Sun. 18 Mar 1:50 PM.
Terrible nightmare about Usher Glayne. His face melted showing the skull underneath – two hideous holes of darkness. The world is fierce, cruel, we are all hobbled. Wake to astonishingly gorgeous day. Worked on Erin– cleaning away deadwood - it’s only going to be 30,000 words but the hell with it. Can’t “produce” to “compete”. Want to find the intrinsic shape buried within. The secret meaning. Letting it speak for itself makes me happy. Adoring Pilgrim at Tinker Creek. (Wish I had written it.) Then it’s off to the library á la bicyclette for more theology books. Obviously I should worry more about Success and the fact that I’m dirt poor. But I have arranged my life so carefully to do exactly what I want. Seems a shame to ruin it now. 12:30 PM Mon 19 Mar 78 It’s a problem that I don’t like Usher’s poetry. At least he talks about sperm and chastity so presumably is not yet dead from the waist down. He’s successful and I am not, so criticism from me sounds like sour grapes. I call to thank him for the books; a woman who is probably his wife answers. Should I be embarrassed? We are not having A Thing. Out in the yard with dogs trying to read Teilhard de Chardin. Hot sun. Café Rabelais, Wed 21 Mar 79 3:25 PM Pleasant 3 hr lunch with Usher discussing literature – he had to run away leaving me with my coffee. Tried to get me to pretend to date his friend who is wheelchair bound. I have a feeling this was the whole point of the lunch. I want to talk about literature, he wants to give me away to his friends. I said No. But couldn’t I just make nice? I said no. I’m not that kind of nice. I took revenge by asking if he lives with his wife. He said “sort of”. Their child is “a problem”. No one can write within a mile of this child. (Poor wife. Luckily for him, her psyche doesn’t matter!) Usher seemed taken aback by my questions so maybe I won’t hear from him again. Good lunch, though. Very cuisine minceur – lots of different dishes and you don’t feel full afterwards. (Rabelais would have been very disappointed.) I top off my coffee with a glass of blond chartreuse. At the Phillips I saw a Goya that made me want to burst into tears. Note to self: reorganize Courtney entirely around paintings. But which artist would be perfect for my anti-heroine? 4:20 PM Thurs 22 Mar 79 Today a model for what all days should be. I’ve passed unscathed through the financial hysteria of closing, even have money in the bank. Sparkling weather; spring is definitely here. A day of sunbathing – the first are always the worst – skin a white blubbery mass. Reading Kroll’s book on Plath – gives one furiously to think. She wants to find everything in the poems themselves – and of course – that’s exactly where it all is. Plath controlled by potency symbols. I am sick of Devon’s letters – he must “shield his eyes” against my radiance”. Come on. I can’t believe he doesn’t want exactly the life he’s got. Always hard for me to believe that one can reject the sprinkles, the cherries, the walnuts on the sundae. My family always lectured me for being attention-seeking and voracious – so it makes me shy to advance myself into anyone’s purview. Plath seemed prepared to be loved for her accomplishments rather than her being – a scary compromise. Although I do recognize that I am trying to experience my own “wholeness” through the eyes of another with all the danger that implies. Trying to kick my sugar cravings. 11:30 AM Fri 23 Mar 79 More sunbathing – my own skin smells intoxicating to me. Like pool water, like beach sand, like childhood. Dixie – “God’s lioness” stretches out beside me, wind ruffling her fur. Unexpected tear sheets in the mail from Usher – his reviews of Plath. He says he didn’t think it “professional” to disclose that he knew her – that seems unprofessional to me. Makes his comments seem underhanded: pale. He says diplomatically of my poetry that I’m a “rare being.” Hmmm. 11:40 AM Mon 26 Mar 79 Ezra Pound’s last years (Nigel Stock) make very depressing reading. I wish “survivors” seemed more enviable, considering the alternative is Death at the Height of Glory. The good news about a long life is, you can accumulate quite a body of work – the bad news is your instrument is increasingly deranged. Bad schedule this week – 5 shifts including one double. Present of $2500 “house gift” from Dad means I don’t need to accept but I would have to quit and I’m not ready. These are the best places to dance with the best managers – I don’t want to get thrown into some of the compromising situations I’ve heard tell of. Plus they just let me up and leave for vacation whenever I want. Can’t play that hole card too often. Spent all day wandering the mazes of literature – look at Lillian Hellman – surely she’s getting very bizarre. She’s a “history fixer” and no one wants artists doing that. 3:20 PM Tues 27 Mar 79 A bad day doesn’t make a bad week thank God. Got drunk with Maureen last night, (too much sherry in our tea) but with careful diet and lots of sleep I bounce back. Anne Lindbergh’s Flower & Nettlea great improvement on previous volumes. Tantalized by Rosamond Lehmann, who ought to be my next project. I AM HAVING ALL MY HAIR CUT OFF MAY 1!!! Starlight 8:30 PM Thurs 29 Mar 79 Joselle plies me with Chablis – I succumb to get her to spill her secrets – but her secret seems to be she’s thinking of turning lesbian and her gaze on me seems somewhat fixed. Or am I imagining things? Two glasses of wine on an empty stomach and I’m a goner. God knows I long for the flesh – those “brown motherly furrows” as Plath calls them are in need of plowing. Would I have to exclaim over her body the way men exclaim over me? It just doesn’t sound fun. If only she were less female. More boyish. Order a cheeseburger to snap myself back to reality. This is a dangerous world to be hungry in. Reading Randall Jarrell’s Third Book of Criticism. I enjoy him enormously. 11PM– Shank of the evening. I am dancing superbly but tips very bad. The approach of tax time or are they simply seeing too much of me? The latter, no doubt. Went to the health club today but I won’t renew when my experimental month is up. I was seduced by their sauna and masseur but need something closer to home.
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Alysse Aallyn
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