2 Nov – Plush Palace – 6:05 PM.
R called this morning to “report in!’ Just to chat about his day! No more of that, I said. I’m busy. Slam. I don’t chat and I’m not sorry it’s too late for me to learn. Actually feeling amazingly happy. Kiki showed me how to cut off my corn with an exacto knife. All better! Still in Vol I of Life of Frost. He was a repulsive human being, all right. Nowhere near as fun as Agatha. Precious equilibrium recovered. 8:30 PM 8 Nov 77 I gave him the full treatment, poor guy. Red Italian boots, glittery eyeshadow, tight, tight jeans. Deliberately drove Conn Ave but no markers from the past reached out their claws. Felt strong and blissful. I was first there (of course) so could order carafe of wine and think. I’ll just explain to him that my idea of friendship and intimacy requires a degree of truth telling that appears to freak him out. He wore his high heels, too. His hair is blonder, longer and messier than I remembered and it suits him. Off to the Bahamas next weekend, he says for a “dive”. He wore the pinky ring I gave him (he says he can’t get it off.) But that holy glow, that shine he used to have is gone for me. I get it that he doesn’t know the pain he caused – shallow people can’t. And that’s pitiable, really. He’s not just deaf in one ear, he’s deaf in his soul. He has a carefully worked out a “barstool rationale” for what happened to us; we became lovers before we became friends. I have no comment. Postponing sex would not have helped – and it might have made things worse dumping all the responsibility for timing on me. I think when he saw how easy it was to draw blood he couldn’t help doing it, and I was a fool and an idiot. I ordered the fruit and cheese plate but left before it arrived. Realize how much I want all this to be in the past. No future of any kind exists for us. Not even in fantasy. The future is what matters. Told him to give my regards to the folks at the Shalimar. He said he’d give me a buzz. Bet I can finish Demon by Thanksgiving. Avril coming. Lucky I have a second bedroom. Furnish it with Kliban posters, a thrift shop bureau and a mattress on the floor. 12 Nov 77 6:25 PM Plush Palace I finally called R. (He’s been leaving me messages.) I said if we were going to have a relationship of any kind – the friendship that he wanted – we would have to have rules (I got the idea from Nancy Mitford.) He said he was so glad I called, he’d been having the most awful day. Took my card out of his rolodex but couldn’t bring himself to destroy it and put it away in a drawer. What rules he said. I said we’d have to think. No idle calls? No talk about past? He said “Please forgive me” and I said “Forgive me.” He said there’s nothing to forgive, Dancing suddenly OK? I said we’re done with all that stuff. Starting over. But I’m very busy working a lot and writing a lot and he said he’s very busy working a lot. No expectations. We both said fine and I’m pretty sure he’s as relieved as I am. We’re going to Looking for Mr. Goodbar Thurs – I want to see it too. He knows how I love movies. It’s perfect weather to pick up Avril at the airport and drive to Galesville tomorrow for brunch with Mom & Dad at the marina. There’s a white farmhouse on Old Annapolis Rd I always look for longingly. Plush Palace 4 PM Wed 15 Dec 1977 Shaking like a leaf. Ryder called the club saying he was called early into work tonight – change of plans. Called his work immediately – “Mr. Arlen’s desk.” Left her a message saying I got his message but do not call the club. Hope this stymies him till after Christmas but I know he is going to say we need each other’s workplace # for last minute plan changes. I’d better have something to say – which I think is THIS IS NOT DATING. WE ARE NOT DATING. You can’t be trusted with my workplace #. Then I start looking desperately for Jervaze to come in. He’s supplying me lately with that all-important fantasy vitamin of which I have been so deficient for so long. Can’t even THINK about R to the background of Disco Inferno. Sat – 18 Dec 77 9:30 AM Very dissatisfied with life and self and, as usual, in complete confusion as to what to do about it. I suspect I should not be making any big investment decisions, like buying a house and furnishing it but I am sick of being such a goddam wanderer. Avril has been accepted at U of MD – my job is to finish this goddam novel. If I could finish it maybe March, April and May could be my traveling months. I thought March skiing could be nice – in Devon’s back yard. I am in danger of making an idiot of myself over Phil Jervaze – “Adonis” as I privately call him . He seems very attracted but is not making the first move. I’ll have to bring him along somehow. Going tomorrow to Renaissance Music at the National Shrine. Should I wear my rhinestones or can I restrain myself? Avril says I’m doing a good job taking her mind off of Dipstick, (my name for Mason). Bought her $80 worth of clothes – she can pay me back when I need help with the January rent.
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Alysse Aallyn
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