1PM Fr. 5 Aug 77
Woke up feeling so lousy made myself soup. Swimming and coffee did make me feel better. Read Margaret Millar’s Listening Walls – first half superb. Ruthless abuse of detective conventions – she misleads us left and right. The character of the Author that is built up is that of a viciously uncaring person. Orwell’s war years dull. 8PM Sat 6 Aug 77 Be careful what you want in case you get it. D and I are suddenly in the midst of a very satisfying love affair. He called 5:30 yesterday – wish it had been earlier because I was in a psychic tailspin. Immediately tidied the place up, anointed my body, put on my black silk jumpsuit exploding with roses (last worn on date with R.) He came in wearing tight jeans and a linen safari jacket – we had a very silly time over wine. Christ he can look beautiful when he wants to. Out to a restaurant – I ordered a “flaming volcano” and they had it! More silliness. D. said, “Going out with you is an experience.” He couldn’t compliment me enough on my beauty (heh heh heh.) We saw The Deep which was just what we both wanted – titillating glossy glop. D. kept initiating PDA’s (which he never used to be able to do. Wow has this guy grown up! He used to act like the Amherst PDA Police were everywhere! He suggested we go to bed! No loitering on couch! Sexually he has all the time in the world and he’s all out for my pleasure – his orgasm of no importance. He’s particularly good with my ass and I LOVE that. (He treats every sphincter like another pair of lips – I’m in a threesome with myself!) I always felt like he was “holding back” – not any more. Tendernesses and confidences growing. Nice to be loved! He goes on and on about the beauty & sensuality of my body; my sexuality “like a storm!” Sun 12:30 PM Deck 7 Aug 77 Sitting over coffee, grits (to which Mrs. McManus has now addicted me) and Dorothy Eden. (The Sleeping Bride – very good!) Praying like mad for writing money. I could afford to get a divorce! Lucky things worked out the way they did – keeps me from obsessing over R. Bike ride! It’s a form of prayer. 6Pm Hammering away – great scene – getting the good stuff – typewriter ribbon gave out! Come on! At 6 PM!! It’s like having your horse shot out from under you. I was going to spend the evening writing Goddamit. Starting to worry about R coming back from the Finger Lakes – he knows where I am – would he show up here? Aack! No! Impossible. He can’t be alone. Wouldn’t drive that distance without a captive ear. Reading Jane Aiken’s study of Jane Austen. Don’t feel a moment’s anxiety about D. Mon 8 Aug 77 3 PM On deck loving the rising wind, reading The Scalpel of Scotland Yard (Spilsbury). A perfect day. Trapped here for a few hours till the man shows up to fix trash masher – but at least I got my “naked exercises” out of the way. Today’s a scorcher – using airconditioning for the first time. Cheated on my diet – ate a whole can of tuna. Packed in water, fortunately. Body screaming for peaches and almonds. Gutted the Pevensey library. They are running out of books for me. 12:45 PM Tues Aug 9 - 77 Coming out of my coma to write agent a note. After 3 months of not being “pushy” surely SOMETHING should be happening. I decide I am suffering from a disease that should be called “Dickensitis” marked by severe self consciousness and complicated by “Plath syndrome” (brutal social induction flashbacks). Freezes me in my path. Loving Solzhenitsyn’s article on Shakespeare & Tolstoy. Do I love Devon? Before all of this I would have said yes, very casually but sometimes the better you get to know someone the less you can love them. He was at pains to explain his theology – but it doesn’t seem to involve God – it’s all interpersonal relations – which I have to say I think is just weird! He wants to be “of service” to people and he’s aware – but suspicious about – the “mysticism” athletes get into. I hate to say this but it reminds me of my mother. Any “be wary of people who have an inner life and try your best to get rid of yours” philosophy is a major turnoff for me. When we talk about “self perfection” and “self cultivation” we are talking about VERY different things. I casually told him the more I get to know him the less I know him – and he was very pleased! (Relieved.) He didn’t say why but I know he doesn’t want to be “easy”. I didn’t tell him he’s still held fast in Sleeping Beauty’s overgrown castle, in my opinion. Don’t think I can get him out of there. I always try to plan my strategy if he tried taking the relationship up a notch. But he can’t suggest we live together while he’s a divinity student. Think I can relax about it and just enjoy his magnificent body. Take, eat. Old wounds between us are entirely healed. If D is stuck in SB’s castle, where is R? He is unborn, a baby dreaming in the womb. “When I grow up I’m going to have lots and LOTS of girlfriends but they will all be PERFECTLY RESPECTABLE and SEXUALLY DYNAMIC when I say so!” I regret most working so hard to make him “certain” of me, to make sure he knew exactly what I was thinking and feeling. I put my cards not only face-up on the table, I handed them to the guy! Not many people would be mature enough to handle that. Never discuss what I am feeling with D – haven’t mentioned R after our preliminary intros “what have you been up to”. I’m not sure he even knows how I make money in Washington. 8:45 AM Wed 10 Aug 77 Like the alcoholics say, one day at a time! Exercises, diet, sunbathe, bike ride, swim, etc. Doing a good job at that – horrible job at writing – because I don’t hear from agent. Confidence completely collapsed. Sitting on the deck feeding Ms. McManus’ Caesar salad croutons to a squirrel. He really likes them. Reading Berckmann’s A Thing That Happens To You. Finished Thalberg’s bio – ho hum. No swimming – maybe bike ride in the rain (just a misting).
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Alysse Aallyn
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