplish what rationalizing & arguing won’t.
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Alysse Aallyn
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