10:40 AM Wed 22 Sept. 76
Woke up after horrible nightmare in which Jacqueline Susann showed me her cancer to have R drive me to the station. We’re in a financial nightmare – A’s rent check bounced twice so expenses going up. R says I have to start an exercise plan – since I can’t dance. He’s hilarious! Lunch with Ruby and my agent. Agent (Ruth) was euphoric. Starting to feel the book was written by a stranger. I tried so hard to make it English and Victorian – I NEVER want to do that again. Can’t say THAT, obviously, especially after Ruby remarked I was “so good looking we should make it a series.” Devlyn’s best gothic they’ve ever read! They both drank heavily while disagreeing with virtually everything I had to say about poetry and literature. Their recommendation: write a love story. Pity we don’t know what love is, isn’t it? I MIGHT be able to manage a sex story. Oh well. Genevieve full of secret divorce-and-getting-together-with-hush-hush-sweetie plans. Don’t tell Kent anything. He asks me what’s going on – I play dumb but not too well. He must know something’s up. Awkward! Walk to library and back thinking about St. Secaire. How make that a love story? Everyone’s a predator or an idiot. Fri. 24 Sept 76 Checked my acct - $54!! Don’t know where it came from but I will spend it. Sent poems to Chloe Aparo, borrow bike from Shoulders. Ryder wants to go horseback riding, we went to see The Tenant instead. (Cheaper). R managed to discuss it intelligently. Trying to research the occult for Secaire. Reading bad suspense novel – Geoffrey Turtons Devil’s Churchyard. I liked all his other books. Dump it for Aleister Crowley’s Diary of a Drug Fiend. $10 to live on for 2 weeks. Mom & Dad sent emergency check. 6:25 PM – Sun 3 Oct 76 Fabulous dinner party last night. Steak tartare, crab and cheese casserole, lots of wine. R and I fall asleep in each other’s arms. We have more sex “broken up” than when we were dating. Got offered $3.50 an hour for 4 hr a day legal secretary!!! Out of their minds. Trying to sell my wedding dress for $150 – got one porno call. Tues 5 Oct 76 4pm appt with Environmental Defense Fund. Howard Nemerov such a relief after Auden. Thurs 11:30 PM 7 Oct 76 Typical Tyler St evening. Lying in bed (alone) powdered and polished from bath. Maeve and Avril out on dates. R is working, I’m reading Quest for Theseus. Got too depressed reading Shirley Jackson. Her life solutions: food and cigarettes – plenty of both. Lost EDF job – as soon as they turned me down I decide I want it! To WTTG to apply for “production asst” job – 200 people spilling into street! Didn’t bother. How write about love if it’s impossible? I owe Maeve money – she doesn’t like it and I don’t like it. Tension almost unbearable waiting for my check. R offered jobs in Pittsburgh & Detroit. (He says he doesn’t ever want to leave though it’s the only way to make more $$.) 12:55 PM Wed 13 1976 These are the times that try women’s souls. Desperately accepted switchboard job at Broadcasters Agency because it looks easy and I can think my own thoughts. Replacing a girl going on maternity leave so I’m not stuck if I don’t like it. Agent sent check told me not to cash it for a week!!! Thinking they’re all scam artists. Reading Diane Johnson’s brilliant Lesser Lives. Avril depressed over Mason. Maeve depressed over George. I am buying diet pills because of sedentary job. Switchboard Broadcast Agency 9:15 AM – Fr. 18 Feb 77 New notebooks such a thrill. Always a fresh start: I could almost become anyone. Worked 3 full days this week – more $$ in the coffers. Avril coming in to Broadcasters Agency to apply for Zelma’s old job - $8500/yr for 7 hr day. Hope she gets it. Brought in The Voyage Out today – I WILL finish it – bring it to its knees. Perfect example of everything usually wrong with first novels. Don’t like her novels as much as letters and diaries. Talk about peering through a glass darkly. Oh well. Still drinking coffee and picking the fuzz out of my eyes. Period’s arrived with its usual exquisite timing. Once I’ve finished Secaire (needs a final burst) can rewrite Find Courtney.
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Alysse Aallyn
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