3 Aug 82
Back from the Berkshires to find 1 rejected MSS already. My typewriter broke down & Jacobus brought me his machine. Called IBM repairman. Jacobus left me with wrong typing ball & had to come back. T & L hanging up on each other. The sooner I can separate those two the better. Poor T looks back on Kentucky as “the golden days.” I really want this marriage to be a success but I think I should stop offering advice. There are so many things that he can do. Can’t forget how mad he got when I arranged a dinner with Dad’s lawyer assuming they could have a frank talk about the possibilities in the legal world and T embarrassed me by bouncing ragefully off the walls! “You set me up!” Back to Jacobus. The sooner he’s done the better I feel. The $4500 already gone. 3:30 PM Wed 4 Aug 82 Baby seems happy with blueberries & tray so after 1 hr Jacobus (IBM repairman a no-show) 1 hr housework and ½ hr nap I snatch a moment to write here. T and I stuck in a doomful crawl while I throw out ideas he then rejects. Lois taking a $30,000 second mortgage on her house to add to the $90,000 they hope to borrow on this place to get things moving. T talks of hiring a secretary while I need a job but L won’t hire me. My mental drains are backed up from the bad reviews poor Plath’s Journals are getting – this is a feminism sourcebook! The best revenge is living AT ALL (she would be 50 this year) by dying she placed herself in their power. Like Chatterton, she thought the twanging of her own desperation was the world’s machinery. She thought what she wanted was to be a “success” when what she really wanted was to stop being herself. The only freedom is in a concept of God. Seeing past the universe. God gives us permission just to Be. Why was I touched and she was not? Sat 7 Aug 82 Finished Jacobus’ work in a flat out hair raising push – now he’s silent. He always does this. Use my nervous energy on housecleaning, then iron to War & Peace. I can hear Mom thinning her lips to say “Life is real & life is earnest” – her favorite quote. Most people think she has the ideal life – she sees herself as performing an endless string of menial tasks for her family. T. offered to take some of the work off my shoulders – gave him a criminology thesis to type. 8/8/82 Jacobus has 2-3 more “lots”. His charts take forever! Alas, typing consumes all my writing time. Baby asleep 11/2 hrs! I dare not even flush the johns. Jacobus driving me off my onion – he rattles dictation like a bren gun. Jacobus’ transcriber broke and he’s getting me a new once – hope that slows things down a bit. Reading Jerome Goldstein’s In Business for Yourself. I agree with J. Granville that the stock mkt is going to get worse. Unreadable Georgette Heyer – endless sly preaching about Unwashed Them vs Us. A woman called in answer to my card – she’s published “2 Regencies” and nothing since then! Wanted to see a copy of my Tarnished Vows outline! I had to laugh – we’re all in this together. 1:40 PM Fri 13 Aug 82 I abandoned cranky Shane yelling upstairs – he needs a nap. He doesn’t agree. Walks his crib across floor and almost downstairs! Wrote for an application to an infant childcare center in W Windsor. Reading Louise Bernikov’s very good Between Women. Trying to get T to calculate what it actually costs to live here when he says we can’t afford to move. I think there are a lot of hidden costs. Imagining what would happen if our situations were flipped. He would be angry & threatening. Sat 14 Aug 82 Difficult anniversary dinner with couple whose wedding we attended last summer. They seem to have plenty of money – cars, houses, trips – just hearing about it is depressing. T made comment at one point that I “improve on the truth” I had to tackle him over it. I love Toss but am feeling immensely sad just now. Feel like I’m living I Dostoevsky’s Poor Folk. My uterus hurting when I sit down – I see how easy it would be to disappear into hypochondria. Luckily I am enjoying V. Sackville-West’s Pepita– worthy to stand by The Grande Mademoiselle.
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12 July 82
Back from scattering my business cards around Princeton” “Preparation of Literary Mss a Specialty.” Asset or liability? We will see. Came back from an avalanche of bullshit from romantic publishers as would make a pig choke. Zebra called to say they would buy Dishonored Virginoutright for $500 – Tom, who insisted on listening in (“I’ll be quiet”) made a loud snort of disgust. I tried to negotiate for any improvement, they said, “That’s what we’re offering.” I told them no. Charlene sent me a depressing letter about what real Christians would write. I usually don’t drop people but I’m tempted. Over vacation I tried to turn my life into an Evelyn Waugh novel (to save the time of writing here) but it didn’t work. Turns out I need this book – it’s a side of me I just can’t show anyone else. Should at least record that Fri & Sat were days of Perfect Bliss – driving through Maine – attending T’s Uncle Josh’s wedding. Beautiful event – I wore my bridesmaid’s dress – beautiful countryside. I ate that countryside up – lived in it through my eyes – thinking it’s all worth it – being me – seeing this. Then 5 glorious hours at the pond, floating on inner tubes, sporting like seals, making love in the grass while Shane played and slept so happy in his pen. 14 July 82 T disenchanted with his RE scheme – can’t even make costs much less profit. His mother offered to pay him $12,000 a year but when he asked for it said “That’s your rent.” The last tenant of this house paid NOTHING because its accommodations are so primitive – the idea was to keep it from being vandalized or burnt down. But Lois sees a way to get money out of her son. I think T’s disillusion makes him likelier to listen to me – since NEITHER of us is a “success” maybe we can plan to burst out of our shells together. But I’m having trouble articulating my feelings to myself much less to him. Rereading Holmes’ wonderful Shelley. A real cheer up in its object lesson that life is never whatever you were planning. 17 July 82 T’s out working on the car. He loves car and barn and yard work, it soothes him. Reading Sheed’s Clare Boothe Luce–first half ground-breaking, second half bizarre. He’s forced to admit she’s really not that interesting! Cary’s wedding at 1 in the broiling heat – S breaking out with prickly heat everywhere. Threw my diet out the window. While my mouth was filled with cake a very cynical man asked me what I “did” – I tried to turn my typing service into a literary consultancy. I know you’re supposed to be able to acquire customers at these events but people seem insecure or hostile. I may be finished with parties! Spent most of my time talking to another mother about our babies. I’m so proud of Shane – wonderful to show him off. T calls him “the baby emperor”. T. misses journalism – applied for a job with Prentice-Hall but says being a lawyer counts against him! They haven’t contacted him for an interview – he’s sure they’re deluged with resumes. Told Dr I feel like the Black Dahlia – hanging upside down with all the blood falling out. He looked unimpressed. 11 pm Mon 19 July 82 Very successful day! Finished retype of novel in a burst of effort – 27 p! Then long walk with baby. Read Rendell’s Make Death Love Me– she is so gruesome. I like her. If I can’t get people hitched maybe I can murder them instead. Sending novel out for copies. 20 July 82 A Dr Jacobus called me up and demanded I spell “cholecystectomy.” I successfully sounded it out – then he drove on me and dumped a load of gibberish plus tapes to transcribe. He was pissed at $1 a page but accepted it. Be careful what you want…and now I can’t play with Shane! Charlene huffy that I seem to be booked for the rest of the summer. 21 July 82 Constant nagging hunger & feelings of extreme ugliness. Trying to teach Shane to eat – he prefers finger food. Look to T for support and get a boatload of depression – he made the wrong call – sole practice awful his mother a nightmare and now his money’s all tied up in developing a house for his Mom! She doesn’t care how miserable he is – in fact it makes her hum and twitch her nose with pleasure: “THAT will teach you.” Somehow she’s getting even with everyone who ever offended her through him. How can this sadistic monster always see herself as the victim? I thought our best bet was to live at 1738 in Phila as landlords – he won’t even entertain the idea. “What will happen to this place?” It’s not ours! His mother appears to have trapped him into taking care of it for no money – then laughing about how badly he’s doing. He discussed trying to find some sort of night job. I said if anyone should take a night job it should be me. If only I could stay on my diet maybe I could go back to dancing. Solves exercise and money in one fell swoop! Now I’ve got to figure out how to type Dr. Jacobus’ cholecystectomy charts. It’s TEN PM DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR LIFE IS??? Rereading the loveletters of HG Wells & Rebecca West. Would make a super novel. 27 July 82 Feeling so besieged when Granma calls I nearly strangle her through the wire. WHO CALLS AT 7:40 AM???? T being tortured by the stock market – we should have sold last Sept. My Dad wants it to go down to 400 to show how evil Reagan is – who cares if we’re all ruined in the process. Wish I wasn’t so shredded by it all. Wrote a short story and T who hasn’t read a short story in years, lectured me on “what readers expect.” We don’t see eye to eye on what constitutes a satisfying ending. Fri Jun 11 82
4 loads of laundry. Shane is easy when he’s easy but when he’s not he’s EXHAUSTING. I’m a mass of tensions. (He just closed his eyes. Glory!) The trouble is 20 mins is too short for writing but it’s PERFECT for wailing here. Let’s just hope it “releases” tension instead of making things worse. FORGET about writing even TWO of these novels a year! It’s too painful a stretch. I’m having fun doing it “my way” but I don’t ever want to do it again. And then Daisy had the nerve to come over yesterday and lecture me about my career – I need to “get serious” and “not write crap”. She’s going to come out of her divorce with nothing but the kids but she doesn’t care she’s got a big rich family (whom she’ll go back to MN to join) and a guaranteed job ANYWHERE in insurance $60,000 a year any time she asks for it. Since bragging isn’t my thing I’m totally silenced. I’m sure she would say I should learn to brag! Only way to get ahead! S awake and playing in his pen – I’m correcting novel by hand. Need a word processor. Query letters to Sapphire & Braceland. How I would “catch shopper’s eye” or “fit in with latest craze.” I should be reading the competition but unfortunately it IS crap. Makes it hard to argue with the Daisies of this world and yet why should bilge & romance be synonymous? Think I understand not just Woolf’s but Plath’s suicide. I refuse to give up. Not that maintaining “romance” is easy: T calls that he’s missed his train – I go off my diet & destroy my fingernails. I can’t BELIEVE I’m trapped in this parody of a fifties marriage. I would like to bring T in on all my literary plans but I’m afraid it would be like consulting my parents – I’d end up sobbing hopelessly. How DID my self-esteem get so defused? Maybe because T has literally NO IDEA how to be supportive – it isn’t even a concept in his family. He never offers to take the baby – whom he loves – and his “help” around the house is offering Negative advice: “That’s awful.” On Sundays he makes breakfast while I “sleep in” not a rewarding experience – messes up every pot in the house, takes hours to produce anything while the baby screams. S drops his carrot for 2,000 time now sucking on my nightgown. Theresa here to clean – thank God. Reading Helen Van Slyke’s Always Is Not Forever thinking, gee, it would fun to write this novel with real people in it. Mon 14 Jun 82 No point asking T for help – he instantly out-depresses ME! He says as soon as he’s out of money I’ll divorce him! It seems my role is to pour out endless encouragement & support to make his life bearable. Uh oh! I want T to take me seriously as a writer and it just keeps getting worse and worse. 10 PM– got S down, feeling better – called T. He’s in a terrible state – L playing ripflesh with him – they’re out of money, owe $8,000 it’s his fault. His pointing out she shouldn’t have used development loan money to buy her dream house doesn’t get him off the hook. He promised to make her dreams come true. Tues. 15 Jun 84 T. staying home today, since his mom’s acting up. He’s out mowing hedge – baby sleeping – I had breakthrough. You can’t be both “safe” and “unpredictable” – these novels are the former and I want them to be the latter. Got to follow this lead wherever it takes me – somebody has to blaze trail. I want to write the “Robin Grunden” whose name appears on the “how to write for us” sheets and say, Look honey. We’re all adults here. Let’s invent our own categories. Wed 16 June 82 Giving my hair a hot oil treatment. Yesterday modest watershed – got my characters arguing about the double standard! 4 p! T says why don’t I get a job in publishing? Then I’d know what they want. I say the problem isn’t that I don’t know what they want. Working for a printer would make better sense. I’d like to be home for 2 years with baby – he’s going to grow & change in such important ways – would make all the difference. Mail brings hilarious letter from Pinnacle: “Herewith return your novel Devlyn which does not suit our requirements.” Didn’t read my letter OR even look at title of my book! Obviously they need somebody literate who can READ as well as open and stuff envelopes! T. hates the very idea of a press – it’s all a financial loss as far as he’s concerned. In the meantime Cary Newton calls T to say “forget about will –I’m getting married!” I’m embarrassed by how long T delayed – but maybe Cary will give him new will job after wedding. Feeling better by going off my diet –not too terrible – but had lunch at quarter to eleven! Just couldn’t tolerate the emptiness & pain one more min! 18 Jun 82 Bad day – good day – bad day – never was so sick of a book in all my life and I only have 123 viable pages! I don’t think it’s worth writing anything if its this hard. By sheer stubbornness I think I will have enough in another week to circulate among editors. Last time I write slush for free. I would have figured this out years ago if I wasn’t such a thorny mass of personal hangups. If this doesn’t work I’ll go into the typing business. Having my mss typed proves to me there’s serious cash in them thar hills. Struggling with The Political Character of Adolescence. Can’t write – baby smiling & laughing at me! He’s right – why get depressed when you can scream with laughter? It’s all hilarious! T & L got their zoning today. 20 Jun 82 Pansy & Sutton on their wedding tour – I have to crawl in bed after & pull covers over my head. Pansy probing always for the weak point- in my case, this damn novel. How I wish I were Daisy with flashing eyes and gnashing teeth. In T’s case weak point was Sykes margin call but Sutton will loan T stock. My own father promises $6000 but it sells for $4500 – that’s stock for you! Can’t juggle everything – giving up Fordham. T. said he would love me if I never wrote another word. It was the wrong thing to say. S on marathon nap – 3 hrs!!! 22 Jun 82 The baby was so quiet I rushed in – he opened his eyes and looked at me with that gorgeous smile! I‘m in love! T talked to L about developing this project – she says not for five years. So he says why not install wood burning stove in library? I say fine – in place of the piano. I was ready to hand S to T the minute he showed up but Daisy appeared to take our divorce testimony. I have chewed my cuticles till my hands ache. Off to Shadow Is for 2 weeks! Sat. 10 Oct 81
A much better day. New Hope with Miriam – lots of beautiful things to look at (embarrassed myself at the bonsai store: woman asked me if I needed help and I said, “I need a loan so I can buy some of this stuff.”) But was finally able to find a wonderful store selling inexpensive Indian clothes that are perfect for maternity wear and I can take in when the baby is born. I need to feel beautiful & confident again; not deprived. “I can do it.” Yesterday Lois came to our Lamaze class and acted if it was all a personal insult directed at her. I feel so sorry (and embarrassed) for her sometimes. She’s not very flexible, that’s for sure. She made fun of the concept of “enjoyable childbirth.” I tried to explain instead it’s a rite of passage – needs to have some meaning. The first question you ask about football is not “does it hurt?” Even though it often DOES hurt! Kills people sometimes (and there’s ways to prevent that.” She doesn’t follow analogies. Some change taking place in me – not sure what. Burst into tears over Jaffee’s Adult Education: thinking, “At last a woman’s point of view is emerging.” Inspired, managed 600 words on novel. Must beard Toss about $. He won’t like it but we’ll see. Women as “conservationists ONLY” has been culturally horrific. I need a cleaning lady even if I have to sell my Computervision. Bored by Alice Ellis’ Birds of the AirI paint fanciful Pennsylvania Dutch designs on baby’s furniture. 14 Oct 81 Should pregnancy be this traumatic? Midwife says baby is enormous, could be twins. My blood pressure is too far up – need to rest an hour a day and meditate 15 mins. T seems to forget I’m pregnant when he screams about house. I told him he has to stop calling me an inadequate wife at least till Dec. Maybe I WAS unwise to get pregnant this fast but for me the time was right. I am now ready to write 6 romantic novels a year if that’s what it takes. Hideous silence from agent – God knows what Silhouette thinks of my proposal. 10:10 PM 15 Oct 81 Day started taking a turn for the better at Womens Group where one of the women gave me an exercise GUARANTEED to bring my blood pressure down. Worth a try. Now I’m re-reading The Book of Hopeand it’s striking me anew. Attack of crying after the mail came – no word from Silhouette of course – I re-examine my depression and 2 factors emerge. #1 what a fighter I’ve been – I’m still unresigned and I don’t seem to care about encouragement and #2 if depression is justified is it really depression? I mean, things are rough! In spite of that I got a lot done – 3 poetry contests entered. All I can do is continue to gamble on myself. Wrote to Mom: since I decided against diaper serv, would she give me the same $ for cleaning woman? Sat 17 Oct 81 Letter from Guilders rejecting me as an “exceptional student!” I was surprised and Ezra said it was outrageous and he will fight for me, but I told him who wants them if they don’t want me? They’re entitled to their opinion – I’ll find someplace where I’m appreciated. When he’s been so helpful I couldn’t just tell him I don’t like the type of fiction they teach there anyway! I think it’s primarily a place to find mentors. Mom astounded me by saying I have one of the sweetest natures she knew of! I wanted to say, then how come you treat me with cruelty & hostility but my sweet nature wouldn’t let me! I mean if that isn’t a declaration of “Let’s start over” I can’t think of one! So maybe she’s right. “Get strong” I think is the lesson here. T had 4 wisdom teeth removed – kept saying he wasn’t in pain but seemed jumpy & bothered. Couldn’t eat – his sudden frailty made me realize how much I love him. He decided not to go to the farm (thank God – I can’t keep up with the housework HERE much less there) so we went to the movies instead. (So Fine. Forgettable.) Trying to come to terms with the uncooperative nature of art. Even when I’m “approved of” it brings no satisfaction. There’s only the work itself. Continue struggling with Tarnished Vows– making it “different.” Asked the obstetrician if you can take a 3 wk old baby to the Bahamas. Of course I was certain he’d say yes! HE SAID NO – airports are full of diseases! The hell with him! I’m going! Grover’s Mill, NJ – 4:30 PM Tues 8 June 82 God! Hate to begin another book thusly but yet another day off undifferentiated awfulness. Up 4 times in the night to change Shane’s bed (he’s going without dipes because of awful rash) then breakfast at 6 – T off at 7:15. Readng in bed till 8 – then prepare S for playgroup at 9. Agonizing embarrassment at playgroup – just me & hostess – her 4 month old not ready to play with anybody. He & Shane just stared at each other; nobody else showed up. I brought some sewing so at least I had something to do but wouldn’t you know it hostess turned out to be Experienced Seamstress who could make up for her embarrassment by telling me how wrongly I was doing everything. She also told me how much she paid for her awful rug and how to make fennel tea for the baby’s gas. I could not get out of there fast enough. Forced myself to shop on the way home even though dozy. Of course baby – who slept in car – insisted on having the last word. Wrestled with him till 1. To my utter incredulity who should show up but Seth & Susie – I think I looked as appalled as I felt. They just wanted to enumerate Lois’ “awful”isms – I let them get away with it when what I should have said is, “You’re no prize yourself, Seth.” Then he got on the subject of Toss: “Thinks I’m a needler.” “Well you ARE a needler.” (It’s not a power position.) “But he’s condescending.” See? It’s defense, not offense – he and his mother are snapping back at a world that’s out to get them. A perfect pair of paranoids. Got rid of them because Shane obviously needed a nap but I think my cover’s blown. Seth knows I’m not on his side – God knows what Susie thinks. Think I can just avoid them for the next 3 yrs. My new friend Daisy calls every day – trouble with her husband. Possibly leading to a divorce. Wants me to hide Mark’s letters in my diaper bag. Need a vacation to get away from HER. House looks like cyclone hit it. Correcting 10 P a day was a pipedream! I have given up on the idea of a car – just have to hope every day that the Chrysler is working. 28 Sept 81
Couldn’t get to Bradley class (I’m hedging my bets) last night because car broke down in Cranbury. Had to call a wrecker. Then the Chrysler wouldn’t start either. Had it towed to Reed’s. Faced with $150 gas bill and $180 elec bill – doesn’t seem possible. Plus the house is a mess and I have sciatica. T. walked to the station this am – luckily only a 20 min walk. Reading about Harold Nicolson’s “jobless” phase when no one liked him – I can identify. Working on poetry submissions for WatermarkI hear dogs bark – I stagger to the door in my torn caftan to see Miriam from women’s church group; baby on hip. She drinks coffee and tells me your private and marital lives are completely destroyed by children. Thanks! Also new way to clean kitchen floors. We set up a new date to go strolling in New Hope – she won’t have her kid and I won’t look like Godzilla goes to Oz. 5 Oct 81 Bad phone call with Mm – she acted like seeing a therapist is an admission that “something’s wrong with me.” Asked why – I made up a coherent reason – my crying jags. Realized after I should have said pregnancy. Every conversation seems to slam a door. Wolf’s wedding present was a black cat in severe need of some kind of vet treatment (eczema?) Taking him to vet then home to make dinner. T promised to stay home Thurs to help me clean. Feeling better abut our midwife. I’m sure I made the right decision even though Lois is trying to scare me about “lack of anesthesia.” 7 Oct 81 This depressing red book! Bad session with Dr. James yesterday. She says numbing oneself to the pain leaves one in a drugged state without energy to break the deadlock. And yet I have to keep going. Dr. J thinks I deliberately chose writing because being ignored and rejected is just the way my parents treat me! “What am I trying to prove?” My natural optimism asserts itself – I don’t think I’m trying to prove anything! I’m not that involved with other people but with myself and my own capabilities. You can imagine what Dr.J says about that! According to her the world only exists to bring us to life. T. outside mowing. Housework is my #1 complaint right now. If I could jut get this place tolerable the next few weeks will be more bearable. 8 Oct 81 Forced myself to attend Womens’ Group after only 5 hrs sleep – I really enjoyed it. Miriam then asks me, “What are you doing next?” Stupidly I said, “Nothing” and she said, “Me, too, let’s do it together.” We visited the Lamplighter where I bought a couple of CS Lewis paperbacks and a book on the Inklings. I invented an after lunch apt so the whole day wouldn’t be blown but I find myself disliking her. She’s exhaustingly competitive. She wants to complain about her husband and she wants me to complain about my husband. I have plenty of complaints about T – he probably has just as many about me – but why repeat them? It just solidifies them when I feel the whole situation could change over night. She was pretty shocked that we don’t have insurance. The midwife is $500 but what about complications if I have to go to the hosp? Not my favorite subject for discussion. (She says a Caesarean is $4000!.) Came home and immediately fell into a deep sleep – woke up just in time to get T and now I’ve set him to making a soufflé. He had bad news on his day – he and L had lunch with Pres of the local civic assoc who is going to fight them on parking. He wants to force them to build fewer units. T. also upset about L’s close-mouthedness about her financial status – she had two margin calls last month! He’s been up front with her about his. Now she wants to use the architect as a straw man to buy two more buildings but T wants to develop the one they’ve got. Conflict. He suspects her of “borrowing” Mother Louise’s money which she’s technically not supposed to do. 10:30 PM– Devastated. Over dinner (my salad and his very respectable soufflé) T. very critical of how poorly I keep this place – how little I do. I tried talking about the danger to our love of these kinds of fights – got nowhere. Now he’s driven off to Hightstown. I don’t recover from these things as fast as he does. I have tremendous faith in our future. Maybe I should try to get him in to see Dr. James. Or she could suggest someone who’s a stranger to us both. Fri 9 Oct 81 Terrible nightmare because of our fight – T throwing all our furniture out of the house, me fleeing to a motel. Got lost, came home and crawled in through the garage window to find the place burgled. Loneliness, confusion, desperation. He apologized thoroughly and sincerely. I really need the 11thhr cavalry – good news about my career – but I’ve forgotten what it feels like. If I finished MFA could teach writing. 12:50 AM Sun 20 Sept 81
Hard day in NYC with Mom & Dad – when they heard my agent wants me to write a romantic novel they immediately began arguing on her side!!! If I had said I was GOING to do it they would have attacked me! “How long would it take?” “Wouldn’t it be worth it to get out from under?” Then it was T’s turn to be grilled about his & Lois’ newly incorporated Faircross: “it can’t work.” Our unborn baby referred to as “another mouth in line for the swag.” Then they invited us to the Bahamas. T. was polite but handled it well. I could see he was offended. Afterwards he told me he didn’t WANT to go to the Bahamas but I DO. What other chance will I get? MY SISTERS ARE GOING! T wants me to promise him never to ask my Dad for money again. (That would suit my Dad!) But there’s a problem. At least SOME OF IT is my money – they keep laying it aside in my name “for tax reasons” but they don’t give it to me to manage because I would spend it. (Which I would.) Toss gets to manage his own money and Faircross is what he’s doing with it. Deciding how to spend it is the whole point. Till then it’s Poor Little Rich Girl. According to their own statements they have 2 months to give me $4000. 1:10 PM– T leaves with our housework half done – has to go to Phila to tell Iphigenia she can’t be part of Faircross. She has the track record but not the cash. I’m going to finish and then hit my new, entirely cynical romance Tarnished Vows. I’ve got a whole series planned in my head called The Double Standard elucidating – guess what? If I wrote 5 of them I could make $40,000. Can always use a pseudonym. Last night’s Lamaze made me feel ebullient – confident – ready to go at any moment. Wash Weasel & brush Dixie. 22 Sept 81 Black depression. Hasn’t been this bad since summer – maybe I should schedule an apt with Dr James. Silhouette & Harlequin sending me such bad books and unrealistic editorial demands I can’t make myself go to the mailbox. Paradise Postponed made every mistake there is and they are offering it up as a model. So – anybody rather than them. Can’t wait to be my own publisher! The hell with all of them! T missed the 6:30 and isn’t coming till 9 PM and I need the comfort of his presence. Suffering through the letters of Hemingway won’t help. I need Trollope to cheer me up. StormFall Farm, Fri 25 Sept 81 Sitting before a sluggish fire – T off on a tractor buying expedition with his Dad. Gives him a feeling of belonging. Sutton not accepting the Faircross idea – thinks T should go with a firm. Calls Lois a “terrorist.” Let’s hope she’s that way only with her husband. Finished Symons’sPoeand tackling M Gordon’s Final Payments. Uncle Avery drunk dialed T twice last night – kept calling Sutton “Your brother.” “No, he’s your brother.” “Well, who am I?” Who indeed? Bad Ionesco play. He tortures himself both for having inherited money and for being too poor! There’s more than one double standard. T expects to feel completely different when he’s a father himself. Got a new poem Heloise & Abelard: from the Flame to the Flame. From the Flame to the Flame Heloise to Abelard Master my Brother; Father Confessor; my all You see before you a nun An abbess in fact Silent antiphon of grace that closing Octaves of silence. I had rather be your whore. Slut, jade, poule What sweets! Relish those words as I relished Blows you struck like kisses. Five, like Christ I counted them. You sir, my midwife failed To cut the cord yet You delivered me. Satan wormed your root; left Me whole but empty. Today I’m cinque-cut You’re a smooth stockade. I took the veil Mistook it Impetuous as you took me Masquerading like the time We stole from uncle’s house In holy guise. Took the veil as Jason’s wife donned A wedding dress She never could remove; it burned Her flesh as cerements cremate me. You denied me thrice, False Peter Though I would crawl to Bethany to earn A word. The grave Is not so silent as you are. Yes, I’ve chatted up the dead These many times. Master, cousin, lover Slave – we are bound. Closer to you than that holy tattoo you wear As if it became you. When you die I’m the blood that courses From your veins The centime on your eyes The empty scabbard left Between your thighs The last escaping sigh I. I was struggling with Miss Foulke and came across an earlier version. Suddenly it all came together. A great reason to never throw anything out. Sun 8 Mar 81
April isn’t the cruelest month – Feb & March are. Oh for it to be over. Depressed phone call from Avril - I told her how much reading theology had helped me. Suffering isn’t purposeless; it’s the beginning of everything. The wake-up call. She was depressed enough to listen. Read Beryl Bainbridge’s disappointing Quiet Life and am now plunged into Pearson’s Life of Ian Fleming. There’s a cautionary tale for you. Wed. 11 Mar 81 So tired all the time I am DRAGGING myself around. Lois is angry that we’re not paying rent – T trying to negotiate “work he does around the place” which keeps him away from writing & the law. Sutton calls to say he’s marrying Pansy. Lois demands a “pow-wow” about “the unresolved state of this family” which I think will be more screaming about Sutton and all the Hideous Wrongs he did her long, long, long ago. While we sit there pie-eyed. 12 Mar 81 I was right about the pow-wow. She wanted to read us a long letter she’s writing to Sutton about how he’s a bird who fouls his own nest. We know but don’t say this is in response to his marriage announcement. I say she’s acting like they got divorced YESTERDAY and she tells me I DON’T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING. More examples of what an awful father Sutton was, abandoning his children etc. etc. I say she should be GLAD SHE’S RID OF HIM if all these things are true. Her argument sounds like he was too awful to be “allowed” to leave her but isn’t she really saying she deserves better? Slowly it emerges that she’s really depressed because her advisors tell her she needs a partner with a track record to develop this property (plus the one she wants to buy in Phila.) Toss says he will be her attorney. My hackles rise. This is a woman who calls black white and praises herself for her honesty all in one breath. I tell Toss privately we need to get the HECK out of her house but he’s loving being involved with his grandparents stuff. Sat 21 Mar 81 Hoping I’m pregnant. Just don’t want to focus on anyone else. Reading advice book for writers it occurred to me I’ve heard ALL THIS BEFORE – in women’s mags telling girls how to attract men. “Find out what he likes and be that” “Be careful not to turn him off” “Smile” and “Be cheerful NO MATTER WHAT.” Or how to get hired in Domestic Service 1800. There’s the truth about buyers’ markets. I need a press of my own. 24 Mar 81 (Tues) In the train Good day yesterday – I typed 20 p of novel – T got Kidder Peabody check. Want to send it to my agent for her opinion NO MATTER WHAT my class says. Made the 9:30 dance class. Reading a history of the Alcott family. Pretty sure I’m pregnant – breasts enlarged and period 10 days late! And all this exhaustion!! I’ve been too tired for sex! Also depressed at living In a cramped ancient house full of ugly broken down furniture. Wed Ap 1 81 Have to face it – I just hate PD James. Unsuitable Job for a Woman unsuitable for reading. I find her attitude to humanity downright depressing. Guiltily enjoy The Pale Horse instead. Wonderful book! Avril and I have long discussion about how impossible it is to diet when depressed. Food is not just love; it’s excitement, color, interest. 7 Tues Ap 81 Wonderful news! YES I am pregnant and T won prestigious IRE award (with Larry West) on their coal series. Just back from celebratory weekend in KY. We’ll be going out to San Diego for awards dinner. T feeling elated & secure. Now if I can just make I through this semester… 18 Sept 81 5:45 PM Grimly assembled a poetry collection for contest – for sacrificial reasons, knowing I won’t win – then had to take another nap. Have I been awake at all today Endless problems over Fordham Life Exp credits making me want to say The Hell With It. How do I get into these fixes – suddenly dependent for “approval” from bureaucrats I despise? There must be another way to live. Plumly’s ugly insistence on “appearance versus reality” raises its hideous head. I am an artist, most at home in the company of artists – but the financial picture cloudy. Still “finding myself” as they say. Learning not to care about $ could be tough when I am about to become a mother! Forced to conclude my timing has always been bad. T. unexpectedly inviting me out to dinner really helps with the gloom. Tues. 4 Feb 81
First day of class both teaching & taking. Met with Fordham advisor who ants me to switch out f Excel and pursue a double major – maybe philosophy! Whoa there! My class babies with glazed eyes – my fict seminar wrangles about the Death of the Novel. Very dispiriting. They are excited by horrible shit sans character or plot. Plot is contrived and character is MUTABLE. Ineed to stop reading thrillers I enjoy and learn to like Robbe-Grillet. Wed 5 Feb 81 Miss T – haven’t seen him since 9. Gave my class a really easy test they could pass they all failed. Blue, blue blue. Women’s group wonderful on the other hand – I adore Joan. Want to ask her to christen our children. Sat 7 Feb 81 Spent $359 on bathroom floor tiles. It had to be done. Dinner at the neighbors who wanted to show off their friend a famous journalist. I got too drunk – T has forgiven me but I can’t forgive myself. Bad day all day. The sorrow of teaching Eng to the deprived – taking their money and flunking them – is always with me. Don’t like this system. Tried moving novel into first person voice – something my class can respect. Wonderfully cheering call with Avril – she is so good. Mon 9 Feb 81 Off to library in Chrysler – got a flat tire – had to wait an hour for AAA – missed appt with man to hook up tiny washer dryer we are installing in dining room closet. Feel squeezed & helpless. Discouraged by mess in house. Frustration the most difficult emotion to deal with. Not impressed by Ross Macdonald: “There’s nothing worse than an ugly woman with a gun.” Really? Bid of $1000 for wiring & plumbing. Bills bills bills and soon it will be tax time while every job prospect for T melts away. 18 Feb 81 Coming out of depression. IRS is auditing me – Toss being completely calm and supportive. He will represent me! Costume dinner at Snowbury was waste space but we was fun wearing the costumes & we met some interesting people. (Mayor & his girlfriend, a lawyer.) Weekend at StormFall where I officially give up on fiction and surrender to poetry. Offer to help Gretchen Fuchs find a publisher for her book – it’s so beautiful I can’t believe we won’t be successful. T. painting my bathroom. 20 Feb 81 My depression climaxes and I call in sick – feel like an ugly hopeless worthless slob. Housework all day until I become depressed over how ancient and broke everything is. So desperate I try prayer. The cure lies in orderliness I’m sure. Sun 22 Feb 81 One cure for depression is reading my diaries – the horrors of Ryder, Devon, Jervaze. Toss so wonderful by comparison. More relief offered by Ann Sexton’s poems. Mon 23 Feb 81 Feel so unequal to everything. Trying to please too many people with my writing – obvious cure: please only myself. T asked if I would mind him working for the govt – prosecutor or IRS. I said no – if he wasn’t bored. He said he’s never been as close to another person as he is to me – relief. I was considering myself a hopeless case. Dancing the only job where I didn’t have the fear of being “found out” because I knew I was good at it. 28 Feb 81 Party went well – bathroom finished, house stunningly clean & orderly. I got a bit snarly with Toss because he has literally no idea how to fit tasks into a time frame – whatever he chooses to do takes forever. He can’t prioritize, either. But the food was good, and I could tell Genevieve and Brett had a good time. T. and I got up early and dressed in our dowdiest clothes to go to New Brunswick. T and I did research – who knew I kept an 1978 expense diary? we bristled with estimates & documentation – T said he could get me a refund! I begged him not to even TRY. Called for directions – our contact not there so a new time set up. Annoying jerkwoman! Spend the day reading Shana Alexander’s Anyone’s Daughter and reflecting on Mom & Dad. Fri 6 Mar 81 -11:15 PM T. in DC for an attorney fees conference so I am all by myself. Tried calling him an hour ago but I think they went out to dinner; now I’m too tired. Exhausted after doing all the work I can stand – letters to everybody. Lots of good news – T owns up he’s worth a quarter million so he can afford to put another $900 into our account. It also explains why he doesn’t want to take a job he hates! I wouldn’t either! In fact I have a little more money than usual because the fellows were included in the general raise. And T DID get a refund for me from the IRS which frankly I think was a miracle. I immediately buy $100 worth of spring clothes and go to dance class ($65/month.) Where they yell at me for my style (which was to be expected. NOT impressed by the likes of Martha Graham. The best news of all is that Lois won her long-running case against her mother’s self-serving trustees – the bank has been officially chastised and DUMPED. Now Lois can develop the property – work for Toss & money for everybody. Unfortunately her first action is to get her sons to sign off on any interest they had in the trust – sign it over to her. This raised my eyebrows but T trusts her. Good conversation with Mom & Dad – I hadn’t actually looked at their blueprints for the new island house but I didn’t let on. Invited Mom to study in England with me three weeks this summer – she says she can’t take that much time away from Dad – he would just drink orange juice and sob. 22 Thurs 81
Wonderful women’s service at Trinity – new minister Joan Platt – like her very much. Completely relaxed about me sobbing my way through the Nicene Creed – “it gets some people that way!” Went to the Fordham party with Donna – Dr Dohrn seems to think I could be pulled out of the Excel program fairly soon. Introduced Donna to T’s roommate – she was nervous he was supercilious. I give up matchmaking. T (due in ½ hr driving the ’65 Chrysler Imperial from Phila) said people create their own hells of loneliness. Sat 24 Jan 81 Off to Trenton library with T – he studies and I enjoy Caroline Gordon’s How to Read A Novel. We look at washers and driers – you really can’t get anything for under $700 so we buy a heated bedpad instead. I read the Denatured Novel – then we have chicken soup in bed watching Desk Set. Thurs 29 Jan 81 I like the women’s service even better than the discussion afterwards. Stress interview with Book Forum – wanted me to “throw out 1,000 ideas really fast.” Became completely tongue tied – hadn’t expected that – thought we’d talk about what THEY need. As a result I looked like an idiot. Could barely smile. Awful. I came up with my “Impure Women” concept – Mansfield, Plath, Woolf – that was it. Sounded tired even to me. Obviously never hear from them again. Imagine me being taken for an academic! Hilarious. Fast registrations at both Fordham & Guilders – only had to pay ½ when I said I was getting a loan. Dinner with Charlene but I rushed home missing T – it was 12:10 and he waited up for me. Delirious marital sex all over the place. Fri 30 Jan 81 Terrible arguments with T about Episcopalianism vs Quakerism. He’s not looking forward to Epis dance. Sat 31 Jan 81 T in his wedding tuxedo – me in a blue bridesmaid’s dress at the Episc. Dance. I especially enjoyed meeting Joan Platt’s husb Peter. Also the new curate – slight pretty girl. (The poor Catholics!) Connected with my parents’ old friends the Macdonalds. Bob McD hilariously funny. T had a great time; didn’t scream at anyone. We left at 11. Sun 1 Feb 81 Met Dom on train – T in “correction mode.” He never does this at home. I called him Mr. Persnickety. Wait a solid hr at Lois’ house till we can leave for Chadd’s Ford. I eat too many cookies while marveling at Lois’ ability to estrange people. She goes on and on about how the Garden of Eden is a birth myth – this has never been noticed in the history of time by anyone but her. We don’t argue because that would trigger an endless “scene” – she would make us sit there for an eternity unable to move while she beats us into submission. That’s the kind of audience she prefers - cowed. Ricardo wiggles his eyebrows at us behind her back, gesturing “Please don’t say anything so we can just get out of here and have a nice day.” She goes on and on in her babygirl voice while batting her eyelashes until you want to smack her. The worst thing that could ever happen to her in life would be to meet herself – neither would ever give ground until they both died, like a Greek myth. If she read any actual books she would not be so impressed with her own ideas – she hasn’t gotten through a whole one the entire time I’ve known her. She’s still reeling from the Deep Truths of The Road Less Travelled – gave everyone copies so they can see how terrible others are –it’s never her. Finally we get out of there and take both grandmothers out to dinner in Chadd’s Ford to celebrate their birthdays and hav a very nice meal. I’m bore though so eat too much. Reading the last vol of Kathleen Raine’s autobio – she’s having a rough time with Christianity and there’s no comfort I can give her. 8 JAN 81
I wake up early to study – making love luxuriously with T when he says “Could you tolerate coitus interruptus for once? I have to call my broker.” I rush into class 20 mins late to administer my own exam. Kids not punished for that – what they ARE punished for is me being their teacher – graded by the one supervisor who dislikes me. She flunks all my doubtfuls and Maria who should have gotten by. Requesting retest for Maria. Long argument over dinner about language requirements in schools. He says I am “hostile” to his ideas. I say women are supposed to empathize & sympathize and HE doesn’t do that to MY ideas so why not say what I really think? Tis evolves into criticism that I expect him to pay for my education. Take out student loans. He can’t borrow on margin for me. I say I’m paying with the money Mom & Dad gave me, feeling he really wants me to see that I’m not actually “making” money (incontestable.) Now he is rattling dishes angrily downstairs – his turn to wash them. 13 JAN 81 Off to Phila where T will request variance so he can have law office in his mother’s house. Says this will make him feel better and I am all for it. Lois shows off a property she is longing to develop into an Italianate palace for herself. Warns me to SAY NOTHING about it – she is always worried people are gossiping about her. Came home to crisis – frozen water pipe dumps water into living room. T takes a steak knife to the hall ceiling to see where the backup is and finds it. Afraid my class is right and novel is hopeless and can never be shown to anyone: I wrote it “too fast” for it to be any good. 7 yrs bad, 3 months worse. Depression. 18 Sun Jan 81 Up early to take Granma to Quaker Meeting. Very boring. Elder from my first wedding came up and spoke to me – I didn’t recognize her! It was Grandmother Day – spent the afternoon with Mother Louise who forgets who everyone is after 20 mins. Eve long ecstatic phone gossip with Avril. Mon 19 Jan 81 Jam packed day – filed grades at Guilders, Financial Aid lecture at Fordham then drinks at World Trade Center with T & Old roommate. Tues depressing orientation at Fordham – can’t get “life experience” credits till you have 20 Fordham credits! Decided to apply for guaranteed student loan – T will be happy. Considering Study Abroad in Eng! After I get pregnant that’s no longer possible. Letter from Book Forum asking me to come in – they might have something for me to do! That would be the first thing I haven’t had to claw for – its welcome. Set up apt for next Wed. Bad thriller by Stanton Forbes & good one by Anne Morice. |
Alysse Aallyn
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