10:40 AM Thurs 26 Aug –76 – Club Shalimar Yesterday morning Maeve and I lingering over coffee and chat – no one wanting to return to their life – and the phone rang. It was editor Ruby Jenkins at Pyramid wanting to make an offer on my book. She says it has a lot of wit and depth and is really extraordinary and if they don’t take it someone else will. Two editors on my side. Asked all about me – so I told what I was doing, schools, what I’d had published – that Harcourt just turned down Find Courtney. She’d called Maine because she couldn’t get in touch with my agent but left a message. I just put the phone down and screamed for 20 solid minutes. Then went to Shalimar and quit – gave them a week’s notice. Didn’t tell them about book – Carmen guessed about Ryder – narrowed her eyes into slits and tried to tell me a lot of terrible stuff about him, about how he always pursued dancers – although she admits, after me, not any more. She said if I ever need the job again, they’d give it to me. That was nice. Randy the bouncer had tears in his eyes because he says I’m so amusing and no one else can make him laugh. R’s “celebration” was to take me to Garfinckel’s at the Montgomery Mall to buy me underwear. He takes it strangely personally that I don’t wear a bra or underpants half the time. This could have been a fun, even erotic experience but he was so weird I almost had a nervous breakdown – so bizarrely controlling like he doesn’t know what presents are. The missionary purchasing fig leaves for the natives! Felt offensively “managed”. If he had bought me lingerie and given it to me that would have been one thing. I could take them back if I didn’t like them. This was if he were my parent or something – I really can’t explain why it was so insulting. I let him buy me a pink silk robe, which I refused to try on – of course it will fit. Duh. We should have been celebrating. Not only can I quit dancing but they’ve put him on the eleven pm news and now we could have mornings together. But at the Japanese steakhouse he really acted wooden headed. I think it’s some sort of a gender problem – men understand that their self-respect is tied up with autonomy but they seem to think the opposite must be true about women. I’m trying too hard not to despise him. Anything I could say sounds hurtful. At the very same time he’s trying to “tether” me he’s trying to free himself. He said, what if I want to take another girl out? And I said, well you can but you have to tell me about it before hand. He said, I know how I’d feel if you said that to me. I told him he probably doesn’t have to worry – I can’t imagine wanting another man. Now he’s “scared” I’m going to become a famous writer! So we went back to my place and made love for three hours and it was very satisfying. He was all over me and it felt like the last time in some critical way. To me he seems less like a man getting out of a marriage than some kind of shipwreck victim who has never seen or imagined our society and is becoming increasingly excited about the sexually liberated possibilities. How can we avoid breaking up over this? Can’t I just get a fat check from my book and be a young writer about town? I sincerely hope that’s the way it will go. Reading Rose, my years in Service about Lady Astor’s maid. Sat 28 Aug 76 Shalimar Ryder tried to pressure me not to go to work by saying “we shouldn’t be seeing each other”. I remind him we have a dinner party coming up and a vacation in Maine! Why the hysteria? Reading Henri Peyre’s The Failures of Criticism. Last set. 3PM Mon 30 Aug 76 Wakened by air-conditioner going on – Ryder climbing in bed with me fully clothed so there would be “no sex” – of course that didn’t work. He is very upset about my sense of physical freedom – said wouldn’t “let” me be painted in the nude by Andrew Wyeth! I pointed out that his wife was his ideal woman – totally restrained and untrained and ignorant and unavailable in every way he wanted – and he hated it. Can’t understand why he has to be such a jackass when all his dreams are coming true.
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Alysse Aallyn
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