2:30 PM Wed July 27 – 77
Masturbation is the better part of valor. Don’t make decisions ruled by sex. Husband my wattage (joke). Too bad sex is such a fast way to get to know someone. First draft of Demon so far bony and spare. Neatly boxed “components” = “write your own novel”. Trying to exterminate “dead” patches. Wish I had done this with The Mass at St. Secaire – but in those days I was in the “throw in everything you think of and take it out later” school. I like constructing this awkward armature better. Lean and mean superior to flagellate and winnow. Will I let R see this new body, this new confidence? He will hang on for dear life and I don’t want that. I want to go back to dancing but R prefers I have neither security NOR money.) Think I’ll look for a sublet – easier to impress a private owner than a credit union. I’m not afraid of living alone. Painstaking cultivation of intense privacy in the midst of a crowd has always been my forte. Mom and Dad called – acting all worried. Apologizing for giving R my number. I put on a good show of being completely ”over” him but I can see they don’t want me moving back to Washington and prefer Mrs. McManus’ ski chalet option. (My cynical side tells me it’s just cheaper.) I act like I have connections to the literary life in DC and they don’t know any better. Thornbirds is teaching me the great unpleasantness of what publishers define as “a good read”. Contrary to my belief the Victorian period has not ended. Forced to skip the war, potted history and scenery descriptions just to keep going. 7:30 PM Finished Thornbirds. Neither Dane’s death nor Justine’s love affair rang true for me. Uh oh. Danger signs. My taste thoroughly out of kilter with the market. Couldn’t swim – 3,000 spectators of some sort of race at the pool. So went to library – checked out twelve books – bio, history murder mysteries. Alec Waugh, Somerset Maugham, Vyvyan Holland, High Walpole. Evelyn Waugh, of course. At this very moment R is doing his last show of 7:30 Live. Will they have a party or wake? Probably go out drinking at the Shalimar, try to pick up dancers. Time to walk and see how the other (99%) live. 2:45 PM Thurs 28 July 77 Loving myself today. I am very tan. Hair strawberry blond and my stretchmarks look like silk moiré. Any sense of inadequacy must be pounced upon and shore dup – like a beaver at his dam. No worries, few fears. Daddy sent $ which I deposit in my acct. Since I can’t cash a check anywhere I eat what’s here; pickled beets and plain grits. Gallons of water to even it all out. Shake the old body out after 27 years. Decide two people create love – I refuse to do it alone. Reading Ford Madox Ford and grooving on his Violet versus Elsie problems. Schadenfreude. Years later poor Elsie says, “I should have ignored everybody and divorced him.” Alas, Ford is a self-centered fool. Not simpatico character. However the period is a favorite with me. Mail hideously dull. Nothing from Harcourt. Will my “Westerns” editor have the nerve to turn down an author they’ve got 105,000 copies of? Yes. All a bunch of weenies, frankly. Bike ride. 8:45 PM Finished article for the McManus mag about Shadowe – “Island in Common” – 750 words – sent it off with letter. Mission accomplished. Thinking of substituting a night ride for my walk. Trigger fewer yearnings. Ford’s moved to the US and I’m at the end of my tether with him. Tried reading Jane Novak’s Razor Edge of Balance on V. Woolf – she’s no threat – Lingo Academico virtually impenetrable. Loved reading Fowles on the Fr Lt’s Woman – even though he has a “tin ear” about the Victorians – their “failure” to depict “a man and woman in bed together” ! (How about My Secret Life!!!) He’s the real thing all right even though he launched 1st draft without any research. (It shows.) I’m going to stop freaking out about how little I know London. Full of joy & life & strength & immortality & pep. Now thinking fondly of DC. Resist the impulse to call myself a turkey for even MENTIONING living together to R. (I said in my phone message I had to have a house for dogs.) I can see him crying over his beer at the strip club. Seeing his wussdom as independence. I feel and look mighty thin – but refuse the temptation to weigh myself. Size seven is good enough. Took my walk looking indulgently at couples with children thinking, “This too is within my reach.” Mail full of dull rejections NO interest or acceptances. But the UNITY MITFORD I’d ordered came which I’m reading now. Must write about sisters someday. It’s a trip. 11:12 AM Sat 30 Jul 77 Going out tonight with Devon to see Annie Hall, that laff riot he hasn’t seen. This is one of the things I love about life – it’s so fucking unpredictable! Give these guys space to stew they will eventually DO something. We had a nice phone conversation. I can tell he has “traumatized” himself by “inviting” me here. I tell him hardly, I’m writing 8 p. a day (of course it will all have to be thrown out) getting a tan and reading piles of books. (All true.) Too cold & overcast today for pool though and now its raining. Starting to get a feeling D and I will end up in bed. It’s inevitable. How I crave that tight young flesh…Bet you $5. Will wear my faded cerise linen jumpsuit, high heels and Nefertiti necklace. Stoking! Bike ride combined with cold shower doesn’t work.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Alysse Aallyn
Archives
September 2022
Categories |