Midnight, Fri 13 Oct 67
If this is unreadable do not blame poor Little Me. Drank coffee till my hands jazzed. Tues. night was an all time depression low. From that point one can only rise. Reading Freud’s life by Ernest Jones has given me “neurasthenia”. Split completely into two personae, one speaking and one pretending to listen. Master Gwill took one of us aside (but which one?) and told us not to waste our talents and wither away. We looked at him owl-eyed. He told me to put on a “one woman show”. I don’t want to do THAT but it does suggest an Escape Route. Senior project at a Phila. Theatre would give me two weeks off! Must investigate. Strange letter from Dan including one ticket to The Homecoming! Hmm…if I went who would I meet there? I sent him a cold letter saying you broke up with ME and demanding the other ticket. Then called Mom all excited that I might be living at Pewter Hill during Senior Project I got a tart lecture about Changing My Ways and Not Roaming the Halls At Night. (But I’ll have my own floor!) Came a cropper with Aynsley too who wants to “clean together”. Ugh! It is bad enough doing it all without someone watching me! (We already have white glove inspections!) How will I make it to June? I was hoping to get TB but it looks like that’s not going to happen. Uh oh, burned my finger with an illegal candle and serve me right. Sun 15 Oct 67 Cured myself with a meal per to Philly where Casey and I saw Pinter’s magnificent Accident! Bogarde, Seyrig, York, Knox. What can I say! We were both overcome! Every scene was a mini-movie – the abandoned dining table. The broken car. Remaining in memory forever. Master Gwill brought me a pile of theatre books. Yay! Realized even though I am not happy there is no reason to be depressed. Dinner with Casey at the Nichols’ (pizza) where she is babysitting. 11:40 PM Weird phone calls from “IBM Computer Research.” Both Aynsley and I talked to them till we got angry. Fishy. Suspect Dan’s roommates. Mon. 16 Oct 67 3 gory chapters of Amos in Bible. Ripped up pregnant women, disturbed bones & general acts of O.T. vandalism. Feeling annoyed that this is presented to us as “philosophy”. Wrote my Bible paper on “Freedom & Discipline about psychoanalysis and submitted it with considerable relish. Ha! We’ll see what he has to say about that! Enjoying NY Times Book Review about Games People Play. Agreeing with Dr. Berne about behaviorism. Freud says “personal fulfillment” as a goal is naïve. Try to talk about theatre with Master Gwill. He is rather slick and shallow and trying to maneuver me into a “liberal arts college” because “it is a very good thing.” Feel I’m being “indulged” so I can be “managed.” But he has the good idea of starting a hobby called Actors Seminar. I promised him I’d join. Dan called me at lunch at his most pathetic. Promised to send the other ticket. Who would I go with? I said Casey, wouldn’t that be appropriate? His ex-girlfriends out for the evening together! He said only if we talk about him. I said that’s guaranteed. Hung up the phone to Dropped Jaws on Girls’ End. Am I a monster or a role model? Thoughts are divided – it is neck and neck with disapproval having a SLIGHT edge. Just the way I like it. Reed and I teamed up in English together. I continually underestimate that boy but I think he underestimates himself. I was so afraid he’d sneer at my poetic talents but he performed my dialog with respect (he has yet to write his own.) And it’s about him! Still, he refuses to join Actors Seminar. We tried walking out of class together but we were out of step. Invited him to tea with my parents Parents Day if his aren’t coming. He says, “I hate tea.” I said, “Now I remember.” He said, “You think it’s the cure for everything.” I said, “It is.” He said, “To each his own escape…” Uh oh. Is that a yes or no? A Good Acting Exercise for Actors Seminar would be… a) show you love someone without speaking or touching them. b) Same; someone you’re uncomfortable with Here’s my dialog: Girl: Persecuted recluse who likes to be nice to everyone in hopes of making friends. Plaintive. Boy: Young rebel caught up in the novelty of rebellion. Scene: The Varsity Hockey Field on Friday night. Girl’s attention drawn to Boy who is running around field whistling. G; Who’s that? B: What? G: Who are you, swooping around like that? B: It’s really fun. You should try it. G: Yes, but who are you? B: It’s only Clarence. G: Clarence do you feel all right? B: Yes. G: Then why are you swooping like that? B: Don’t call it swooping. Swooping is a coarse word. G: Oh, I’m sorry. It’s just the word that came to mind. B: If I don’t swoop it makes my head ache strangely. G: Maybe you should go to the infirmary. B: They can do nothing for me there. G: Oh well, then, I’ll leave you to you – B: Please don’t. Isn’t the moon wild tonight? G: You should see the lake! It looks like silver punch bowl of grape juice! And then when the moon went behind a cloud it looked like – I can’t remember what else it looked like. It was only seconds ago and yet I can’t remember. B: Maybe I should go look. G: No, it wouldn’t work. B: Why shouldn’t I look? I’ll go if you want. G: I’d rather swoop. (They swoop for a while.) G: I guess I just don’t have the technique. B: You look funny. G: Let’s go to the lake! B: No, it’s probably all gone by now. G: How could it be? B: Well, the part I didn’t tell you… G: Are you drunk? B: Have you ever seen a drunk person walk this straight? G: No. (They walk awhile.) G: I don’t feel right. It’s like we’re on different wavelengths. B: Or planets. G: You don’t seem all there. B: Is anybody all there? Don’t you find this place emotionally stifling? Every once in awhile you’ve just got to get away. G: I go for a lot of walks but I still feel chained down. B: Yeah, I know what you mean. G: I wish we could go to the top of the hill and just take off. B: Fly away! Yeah, yeah! G: I’m so glad you understand me. B: Isn’t it a groove? G: I’ve been looking all my life for someone to understand me. B: This is like The Early Show. I just want to have fun. I’m not one who wants to go around understanding people. This whole evening is starting to feel like a bad trip. I’ll take an 8x12 cell to a neurotic girl any day. (Girl bursts into tears.) END
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Alysse Aallyn
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