Sun 17 Sept 67 – 11 PM
Definitely one of the worst days of my life. A sick, sad, whipped feeling. Feel like I may “give in” to Dan and say I love him if he wants me to say it. Evicted from tennis. Heard that “trying to be friendly” with Reed means “I want him back”. Says everyone. I can’t totally deny it. Do I? Depends how he acts! On everything! People being real for two seconds at a time! Sat night I sent him his Blues Project record back with short KOB. “You can call me from a snow white, starlit stairway I may hear and not be far away at all But the sounds of our winter’s love at night time They have vanished…they have silenced…” (Steve’s song) In chapel I sat directly across from Shawn on the Facing Bench. He looked so smugly beautiful, so big, magnificent and male. He has a perfect profile. Raincoat over pajamas, I sat muttering in my own filth. Picking my face. Boredom like an anguish. Back at the dorm Dan calls, tried to make me jealous with all the girls he took out this weekend, want to come next weekend. Here! I babbled that would be way too hard for me. Blaming Casey would be the easy way out. I don’t know what to do. I’ll have to take a sleepover. Read Blues for Mister Charlie. It ripped me up inside but we can’t perform it – write a “white” version? Possibly. Realized I am not a leader. Listening to them babble about rules and administration at senior play meeting in the library I see why Shawn and I can’t converse. I even hate team sports, so my loathing of the group dynamic runs deep. I used to be a Transcendentalist but now I think I am an anarchist. Shawn wanted to talk afterwards. I asked why he’s avoiding me! Said he’d met a girl this summer who showed how superficial our relationship had been! I flinch when he and Reed use exactly the same words about me!!! I know they’ve been talking!!! I asked him if a man feels like a success to himself but everyone else thinks he’s a failure, what is he? Shawn says “a success.” But if a girl thinks she’s not a bitch and everyone else thinks she is… “She’s a bitch.” He says. I cry unfair! Said I was sorry for the impression he has of me but I couldn’t correct it. He said, “What impression do I have of you?” Fortunately I was crying too hard to even ATTEMPT to answer that question. Tonight a “Thank you – buzz off” KOB from Reed! I should feel better “having” Dan, says Aynsley. But I don’t “have” him. People don’t have other people (especially me and Dan.) Made myself feel better by buying a Thanksgiving dress from McKenzie. $5. Barely used. Short, black velvet with exotic lace sleeves. Seemed more like “Dan’s dress” than mine; a weird experience of looking at myself from the outside-in – triggered by Shawn’s sarcastic, cruel expression. At least Dan doesn’t mind when I cry around him – if that’s how life makes me feel. Depend on NY Times & tea to right all wrongs. Casey talking angrily about me with the other girls. Miss Beeston insists, “You are what you seem.” That can’t be true. I know Thoreau & Emerson are on my side. Wed 20 Sept 67 There are people in the world who think I have potential. Dan, for one. I was so grateful to him for the good things he said I almost cried. He called me last night during dinner and I was glad to hear from him, wondering what he did when he was here (I took a sleepover.) Said he visited Master Gwill and they discussed ME. Master Gwill says the reason people think I’m not honest is that I’m so honest! Thank you very much! Usually I can’t be bothered to lie – it makes me feel they’ve won. (Using Artful Measures usually fails dismally anyway.) Dan says his sister Janie disapproves of our dating. (Of course she does – she rooms with Marnie.) I love love LOVE George Bernard Shaw such a charming, reasonable man. His preface to St Joan is so delightful! Are there any other dramatists skilled at the expository style? Fri 22 Sept 67 Why spoil love by turning it into Valhalla? Valhalla is for dead people. Every time a magazine article appears about Sick Sex Morals of Today’s Youth there’s an answering barrage of letters from housewives who are so Sorry for us for “giving up” the Sacred Night of Love with your Eternal, Glorious, God-Mandated Virginal Husband. It bothers me that they don’t realize calling your wedding day “the happiest day of your life” sounds more like a sentence than a reward. It’s all downhill after that is hardly a recommendation! I’ve got enough rules thank you very much. “I can’t send him a KOB till he sends me one” I can’t ask him till he asks me” I can’t kiss him till he kisses me” and I CERTAINLY can’t say I love him until he says he loves me! I don’t blame the senior boys for their rage over this mess, the problem is, inertia’s not an answer. Dan called me Thurs the fiftieth time this week. I called him back as “Juanita Devereux” (he says his frat brother think he’s married.) He was VERY depressed. I couldn’t think what else to say when he said nobody cared anything about him, I said I LOVE YOU. The deadest silence. (What an idiot I am.) Finally I asked, “Have you committed suicide?” “Did you mean what you just said?” Uh oh. I love you, I love my dog – we’re both grasping at straws here. I tried telling him that the wonderful way he has treated me has made me love him. He’s very lovable. ANYBODY WOULD LOVE HIM. I could tell it’s not quite what he wanted to hear. In Bible class we discussed what a shock it is to discover there is a world apart from your perceptions. If your perceptions are screwed up YOU COULD BE COMPLETELY WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING. True, too true. But does it MATTER? (Think of Van Gogh.)
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Alysse Aallyn
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