Midnight - 6 Jan- 78
Crazy with love. Jervaze and I had one of those unforgettable dates last night – Took him to my favorite restaurant in Ellicott City - Coco Lane and we talked for hours. He loves dogs – wants to raise Grand Pyrenees. His favorite cats are English blues. Wanted to be a vet except he always hated school, so that’s how he got into working with his hands and he thinks there’s no way back now. He loves WC Fields and horror movies. The thing I love about him most (apart from his astonishing beauty) is his natural courtesy, his dignity (he is very polite to anyone in a service position – the exact opposite of R who acted as if being exigent was the same thing as being discriminating. A sign of status.) He has such an aura of gentleness and calm, just like those big dogs he loves so much. His isolation, I like too – he’s the only male I’ve met in quite awhile who doesn’t travel in a pack. He has a brother in the same job locally – that’s why he came up from Alabama – but he plainly thinks suburban Virginia is the “fast lane” and I don’t disabuse him. He eats seafood by preference and wants to live on the water. He probably drinks too much and could be an incipient alcoholic. My parents would be totally, totally appalled but of course it doesn’t take much to appall them. Alas, he hasn’t finished my book – claims he’s “working on it”. I am waiting for him to outright say he doesn’t understand it – maybe when he knows me better. When he kissed me goodnight he only kissed me – a relief at the time, since it was one less worry. Now of course I wish I had some clearer indication from him that he finds me even attractive. Is he polite or am I resistible? Don’t want to be resistible – we’ll have to change that. Sat -1 pm 7 Jan- 78 I’m at the Starlight – club owner owns this one too – its huge. How I hate this stage. It isn’t a true stage but a runway winding through the audience, which means you have to keep walking all the time – and they try to fill it by having several girls up at once. One can’t build any audience hypnosis – people pay less attention and have more business meetings – and tips really take a nosedive. The bartender is a grizzled old lesbian who stares right up my crotch – supposedly to see if my stocking seams are straight (they aren’t. Fortunately she doesn’t offer to do them for me – but she still watches. ) Four of the other girls tried to get me to let them smoke dope in the dressing room – I told them no. They’d have to go out back with the alley cats. Thank God Glee – who has a lot of class – backed me up. So the two of us had the dressing room to ourselves, which made a pleasant change from watching the others trying to disguise the scars from their breast operations. Book I brought – The Pleasure of Ruins – does not go with this atmosphere in spite of its title. R called me here – says he found me thru Randy who was impressed because R’s on TV! I flatly told him he is scaring the life of out me with this behavior. But he seems to know just how far to push things, amazingly we had a wonderful talk! Gentleman Jim let us talk in his office: very respectful of our “privacy”. He obviously thinks we are dating. Wonder if he will tip R to the fact that I have a “honey on the side” at the Plush Palace? Jesus! I told R I am sick of his “psychotic twin brother” (good idea for a novel, actually) and he really laughed – admitted he has “a Jekyll-Hyde” thing going on. (It’s actually worse than that – it’s really Hyde and Mr. Nastier Hyde – but didn’t tell him that. Keep conversation on a light note.) He promised to stop calling me at work. Monday 8 Jan 78 – 6 PM Twenty-four hours ago I was sitting in my red dress with a glass of port, waiting for Jervaze to arrive. Anxiety level high. Somewhere – I think from Mom – I got the impression that my needs are so automatically repellent to any sane individual that they must be hidden. Therefore I have to carefully think my way through to any honest approach – and then it isn’t really honest any more. But I can’t be just impulsive. Prepared myself for disappointment – that he would be late or perhaps not show – because there is something weird about him. Some deep dark secret perhaps? But he was right on time. This time I took him to my closest restaurant - waiter put on quite a show with the Irish coffee till the flaming liquor rolled down his sleeves! Jervaze came inside my house without hesitation – I fretting about how to best establish physical contact while he sprawled comfortably on the couch. I turned off the overhead light and lit candles –took off my jacket – he rubbed his face against my breasts acting calm, respectful and not neurotic. Must be my experience with R that makes me fearful of being “shamed” every second. Jervaze kissed and kissed my face so long – tears automatically filled my eyes. But he did not get upset. Got up like a perfect gentleman “when it was time to leave” and I managed to resist attacking him. I did one very strange thing that is causing me anxiety now. We showed each other our class rings – he always wears his. I slid mine on his little finger and left it there. He wore it home. Uh oh.
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Alysse Aallyn
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