8:00 AM Iceland time 9:00 AM Luxembourg time – 4:00 AM New York Time – aboard Loftleidir rattling over Atlantic – Tues 23 July 68
Misery is an ill-designed aircraft. Though it beats Iberian, there is still no position in which sleep is possible. The seats are carefully placed against the windows so you can’t look out – the current of breathable air is not strong enough, you have to be a one-legged hunchback to use the johns, which can only be closed from the outside. It’s a riot. They claim they haven’t “lost a plane” in 15 years. Nothing said about Poor Us. Bought a sink at the Gare – and I really transformed myself. This is now the shortest garment I’ve ever owned but what the hell. Beales would have had cardiac arrest (and Miss Wormrest is whirling in her Living Grave.) Took Sominex but I was just pursued by confusing dreams in which Toss turned into Albert Rogers for whom I feel no passion. They woke me up to give me dinner. We landed in Iceland 4:00 AM Lux time and wandered around the airport like Lost Souls. I wanted a floor-length white sheepskin dress but alas do not have the ready cash. C’est la vie. StormFall Farm – Berkshires - 1:00 AM -28 July 1968 Toss loves Alysse, Alysse loves Toss. Toss is both handsome & beautiful. Everything suddenly seems so simple. I feel happy and complete when I am with him. Who else can I say this about. Unfortunately he has Parents. They seem determined to keep us apart. Why do people do that? His mother takes it for granted that I’m on a quest to Ruin His Life. Toss spends all his time taking pictures for his portfolio (I’m so proud of him) and his father’s painting landscapes at the dam. I spend all my time with his Mom being subjected to Culinary Abuse. This is not the way I pictured things. You should have seen me buying Emko foam. Took it home, unwrapped it and discovered it was a “refill”. A refill! Now they tell me! Plus the instructions are so unclear. Has to be reapplied every time there’s “physical contact”. What I need to know is, when does it wear off? Because there’s LOTS and LOTS of physical contact (Bless Toss’ heart.) We’d be roiling in foam if it was up to these people. Couldn’t find an applicator anywhere. Do you have to ask for them? It’s all so weird. Finally bought Perceptin, which has an applicator and at least refers to sexual intercourse. The completed kind, I’m guessing. They didn’t act like they’re talking to teenagers, which is a problem. Pewter Hill – Wed 31 July 1968 – 8:30 AM God I feel rotten. Sitting in bed surrounded by miles of bloody sheets. I guess I’m not a virgin anymore, but nobody climaxed – in fact I screamed it hurt so bad. I tried not to. He kissed and kissed my face and said, “Just lie still.” I think that’s the advice Queen Victoria used to give. When he started again it was just as bad – like I was having a hole torn in me. (Deep inside). He stopped immediately and I just lay in his arms. He was very sweet but now there’s all this blood. “Why does It have to be this way?” I grumped. “Women are faultily constructed.” “Guaranteed sterile till seal is broken,” said Toss. At six-thirty AM he began to dress – he had to sneak back home so his parents wouldn’t know he was out all night. I begged him not to go – he promised to come back. He stood there so handsome in his yellow shirt with his gorgeous face – went down to start the tea. I climbed into the bath but the water got all pink. Unfortunately they’ve turned off the hot water but I thought cold water might be better anyway – no dice. It doesn’t seem to be stopping. I mean, there’s only so much blood in the whole human body. It has to stop at some point. Put on three pairs of underpants, a towel and a white fuzzy robe and looked the opposite of desirable, I can assure you. Blood literally poured down my legs and hunks of liver fell out. How is this even possible? He promised to borrow a car from the neighbor and come back for me (he still doesn’t have his license.) Tampax doesn’t do a thing. I think we’re going to have to throw these sheets away. It can’t be this way for everybody. Had such a good day yesterday. Was up till 4:00 am cleaning my room, cataloguing my writings, putting up posters and unpacking my trunk. Called Genevieve to wish her happy anniversary a week late. T. phoned, saying he’d come for “midnight supper”. We had hamburgers, wrestled and got very excited. I said I was ready if he was ready but things didn’t go well. The Perceptin was the easy part. Our plan was to go to Maine but with my parents coming home this weekend we’re going to have to clean this place as soon as I recover. Trying to focus on the good memories – me and Toss lying in the purple Massachusetts thyme, or sharing a pint of ice cream on a crowded commuter train. Licking each other’s hands and faces. Might try to boil water and have a real bath.
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