3:15 PM 9 May 77
Called into Broadcast to sub for Loretta. Working on Devlyn galleys. The main scary thing about this place is that no one works here willingly. “Morale” is a poisonous miasma. Kind of like the architects’ office. Mom & Dad raise hell over A’s living with Mason. I thought they were so worked up about “commitment”! Sharing an apt is a commitment, isn’t it? Not according to them. Glad poor A is taking the storm for once and not me. Couldn’t cope with them on top of everything else. R. and I are trying to evolve into a “friendship”. I know it sounds stupid but there has to be some third place between attraction and avoidance because each of those is obsession. When I ran this idea past R he said I was his “best friend”. This is why he is so impossible to deal with. Best friend? He wouldn’t treat a pet the way he’s treated me (the SPCA would come and get him.) Speaking of Ryder, he just called. Finished my book, found the Black Mass a little short otherwise liked it. Didn’t say a word about “who’s Hank based on.” Thank God. He did ask who the baby’s father is – I said even Nilssa doesn’t know. According to R. I have “no problems”. (He doesn’t know about the dancing. If he was REALLY my best friend I could tell him.) He says we have the whole rest of our lives to talk. He’s uncannily good at saying what I want to hear (unfortunately). Seeing him tonight. Take the bus home, buy wine, wash & set my hair. If only we could get to the stage where we no longer fear each other. 4:50 PM Tues 10 May 77 Well we’re not out of the woods yet but perhaps have found a path. Last night was like losing my virginity all over again – we were both so shy. Slept wrapped up and embracing. Many compliments on my body (no tell-tale glitter in the bed.) He said he was so upset by me breaking up with him at that McDonald’s he can’t go to any McD’s any more. Pledges of love somewhat ruined by an argument during breakfast about whether a novel can be “good” if no one will buy it. Uh oh. I tried keeping it philosophical, not giving historical examples he wouldn’t recognize (which would be “one-upping”.) Finally stopped when he got a call from a “goofy chick.” Should I be worried, I ask, and he says no. But I can’t avoid the sinking feeling that I don’t dare hitch my wagon to anyone so dependent on mass psychology – even as a friend – without losing my way. 8:20 PM Plush Palace Getting ready for my 2nd set. Thinking hard I decide I need 8 months in Maine. I should quit Broadcast Agency right away (I think they need two weeks, poor bastards. No one wants to work there. When you have to quit a job that allows you to read you know its bad. This job lets me read and it’s a lot more interesting.) Stay there the summer at the very least. Just writing. The problem is, if I’ve got Mom and Dad working on my one side and R working the other, I’m like a chew toy. Horrible realization that if I told R I was dancing he would demand I quit and I might do it. So when I realize the person I need to be afraid of is me, it’s a Mary Shelley-like horrific moment. Trying to read Household’s Three Sentinels but all I can think of is those awful Juan Carlos coffee commercials; “harvesting de beans wid de donkeys”. My own life way more interesting. 10 PM - It’s my diary that’s my best friend – tell you anything. Household’s women are unspeakable. Just got to the place where he describes being “turned on” by the hair on a woman’s upper lip. Doesn’t do a thing for me. Hungry, but maybe when I get home I’ll have a yogurt. Trying to save $1000. And stay away from the 12¢ donuts. 12:55 PM In an hour I’ll be on the road and not a moment too soon. Fall into the arms of empty house & importunate dogs. Just ate a whole plate of cold French fries (not good). Boredom’s my worst enemy. Food at least feels like excitement. Such pathos. Gentleman Jim just gave me Thurs night, which is welcome. Broadcast Agency – Wed – 11 May 77 5:35 PM R. says his latest philosophy is “To Love is to Be Happy With.” He’s all worked up about snowshoeing and horseback riding as the cure-alls for anything that ails us; says he’s budgeting money to spend on me every week. I do not find this appealing. He’s a warm puppy, all right, but I’ve already got two of those. In spite of that I fall into a reverie where we buy an old house outside of Annapolis, slowly fill it up with precious junk and love each other to death. Need to go home, eat rice & vegetables, and give dogs a good long walk. Reading Martha in Paris but thinking about Alysse in Annapolis… 7:50 PM Sun 15 May 77 Justifiably proud – paid ALL my bills and sent off my galleys. Nothing like money! (Stupid car needs a new clutch. It’s always something.) Able to refuse “help” from Mom and Dad who are dithering about whether I need to be institutionalized. Told them I was working at a “restaurant” (Let them assume waitressing. They know I can’t cook. PP does serve food; State of Virginia makes people who serve alcohol serve something to sop it up with. Good old Virginia. ) Sent M & D a DEVLYN cover. $57 left in my acct.; $100 in my purse. (Open a savings acct tomorrow). Ordered a beautiful Vietnamese print ($80) for Genevieve’s wedding gift (last time she got married I sent candy. Well, I wasn’t invited!) Horseback riding did make me horny however – Ryder & I made love like a pair of wild animals. He may be compact, but he’s beautiful. Cleaned the entire house. Now darkness falls – means its time to walk the dogs. How I love peering into people’s windows. When I get back, strong tea with milk and the “splendeurs et misères” of Monica Dickens. Or will I succumb to that modern master of the Grimm fairytale, Agatha Christie? No poetry, but plenty of trolls. 10PM Mon 16 May 77 Finally got a reaction from agent to Secaire. I was physically sick when I opened it but she was full of praise. I could teach Poe, Verlaine and Mallarme a thing or two! She’s sending it to Harcourt but telling them it’s “too fine for a paperback”. Says it’s also readable, which is a thing more “precious than rubies”. I was really afraid of what she would say after our literary discussions and her poetry sneers. So elated! Hit the library today and hit it hard – Nancy Mitford’s novels, Hilaire Belloc’s Letters, life of Brontë. Delicious dreaming. 5:35 Pm Broadcast Agency – 17 May 77 Enjoyed Helen Bevington’s The House was Quiet and the World Was Calm. In my bloodthirsty way would have preferred a better description of her husband’s death. Must make do with cuckoos and thrushes and loblolly pines. Bored to tears with this stupid job but you can’t say it’s “hard”. I’m the last happy dodo in a world of dinosaurs – all this equipment about to be ripped out. In 5 mins I get to disconnect phone, walk to Church St (parking’s free in Mafia territory). Drive to Arlington. Fish sandwich for dinner, read about Unquiet Haworth while wearing G-string & stockings. (So appropriate.) Expanding my house hunt to Rt 450. (Towards Annapolis; might need Dad to co-sign.) Obviously I can handle 45 min commute. (Don’t like rain, however.) Aware El Diablo is nothing but a hunk of junk. Future of American literature is fragile on some of these May nights.
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Alysse Aallyn
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