Sun 8 Mar 81
April isn’t the cruelest month – Feb & March are. Oh for it to be over. Depressed phone call from Avril - I told her how much reading theology had helped me. Suffering isn’t purposeless; it’s the beginning of everything. The wake-up call. She was depressed enough to listen. Read Beryl Bainbridge’s disappointing Quiet Life and am now plunged into Pearson’s Life of Ian Fleming. There’s a cautionary tale for you. Wed. 11 Mar 81 So tired all the time I am DRAGGING myself around. Lois is angry that we’re not paying rent – T trying to negotiate “work he does around the place” which keeps him away from writing & the law. Sutton calls to say he’s marrying Pansy. Lois demands a “pow-wow” about “the unresolved state of this family” which I think will be more screaming about Sutton and all the Hideous Wrongs he did her long, long, long ago. While we sit there pie-eyed. 12 Mar 81 I was right about the pow-wow. She wanted to read us a long letter she’s writing to Sutton about how he’s a bird who fouls his own nest. We know but don’t say this is in response to his marriage announcement. I say she’s acting like they got divorced YESTERDAY and she tells me I DON’T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING. More examples of what an awful father Sutton was, abandoning his children etc. etc. I say she should be GLAD SHE’S RID OF HIM if all these things are true. Her argument sounds like he was too awful to be “allowed” to leave her but isn’t she really saying she deserves better? Slowly it emerges that she’s really depressed because her advisors tell her she needs a partner with a track record to develop this property (plus the one she wants to buy in Phila.) Toss says he will be her attorney. My hackles rise. This is a woman who calls black white and praises herself for her honesty all in one breath. I tell Toss privately we need to get the HECK out of her house but he’s loving being involved with his grandparents stuff. Sat 21 Mar 81 Hoping I’m pregnant. Just don’t want to focus on anyone else. Reading advice book for writers it occurred to me I’ve heard ALL THIS BEFORE – in women’s mags telling girls how to attract men. “Find out what he likes and be that” “Be careful not to turn him off” “Smile” and “Be cheerful NO MATTER WHAT.” Or how to get hired in Domestic Service 1800. There’s the truth about buyers’ markets. I need a press of my own. 24 Mar 81 (Tues) In the train Good day yesterday – I typed 20 p of novel – T got Kidder Peabody check. Want to send it to my agent for her opinion NO MATTER WHAT my class says. Made the 9:30 dance class. Reading a history of the Alcott family. Pretty sure I’m pregnant – breasts enlarged and period 10 days late! And all this exhaustion!! I’ve been too tired for sex! Also depressed at living In a cramped ancient house full of ugly broken down furniture. Wed Ap 1 81 Have to face it – I just hate PD James. Unsuitable Job for a Woman unsuitable for reading. I find her attitude to humanity downright depressing. Guiltily enjoy The Pale Horse instead. Wonderful book! Avril and I have long discussion about how impossible it is to diet when depressed. Food is not just love; it’s excitement, color, interest. 7 Tues Ap 81 Wonderful news! YES I am pregnant and T won prestigious IRE award (with Larry West) on their coal series. Just back from celebratory weekend in KY. We’ll be going out to San Diego for awards dinner. T feeling elated & secure. Now if I can just make I through this semester… 18 Sept 81 5:45 PM Grimly assembled a poetry collection for contest – for sacrificial reasons, knowing I won’t win – then had to take another nap. Have I been awake at all today Endless problems over Fordham Life Exp credits making me want to say The Hell With It. How do I get into these fixes – suddenly dependent for “approval” from bureaucrats I despise? There must be another way to live. Plumly’s ugly insistence on “appearance versus reality” raises its hideous head. I am an artist, most at home in the company of artists – but the financial picture cloudy. Still “finding myself” as they say. Learning not to care about $ could be tough when I am about to become a mother! Forced to conclude my timing has always been bad. T. unexpectedly inviting me out to dinner really helps with the gloom.
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Alysse Aallyn
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