Starlight 2:30 PM Sat 31 Mar 79
Hot day – sun behind clouds – the sky is violet and the air intense - looks like rain, but I’m overflowing with joy and luck and good fortune. Just ate an enormous chef’s salad and two cups of coffee. All I needed for returned confidence was one big tipper and a non-suicidal letter from Devon. (He’s been depressed, is all.) Obviously it will never work out between us. We would be in competition each trying to get the other to play caretaker. I need too damn much care. It would be madness. Discuss this over vod & tons with Avril. Invited back to Mulberry Island, also got a card to the Bullets opening (which I would rather do.) Reading The World, the Flesh and Father Smith. Dancing very well – what a pity I’m “sculpting in snow”. Feeling in tune is a clear lens to the soul. 9PM Tues 3 Apr 79 Buying spree with A. Bought a pile of silk shirts and a satin whipcord coat & skirt (black). Immortal piece I should still be wearing thirty years from now. We had a lovely lunch at Third Edition – reminiscing about our lovers’ bodies – what we treasure most – I vote for the flock of milky-white scars above Devon’s buttocks. Aaah. Intimations of glorious, irreproducible mortality. I am also irate at not hearing from Usher and even more irate at myself for being irate. He is obviously a no go so what’s wrong with me? I think I may be like those explorers expiring for lack of vitamin C. Need to force myself to eat raw blubber just to save my life. It’s a wonder anyone survives. Reading 3rdvol David Garnett’s autobiog – what an unlikeable human being. Car pooped out on us will cost $250 to fix. Starlight 9:15 PM Wed 4 Apr 79 I hate wasted days. Drove all the way to White Flint Mall to pick up my rhinestone glasses – a pin broke on them – and all the way back. Grrr. Not liking Robt Frost’s letters and Christina Stead’s House of Nationsis even harder to get into. But things looking up on diet front. Fewer binges. 5 days of rain, and a power mogul in the audience who keeps instructing me on how to please him. I curtsy down to the floor very gracefully and pretend I don’t speak English. Starlight 8:25 PM Sun 8 Apr 79 Burst of freedom rescues me from inertia. My best moments are intense enjoyment of the present: must write and examine everything. Revel in my own growth – including comprehension that Usher Glayne can’t be my crutch. Lost 4 lbs eating apples and feel good – refuse to take a guy’s tip because he licked his lips at me. Yuck. J came into the bar last night, dragging his shame-filled self across the floor. I couldn’t resist suggesting he come home with me – he was so excited – love poured out of him like a dizzying force. I browsed greedily on his beautiful body. It was like plugging into an electric current. He moaned, “You’re so good to me” but when my orgasm came it was just a little pop – uncorking a bottle of stale champagne. So goodbye to all that. Masturbation is really a lot less trouble. Out to China Syndromemovie tomorrow with Avril. John Middleton Murray is a blubberer. Usher sent me a poem entitled “I dream of starting off with you” which was obviously notwritten for me. Took her name out and slammed my name in. What could go wrong? What a pity we leave choice up to men when they so clearly have no idea what they are doing. 3:30 PM – Dumbarton Oaks – Sat 14 Apr 79 Enjoying a day of full sun. Beautiful carved stone bench – azaleas- peace. Woke up determined to finish taxes – offices closed! When can people go if they work all week? Beas me. But it would take more than a late filing to bother me – feel blissful. Approaching Plath from the question of her reputation. Determined to write and to learn to see movies alone. Last night awful sets with Z – he couldn’t seem to play and sang offkey. Promises of a future have taken his present away. My heart went out to him – ordered a bottle of champagne to cheer him up. Late dinner – I ordered tripe in a spirit of adventure (not good) he ordered what he always has chicken & fries. He told me about the times he’s been mugged and his belief in magic – I didn’t believe any of it. He was full of insecurities about G – I decided to act like we had a relationship to make it easier to get rid of Z sexually later on. He “retaliated” by describing his affair with his friend’s 48 yr old divorced mother back on the coast. Bought drugs for famous Sat Night Live personalities. Sure, sure. Screwed an anonymous black girl coming back on the train (she specifically complimented his penis.) Asked to come home with me. I said no. Plush Palace – Mon 23Apr 11PM God Malcolm Muggeridge is unpleasant (Jesus Rediscovered) and not even Christian. Makes Waugh look like the author of Sermon on the Mount. Trying to figure out how to address God: what would I say? Beautiful note from Devon saying “I love you dearly”. Sweet. The silenter I am the more he adores me. Sent a copy of my Plath essay to Usher – we’ll see what he says. Agent passed along a very flattering rejection on Gift– I am “too much” of a poet! Since I have just concluded I am no poet at all this cheered me up. Airborne today – dancing really well. It’s the fasting. Feel a shimmering force field all around me. Starlight – 12:45 AM – Thurs 25 Apr 79 Dragging myself around this AM – my own fault for indulging in Irish coffee and caramel ice cream last night. 2ndanniversary party at the radio station and I thought, That might be fun! It was a disaster. I took Avril and we were immediately cornered by the club bore. (I had to give him a fake phone no just to get rid of him.) Plus they charged us for our drinks! Rod was there – tight and prim – fearful I would attack him about his nonexistent dance article - I put him at his ease. Left after an hour and Avril and I “drowned our disappointment” in the usual way (it felt good at the time.) Ross & Tomshould be required reading for egomaniacs.
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