1 July 74
Finished Life of Turgenev – these death scenes are killers – like Sir Walter Scott screaming for a solid week – but it gave me a great idea for a novel. T sent his illeg daughter to live on his amour Pauline Viardot’s French estate to kiss her feet and become a holy queen like her. Polinka grew up to absolutely hate Pauline. Cutting and hemming my new white skirt while watching Something to Live For which is carried entirely on the broad shoulders of Ray Milland. Writer should be shot for that ending. No jury would convict me. Start my first week of work tomorrow painless 3 days. Every week after will be 4 days – perfect for writing. Bruce has taken up secret smoking! 4:30 PM – Sun 7 July 74 This is the life – Avril instead of Bruce, and my job is a dream. I’m supposed to be a receptionist for Bonnett & Brandt but they really want me to run blueprints all over town which is OK by me. Something very satisfying about blueprints. (It’s only $58 a week but $58 a week beats broke.) Avril and I are writing a gothic novel together - we’ve got 50 p. so far. Here’s a genre where weirdness is appreciated. Bruce said I was “driving” him out. Paranoia is the price you pay for irresponsibility I guess. I can HEAR his future girlfriends being lectured on how conventional I was, insisting on things like paid bills and flowered curtains. Sun 14 July 74 Tues. was a bad day. I lost my job, my contacts scratched my corneas, Avril took me to the hospital where they gave me Darvon drops. Avril got sympathetic shooting pains in her heart. Bonnett & Brandt tried to hire me full time – agency took me off the job! So I quit agency. I don’t understand why this works for them – unfortunately I was in floods of tears so failed to make a good case for myself. Finished Sjowall’s The Locked Room. Suggests plot of novel I would call Hetaira. Avril and I argue over our Gothic – I say it’s female pornography – our stag movie – she disagrees. Tried writing a letter to B. Should I even attempt it? Tried reading Delderfield – “No nonsense about fashionable ambiguities” says Orville Prescott on the book jacket. And that’s just the problem. Next read Simenon. Can’t sleep so might as well balance checkbooks which is going to be depressing. D’s phone bill $75 because of his radio!!! The radio was supposed to be INSTEAD of phone!!! Sun 28 July 74 Announced our split up to all and sundry. Mom and Dad say “keep them in the loop” in spite of Dad’s lectures on “good wifery” (he’s an expert) which are apparently based on the assumption that Bruce left ME. Devon sent a letter saying he’s started a competitive skiing school. Invited me to visit. Hmmm. Hard not to fantasize. Avril wants me to drive her north. Called Walter to prod publishers – this is taking an eternity. Tamarack, NH – Tues Aug 6 When I arrived at his brother’s house Devon was meditating. He’s just back from Italy. He says he’s not thinner but he looks different – his moustache blonder – the blue of his eyes more intense. Unfortunately he’s so beautiful he appears actually divine. He was wearing his red & white striped running jacket and very short white shorts. Some poor besotted girl came to visit him – the one who taught him Italian – very plain – not much competition. D tells me about his younger brother’s broken engagement. Fluctuating emotions of the male. Uh oh. I try to act cool. He tells me he is physically very shy – goes to a girl’s house to kiss her – can’t make himself do it. Should I just grab him? I refuse. Seems impolitic. He understood about Bruce – doesn’t think I’m crazy. Says he’s been having trouble communicating with me all these years – our dinner with Bruce (the one D brought a girlfriend to) was NOT a success because he had to get drunk to survive it. He says the thought of me RUINED all his college relationships! I’ve got women I’ve never even met furious at me up and down the Atlantic seaboard. 7 Aug 74 D has an apt in his brother’s house – I was upstairs in a ski student bunkbed where I fell asleep after my bath. He woke me up at 8 – his brothers went to the movies. D said he was having trouble keeping his hands off me and he was afraid his brothers would notice. I said they’re too drunk most of the time to know what’s going on. Physical perfection and constant inebriation is their mantra. Devon cooked me a fabulous vegetarian dinner and then we went to bed in his apartment – a king size bed. He said he didn’t want to get “sexual” too fast - I said fine with me but it was so glorious and beautiful we went the whole way. I can’t believe I’ve been torturing myself with Bruce’s “sex-making” all these years and trying to make myself adapt to it – much more satisfying to be worshipped as a goddess! He was so worried after that it wasn’t “safe” – told him about my IUD and he was relieved. Now he’s agonizing about Bruce. We’re not divorced. But I promise him its over. Sat 10 Aug 74 Just back from watching Devon play in a tennis tournament. This is what life’s all about where he comes from. I am so happy I would not have believed it just a few days ago. D’s latest is worry that his brothers will “tell” his parents about us. They will think he split up my marriage! Who can chart the literally endless misconceptions with which we torture our minds? I tell him he KNOWS it isn’t true but he acts like that doesn’t mater if it LOOKS true. It’s his nature to blow hot and cold – I get much better sex if I tell him “Fine – I can sleep by myself” and he attacks me in my 17” bunkbed. If he breaks it they will notice! Not to mention I don’t think there’s a lock on that door! He says our relationship can’t go farther than this. I said it must – all relationships do. Parents tell their kids “Stop growing” but…guess what? I’ve GOT to get some sleep – D wants me to walk a trail with him tomorrow AM to see how many trees need to be removed. He says he’s going to cut every tree himself because his father told him it’s impossible. Mon night 11 PM 12 Aug 74 - MD Almost unconscious with exhaustion. 10 hr drive to Baltimore – picking up dogs doing laundry, futzing in house etc. Last thing D said was he was “glad to get a second chance!” We’ll see what he makes of it. Searched for my parable to send him but couldn’t find it. D. suggested I need to come live in Tamarack. He will “find” me a place because I can’t live with his brothers. (Even he says that house is “poisoning” him.) Everyone gets jobs at the hotels. I don’t like the sound of it. I’m afraid if I do I’ll have to get in line with that poor Italian girl. He says he always retreats from the heat of intense relationships. When he said goodbye to me he kissed my shoulder! Little des he know this “inadequacy” I one of the things I most love about him. 13 Aug 74 Astronomical dentist’s bill –paid my share but sent his to Bruce! He won’t pay it but it makes me feel better. Gas bill $77! I thought $55 was steep! It’s the airconditioning. $400 left at bank (My father would be shocked). – I really must get a job. Threw away all B’s underwear then wrote D a letter. Feel better.
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Alysse Aallyn
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