StormFall - 4 Aug 80
Familiar feeling of depression. More wedding invitations – Granma’s list and Sutton’s list. Poor Sutton – I feel so sorry for him even though he jokes about missing Val: “I got rid of the last gardener I had.” The only bad night was Ghislaine’s party – Mom and Dad chose a reel of slides and I sat there stunned at the genesis of all my stories. Ocean, lake, dolls cottage – happy healthy smiling people – whence comes all this pain? Dad looks at pictures of the Gryphon tooling through Europe and says, “I’d do it all again.” Would he? I wouldn’t! That pain comes from somewhere deep, deep inside me. Makes me feel like they’ve been right all along – there’s something wrong with ME. Luckily T backs me up – he says he “feels 13 yrs old” around them. Fortunately I had one “flying high” day on Shadowe – with Gretchen Fuchs, the poet. Oh, her library! We soared together in a conversational ecstasy. I saw us deep in the future, two old ladies in an Eng garden. Lovely woman. Champagne & steamers with Sutton – then home. Grover’s Mill – 10 Aug 80 Unpleasant shock in the mail today – Guilders demanding transcripts. Naïve me – I thought only the writing sample mattered for the writing program! Wait till they cock a snook at my record! Will I be exposed as an unqualified adventuress? Would it be so bad if they withdrew their offer Then I could go someplace else – Marymount maybe. How I long to be pregnant! StormFall – Tues 19 Aug 80 My last entry? I absent myself from family discussions saying I’ll go to bed to read – really want to write here. Just taken my last BC pill maybe EVER – only 13 pills into the packet. Feeling amorphous. Borderless. The aspirations of adolescence fading. What were the aspirations of adolescence? I can barely remember. To be admired, chiefly. By “others”. And now I’ve ditched the “others” and I’m alone on a vast plain – trying to steady a tipping world. Listening. Are inner imperatives enough for a whole self? What about love. But love is a term like “weather” – describes infinite mutability. Need to finish the goddam wedding maps & walk them to PO. 2:15 PM – Thurs 21 Aug 80 Period started! Shouldn’t be surprised – been having a brief period in the middle of my cycle since I started these damned pills – probably making me sick. Thinking about the relationships between parents & children – how avoid the miseries? Poor Mom! She always felt she’d “lose”. Dangerous not believing in an “eternal force” because then all there is is YOU. To BLAME. Poor Mom! Preferred to housekeep alone – but wanted us to “help” when she wasn’t there – “her way.” Fated to disappointment! Wedding programs – copy the service in a book for T’s friend Brackett – the gay Baptist preacher – to use. Weirdly dark cold day. Shakespeare play at Edith Wharton’s tonight is open air – I just hope it doesn’t rain! Tom’s out driving around with Cousin Wolf in the ancient Chevy II they resurrected. Studying the Marymount catalogue and reading Rilke’s Letters to a Young Poet– hadn’t realized he was so young when he wrote them! Should be called Letters FROM a Young Poet! May have to switch to Christie – sugar taken for “shock”.
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Alysse Aallyn
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