3:30 PM 11 Aug 77 - Thurs
Depressing letter from Chloe – she wants my help with her MSS. I agree with Henry James – all I can do is My Thing My Way. But I have to seem really approachable if I want radio work. Conundrum. Catatonia. Devon called. Do I want to get laid? I think so! Sat. 13 Aug 77 7 good pages writing, then bad letter from R. asking is our “living together” a ”condition” of “my return”? Where the hell did he get that? He just wants something to react against. He can’t imagine a relationship that isn’t controlled by implied threats. He believes in working and suffering so much then – let him work and suffer. What would annoy him most? If I don’t respond! Ha ha! Let the panic begin! Need to become more private – simply to protect myself. For all I know he’s relishing the torture he goes through. Devon and I had a glorious date – splendid dinner (steak!) then made love all over the floor. He played with my body until he got it roaring and pulsating like an express train. The way he handled me, gripped me, held me, crushed me even – made me ask about his other girlfriends. He said no, he never gets as much “touch” as he wants. I said, “Except with me”. He said, “Except with you.” Over dinner he said matter-of-factly that we are so alike loving me has always felt “narcissistic” to him. I bet! Happy, happy, happy… Picked up The Edwardians but I can’t get into it. Keep seeing Devon’s body plying me, bending me…I know somewhere out there lies perfect happiness, waiting to mug me. 2PM Sun 14 Aug 77 Sitting on the deck even though it’s just about to rain, back from long bike ride watching family barbecues. Will I ever have children? I feel so exactly balanced between R and D like a ball in the air – but could fall at any moment. Finished The Edwardians – made me long to read Trollope. Vita Sackville-West’s work is like a death wish. Maybe Pevensey Library can rise to some Trollope. Downy woodpecker 2 ft away. Finished The Dark Island! An outrageous howl of self-pity! Mom & Dad called all worried about Avril. She & Mason had to borrow money after selling $4500 worth of stock in June! Dad wants to deal financially with Mason instead of his own daughter! I was cool and stayed out of it. I don’t even want to imagine what they say to the others about me. I sent A a letter that said I would buy her a round trip plane ticket any time she wanted – even for just a short visit. Talk about work and suffering! I’m sure she feels stuck in every way with this guy. Down to a dinner of bouillon & smoked oysters. Tues 16 Aug 77 D’s & my relationship “plateaus.” Each of us may have given all we can spare. At least there’s no Mutual Punishment. Woman tried to get me into conversation at mailboxes – she’s an accountant whose boyfriend works on missiles. God they both sounded like the dullest people imaginable. Tried not to blanche. 6:00 PM Couldn’t resist $10 phone call to Avril. She’s hanging in there but doesn’t like Calif so far. She’s not going to school because Mason thinks he ought to be able to pay for it! So, so sick after using her money to live on. She’s looking for some clerk job. Still thinks this guy might be The One, even though sex is once a week and she’s not satisfied. After that I called Devon who should be back from psychomotor class but he wasn’t in. Midnight – Could get psychotic about D not returning my call – however I refuse. Let the poor man live. He lacks time for an ACTUAL other girl (although I know there are plenty of letters & phone calls with girls he cultivates.) 10AM – Wed 17 Aug 77 Devon woke me up in the middle of the night, wondering if I was “psychic”. He’d had a horrible day – had to take a “pregnant friend” to the clinic for abortion (not his kid.) This is a new one. Can’t imagine him lying about something so bizarre – I didn’t ask for details – just told him I had a “sudden impulse” (true). Called the bank – my money was in but only $987 (it’s never as much as you expect.) From shit comes flowers, as they say. Called Marc Kramer and left message whether I can hitch a ride to Maine with him (he goes almost every weekend). Finished Life of Waugh. Cramps. Sat 20 Aug 77 Poor Devon! He brought pizza and a very good brandy (too good – drinking it woke me up in the middle of the night) suggested a movie. I said I wanted to Talk. Told him all about my week; everything, novel, phone call with Avril, breaking up (mentally) with R because I “realized there’s another way”. Felt it was time to share. He asked if it had anything to do with him I said it did but he shouldn’t panic – it’s a good thing. He asked did I want to know about other girls? I said yes. Would I be jealous? Maybe – but it wouldn’t impact on him. He talked about his friend who had the abortion – she’s ready to take him on but his feelings for her are “clinical”. (Uh oh. She’s in trouble. He could be lying to me about Who’s the Daddy or lying to himself, most like.) She’s 2 yrs older than him. Then there’s a girl he met on the train – they’re just friends so far so he doesn’t know her well – but he’s curious. Then there’s the English girl – he definitely wants to bring her over but neither of them can afford it so far. He seems to have a sex/romance dichotomy going so I’m not jealous exactly – it would be like being jealous of someone’s fantasies. However it doesn’t make me respect him more. And he instinctively knows that – he can’t be the daring demon lover or swaggering ski coach with me when I know too much about him. Fortunately I suggested we bring the mattress up to the deck – we had a big, hilarious struggle through the house but it was worth it. Wonderful making love in the fresh night. He can’t believe girls like giving blow jobs – I said, do you mean you don’t like going down on me? He said, no, no, no I LOVE it you are like a flower. I said see? Depends on the person. Gave him the full treatment making him yelp like a coyote. Cold in the AM like Maine – hard to get out of bed but he was worried someone would see us so we had to push mattress through sliding doors to dining room floor at 6 AM. Layers of secret lives! He is SO DIFFERENT from the way he seems but aren’t we all! Drove to the Idyllwild Mkt for breakfast – got lost as least six times but who cares it’s a glorious day – bought peaches, blueberries and mocha java beans. Then we went swimming – stopping after at the mailbox. Rejection of Secaire from HBJ! What a blow and in front of Devon of all people! Worst of all was editor’s comment – I had fallen between 2 stools – “straight” and “gothic.” Ugh. Lowers my opinion of myself in my own eyes. Fortunately I didn’t cry. Devon did his best to comfort me. He compares it to skiing which is 4,000 failures to one success. Said it’s ridiculous to consider myself a failure. I thanked him said he really cheered me up – he said it made him look forward to ministry!!! (He can’t wait to get his hands on some “troubled young women”.) He’s going to a 3 day retreat at Peterborough. Period coming on. It doesn’t faze D. Reading Harold Nicolson’s diaries which are quite a treat. I was afraid he would be all Churchillian.
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Alysse Aallyn
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