2;30 PM Mon 22 Aug 77
Can’t write, so ready to return to Maine. So desperate I watched TV (Rhoda: Apotheosis of the Career Girl). Feeling crushed about Secaire and Demon is not far behind. When your mind is divided its hard to go on. I always feel genre works actually have the potential for highest dramatic quality – mystery, discovery, transformation, revelation – telling the complete truth about everything but I just don’t know how to convey that. Also I’m kind of worried that Devon will see my departure as “because” we punctured the fantasy with honesty ; ie I’m “punishing” him (that’s what Ryder would think, plus he would howl “I deserve it” then behave even worse) and of course it sort of is true . “New data” does affect everything. But I miss the dogs & worry about them. Dad has yet to figure out their sex (calls them both “boy”). Went clothes shopping got GOREGOUS skinny jeans! Look so good. Called D about but had to leave an awkward message with Random Guy (ugh I hate that.) Thank God for diaries! Best therapy possible. So much cheaper than a shrink. Diagnosis? Sheer greed. I always want everything. 9:45 AM Wed 24 Aug 77 Great conversation with D. He feels exactly the same way I do (kind of unsettling) wants to continue with me but doesn’t want anyone to find out about me, etc. I.e. ambivalent. We just want everything we can get as pleasantly as possible. Said he’d take me to the airport Fri – I asked if it was possible he could spend Thu night – he said he’s make it possible. Should be ecstasy. I’m very up for it. Tonight call M & D ugh. They always try to make me feel like a flake. I say it’s like sailing – since you don’t know what the waves or weather are going to be like its only sensible to make adjustments accordingly. (My father taught me that.) Pack and clean. Yuck. 7:20 PM Dull evening. Ceaseless rain & cream of wheat for dinner. On the other hand feel great – happy and serene. Have to note that so this book is NOT a constant wail of desperation & entitlement. Gross reading about Leopold & Loeb case. 2:30 PM Dunkin Donuts Eelsboro, Maine Fri. 26 Aug 77 Here I am again: have I changed? I like myself better, I think I can say that. Thurs night was a big success. Devon came in with an IMMENSE bottle of white wine – he either needs it for himself or he’s trying to turn me into an alcoholic (with my full cooperation.) The clam and noodle thing I invented was quite good but he wasn’t ready to eat till nine and we didn’t get to bed till midnight where he revealed a sexually savage side to his nature that has been previously unseen. So maybe he was nerving himself. (Of course I loved it). We finished the housecleaning and were off to the airport by 11. Fairly silent in the car, though he was tender. When I mentioned he might come down to DC he said he didn’t think there was much of a possibility – so now I’m worrying that I’ve been pushed onto Bad Girl Island while he pines for Pure Young Innocent Eng girl with who he would NEVER do those enjoyably awful things. (She’s 21!!!! He knew her 24 hrs!!!) I shouldn’t be silly. I really can’t ever “lose” him. I think he loves me and everything else is just scar tissue. Devastating airport goodbye – he asked me to “write soon”. I’m probably lucky he loves me as much as he does. I was looking damn good if I do so say so myself in backless red halter top and tight, tight jeans. I do want him to remember me as beautiful. 11:30 AM Sat 27 Aug 77 M & D are on Ryder’s side!!! And they HATE him! In other words, they will line up with anybody rather than me. They say of course R “behaves badly” if I am having an “affair” (don’t you love the archaic term?) with Devon! I say he doesn’t even know about Devon, plus we weren’t exclusive BY HIS CHOICE plus we were BROKEN UP. All still seems to be my fault. Incredibly, they think I am not SUFFERING ENOUGH. Here are people who have lectured me all my life to find any excuse for other people’s bad behavior – life has surely injured them in some way. They didn’t have Advantages! Apparently I am the only human being alive who doesn’t get an excuse – I should just “be different”. How, asks mom, can I meet “suitable young men” while dancing? Suitable young men! (They like Marc Kramer who’s a complete horndog and a political troglodyte. But at least he can afford me!) Am I living in a Trollope novel? I am so annoyed I don’t want to accept their hospitality but I really don’t want to rent a room in the House of the Damned aka Burnside Inn. which doesn’t take dogs – who wept to see me again like children – then immediately got over it. Dad’s a very restless retiree I must say but don’t ask me what to advise. I’m too ignorant. My advice to everyone is “write”; like naturalists say “Be alone in nature” and religious people say “Find God.” Reading Vol I. V. Woolf’s diary (so different from A Writer’s Diary) and hitting the gin. Mom thinks I’m taking “bad” advice from messed up writers – “modeling” myself on failures and suicides – (Dad calls them “degenerates”) – because it’s “cool”. That’s why I need the gin. I need the gin the first minute I wake up. Must try not to be such a limp limpet. Told Mom if R calls at night not to come get me.
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Alysse Aallyn
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