5:30 PM – Tues Oct 4 – 82
Lost my diary in all the room changing so this will have to do. Conv w/ M & D who seem to be realizing The Curse is lifted – they said I'd be a failure if I lived my own way and I’m not, also I’d be lonely and I’m not. I have to commit myself to this house and its scary. Were here for God Knows How Long. T says I have to Act Like I Own It and make believe I own it. Change my attitude and presto! I argue we are caretakers. Worry about T’s denial. At least our new study is beautiful. With a fold down couch it can be converted to a guest room. I am relying on working there to get me out of a dead patch. Just finished reading the Marycliff College catalog – little Sisters of Mercy college run by adventuresome nuns where Dr James teaches. I want to take everything. Move my Fordham “credit” over. I need to find someone whose arms I can fall into sobbing. There’s got to be someone! I hunger to write about ordinary people but who are they? Don’t want to be cynical. Tried explaining my religious feeling to T – he is utterly uncomprehending. When I ask for support he says “I can’t lie to you.” I feel he would be prouder of me as a low level editor at a publishing firm on the verge of collapse than being who I am and doing what I’m doing. In the absence of support I write letters. Good letter from Pansy – perhaps she will be my correspondent. Then clean. Good! I am strong again! 11 AM Wed 6 Oct 82 Unfortunately T is very slow. I cycle through all the changes much more rapidly than he does. Except getting over a fight. That takes me longer patiently building my house of cards once again. I’ve given up trying to get him to see that working with his Mom and having her for a landlord is a terrible idea. He just starts berating himself and its downhill from there. Tell him its not the poverty – I have groceries, a roof over my head and 20 hrs childcare a week. Panic attacks to be avoided: they are immobilizing. I almost regret sitting down – waves of exhaustion sweep over me. 9:45 AM 7 Oct 82 I don’t have dark nights of the soul: for me its dark mornings. Can’t imagine working on Issue of Blood. Not until it “lives” inside me. So sending out typing cards to lawyers etc praying they respond. Seeking a modus vivendi. Eliz. Friar Wms spoke truth when she said overeaters overeat IN ORDER TO FOCUS THEIR ANXIETY. Women in particular suffer from endless onslaughts of untackle-able anxiety. It just comes at you from everywhere. “Restraint” and “constraint” as the major female virtues overwhelm everybody. Facilitate others. My gift for writing saved me. 11 PM– 2 glasses of wine with dinner is one glass too many. Makes me long for sugar. T & I combat this with sex. Then wasted an evening reading Agatha Christie’s play Verdict – should have been a Westmacott – one of those “what if” ideas. Then a book on addictive drinking which was somewhat more help. Says when you take away the crutch you are going to fall down. House still disrupted – tomorrow I’m really going to finish. Take it one day at a time trying to get all the richness out. Unbroken trains of thought – and love – are what I most value. Now that Shane is older he’s less of a savage – we’re starting to have meals as a family. Expect my life to revolve around kids till I’m 50 – then I can have my next crisis! 9;00 AM Sun 10 Oct 82 Baby asleep after a bottle. After a very successful dinner party last night complete with blueberry muffins, too much wine & cheesecake I’m back on my diet. We enjoyed the Goldbergs so much and intend to invite them to the farm. T. treats me a little strangely in company – talking about how sexy I was as a teenager. Almost as if there isn’t anything to say about me now. House finally clean and orderly except for the kitchen which I can do today. January is so close – S 14mos old – I will take only 1 class so I can “sniff around” and “get the feel”. Tomorrow I get to restart my novel. Not writing causes depression. 1 pm Mon 11 oct 82 It’s freezing but my cold is in it last stages so the hell with it. T will connect up the heating tonight. Feeling happy & fulfilled. This is the place I wanted to be in a week ago. Sat at my desk for a long time this AM smoking a cigar and thinking about my novel. It’s going to be good. Idea # 1: “The choice of a husband is the choice of a self.” Create something new from the rubble of a dead tradition. Problem #1 was reading dreck. Don’t do it even when editors encourage. Reading Raymond Chandler instead – now there’s a writer. He wanted to write about corruption which he despised – put him in a permanent quandary. I want to write about sex & families. Feeling rejected by the male/female nexus, longing for it, defensive of it all at once. Need to let my agent go – she is doing nothing for me. Actually enjoyed Eladell’s Lion in the Way even though it shirked every one of its fences. 4 PM – Sweet baby asleep after vigorous morning’s play. I got a 20 min nap too. Control my time: plan to sit at my desk after T & S leave for swim class. M & D attack the idea of a Catholic college – I say all roads lead one place only – to the meaning & purpose of existence. The baby & I will bicycle to the store as soon as he wakes up _ I swear its warmer outside than in. Then play & dinner – must eat early because of swim class. Thinking about Shirley Jackson – how would she have evolved if a steady diet of coffee, cigarettes, brownies & phobias hadn’t killed her?
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Alysse Aallyn
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