Sun 20 Aug 1972 – Tallahassee, Fla.
Turbulences & difficulties with husbands. Bud & Bruce went out to play golf, promising to be back at six so we could have dinner at Panacea and see The Last of the Red Hot Lovers. They were an hour late and couldn’t understand why we were annoyed! Bud is a heavy dope smoker and does everything in slo-mo - can’t understand why people expect anything to “actually happen” as opposed to “nothing happening” which is fine with him. (He must be so much fun to play golf with. Bruce keeps score and does his shots for him.) Honor worked out a complex mathematical equation proving that all men think their time is 1/3 more valuable than “women’s time.” No one can follow this at all. We didn’t leave dinner till 10:15! To me, cocoanut cream pie and Neil Simon are not equivalent exchanges. Honor and Bud fight over everything – it’s a miracle they’re still together. I don’t interfere but I’ve got to stop giving my opinion when asked. (I think dope smokers have opted out of all thinking processes and are basically telling the world – “mommy me, please”.) Since he’s opted out, everything – acts of God included – must be Honor’s fault and on some depressing level she’s OK with the power this gives her. Plus, Bruce and I sleep in the dog bed. (The dogs spend the night in bed with Honor & Bud but in the daytime they’re on our couch, scratching and sucking.) Bud has found a property for sale six hours from NYC in Devil’s Elbow NY, which is JUST GORGEOUS – 140 acres, a barn, a five bedroom, two-storey house for $14,000! Bud would go in on it with us so it would be just $7000. I have to admit this would be wonderful. Instant “country house”; the kind where you can also afford a city apt. (If we could figure out which city.) It only has one bathroom – I insist we would have to install another bathroom – we would get the upstairs and Bud would get the downstairs. To my surprise Bruce readily agrees; “if I can have an observatory”. Why would I object to him getting an observatory? Apparently you can buy “a kit” and the skies up there are amazing. I could “fix up the house” while Bruce is on tour. I have to admit this is tempting. Bruce secretly thinks this is a perfect way to “free” Bud from Honor who refuses to leave Tallahassee. I have to think about whether I want to live with a permanent sot, but since it’s not my money, it may not be my choice. Either we “own” or we “invest” – the former being clearly better. And then there’s the place itself. (The name of the town alone is worth the price of admission.) I remark that it must be haunted – that set Honor off. Screaming! But I can feel an entire volume of ghost stories waiting for me in that house. Pewter Hill, 26 Aug 1972 – Sat – 2:40 AM Put myself on an 800 calorie a day diet – two meals a day. It’s been OK so far – only need to curb the desire to snack. Being in this house makes me think about our house – mine and Bruce’s – how I will furnish it. What budget I will have. Bruce deeply asleep – Avril and I just finished watching Murder at the Gallop. Delightful. I could sit through a triple Rutherford feature. Bad moment driving Daddy to the airport – he was at his snarlingest – bitching at the traffic, bitching at the road construction – I tried cheering him up by telling him about Nashville only to get a lecture about wasting our money buying sportscars and houses! A Fiat sedan and a $7000 house! Why would I sequester myself away? He crabs. So I can think, I say feebly. He does not say the obvious – too bad you can’t think or how did I raise a girl who can’t think but I can tell that’s what he’s thinking. As always, discussing it later with Avril cheers me up. She says he’s been talking a lot lately about how important his job is (since Mom’s pressuring him to “retire”.) We make good resolutions about dieting and learning to get our feelings out. 1:00 Am – 3 Sept 72 – Aboard the Gryphon at Block Island Cold and rainy. We came aboard this cruise for sunning, swimming and being with the Old Folks but what we get is no sun, sweated labor, forced marches and the oligarchy system. Struggling with Strachey’s Eminent Victorians not improving my mood. I don’t get what the fuss was about him – I’d say he’s a point-misser. Give me Henry James any day – he totally “got” the Victorians. I’ve got to stop taking all these side trips in my life. Avril’s and my diet, so successful last week is hopeless here where we’re locked up with the food. People are fighting over chocolate bars – my mom has a stash of peanut butter cups no one else is allowed to see much less taste, hidden in the forward cabin. I am buoyed by the thought of “our house” (Bud not moving up till spring.) I know I can make it Bruce’s favorite place – he always says our apt (mine before he moved in) is “the best place on earth. (We will lose it with neither of us in school but I’d say it’s time.) I’m trying to be confident enough in his love so we can tolerate being apart, but I don’t know. Woke up crying from a dream in which he’d cheated. Didn’t Jesus say adultery was divorce? I think so. But Bruce has no time for Jesus.
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Alysse Aallyn
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