3 PM Tues 30 May 78
Struggled through 2 bad pages on Demonthat will have to be rewritten, then finished Sylvia Townsend Warner’s tragicAt the Stroke of Midnight. This beautiful short story almost finished me. Yesterday Italian food made me & A logy – we tried going dancing. Horrible place, bad band. (Tramps). Predatory males (who spoke bad English) verydifficult to get rid of. Saw Greek Tycoon instead – worse even than we’d been led to believe. Came home and read two bad detective stories by “good” writers. Guilt-inducing cash from M & D – makes me feel inadequate but I need it. Means I can buy vac clnr and summer dresses. Call Peter like a dutiful child – this whole affair is tinged with doom. Thank God he is “busy” with his Secret Married Woman (who turns out to Someone Big in the Democratic Committee). His parents and my parents should just date each other. Dogs need walking and I need to check on vandalism at abandoned house. 2 PM Sat June 2 – 78 Trouble opening latest letter from Devon – I had the weirdest premonition it would a marriage proposal! It was indeed very loving – he has hit a summit of boredom and restlessness for which I am doubtless not the cure. Praised my novel for its “mystical sense of altered consciousness.” Wow. I like that better than “brilliant satire”. A & I went to Dillards concert at Cellar Door – they are so charming. Reminiscences of seeing Bruce play there. First act was Scarlet Ribera and Black Rose Band – liked hereven better. Some attractive men, but casual sex seems to raise more problems than it solves. A & I agree that after the “healing” comes the “strengthening” period. Coltsville Community College asks me to teach seminar on gothic novel – of course I said yes. Poor bastards. Birds stuffing themselves at my feeder. Plush Palace Mon 5 June 78 Perfect day – interesting stirrings inside – feel I am on the edge of some sort of breakthrough. Yesterday fresh sweet corn and turkey salad at A’s, then we watched B Stanwyck’s Double Indemnity on TV. Classic Chandler. “Aren’t you going 75 in a 30 mph zone?” After that I dressed up in my satin 3-piece suit to see Helmut Berger at the Kennedy Center. (Sigh). What a honey that man is. After that sent Bruce a letter with the Unwelcome News that I am “estopped” from filing for divorce in the state of Maryland because hemade me sign a “no contest” paper and then dropped hissuit! Paralysis! I know he was hoping to get out of this without paying (his last girlfriend proffered enough cash to get us this far then predictably abandoned him as soon as his True Colors became apparent.) Maybe I can establish residence in Virginia and start all over again. Had an eye appt in Bethesda so went to that library where I’ve never been and got a TON of interesting books. Treasuring Patricia Beers’ Reader, I Married Him. Plush Palace Mon 12 June 78 – 7:00 PM Horrible experience last night at the Garland Dinner Theatre – we were seated with some couple where the male was obviously severely mentally ill –she fed him 1,000 pills throughout dinner to keep him from exploding. We could have “complained” and demanded to be seated elsewhere but it just seemed so cruel. We used every bit of our mother’s otherwise completely pernicious training and tried to act like nothingwas happening. I’mtrying to muster up the discipline to unplug my phone till six – I’m getting too involved in A’s job hunt. She told me to Butt Out. She’s right – I should write. What the hell am I thinking being somebody’s “mother”? We have too much of a mother already – for both of us. Martin Green’sChildren of the Suna survey rather than the illumination I’d hoped for. Now I need a real Brian Howard bio. Fri – Day One – 16 June 78 Phone awoke me at one am – no one there. Got back to sleep by sketching out plot for novel where woman hires PI to find out who on list of names has been sending hang-up calls. Major Names of a Lifetime. Yesterday excellent day – haven’t known such joy since April. Sunbathing reading Ada Leverson & Her Circle– delicious. (Of course she was a bit of an idiot.) Cleaned entire house yesterday so when I got back from dancing it was immaculate. (The dogs messed it up again immediately.) Read Jane Rule’s excellentLesbian Imagesat work. She’s dumb about Colette and Bowen but I agree with her that loneliness and bad experiences are the enemy, not homosexuality. But I don’t think I’m up for a lesbian experience – women too emotionally demanding. They do too muchwork (men do too little). Hideously unsatisfactory choice – like having to choose between a ton of salt or none. Better to go without. Peter called to say we “ought to get together”. Seemed very halfhearted to me. Bet he wanted to tell his mother he’d made an effort. I doubt we can surmount this fundamental lack of attraction (we both prefer blondes) but Mom thinks just the opposite. Marry people you’re NOT attracted to so you won’t be “swept away” by “hormones” and you can make “reasoned decisions”! Is that pitiable or what? Avril says she’s lying because everybody lies about sex. Probably handed Dad her wet underpants on their very first date. (At the ballet? I don’t see it.) Mom has also said the worse you are at sex the more likely you are to get a proposal. Does this make sense to you? Ryder’s marriage (under these exact principles) lasted 2 yrs and he wanted to be anywhere but home. Plush Palace – 22 June 78 – 3 PM Second double this week. I hate them but I need $80 for typewriter, $300 to pay back A, $100 to quiet the utilities people, $200 Burnside Inn and at least $200 “Mad Money”. You know, in case I gomad. It could happen, especially the way things are going. Need extra cash for Vacation, which I approach as if it were a Sacrament. Secairegets written NEVER under this regime. Oh well. Yesterday cleaned house, walked dogs, cooked fish stew. We read family letters, then went out to see A Different Story. Both liked it enormously.
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