10:30AM Sun 20 Feb 77
R and I went on ski weekend to Massanutten. Didn’t work. Never felt so far from him, and he realized it. Opal & Garrett over for dinner last night – their relationship is boring when I’m alone and don’t have R doing all the work for me. Drank too much out of sheer boredom and because I was depressed over R, then I get depressed over being depressed and drink more. Clearly he’s worthless and I must be too if I can get depressed over him. No good work on novel. Filing, cleaning, paying bills takes up all my time and my room still looks like a filthy hole. Hermiting seems only option (cheaper, too). Must learn to roll with the punches. Fantasizing about Devon because 24th is his birthday. Bad sign. 1:00PM 21 Feb 77 Dizzy from dieting. Not dancing very bad for my body. Current weight 122. (Opal says I have the perfect body. Glad someone appreciates it.) Ryder suggested jogging – bad mistake. Instantly attacked by colds & flu. Instead of eating go to library on my lunch hr to take out books. Went to see The Sentinel somewhere in the burbs with Avril and Mason, who drove like a crazy person (“I’m not afraid of death!”) Never again. Ghastly flick. Mason moving in – his money is good. Another secret to be kept from landlord. A guy at work (Keith Dalrymple) is courting me. He looks all right, though he has receding hairline. Kind of old. Asked to read my novel. I gave him my poems instead. He needs to hit the ground running. Tues. 22 Feb 77 Mason trying to talk A into moving to Calif with him. Uh oh. Maeve also wants to move out because I’m critical of her “dating” her married boss (they have sex in the supply closet). She believes his tiredest lines. “Drop him – he’s outrageous and destructive,” I say. I’m one to talk. Will use her room for my study. Try to live without roommates. Sent Devon a long grey silk scarf for his birthday. 3:40 PM Wed 23 Feb 77 Keith Dalrymple amazingly told me he loves my poems. Wow. Having good literary taste definitely works with me! Having a drink with him tonight. Had to struggle to keep myself from hurling cash at a gorgeous $50 suit in going-out-of-business dress shop on Dupont Circle. Slogging through Mrs Dalloway – it’s her best book. But all this blind struggle not my thing. Require some consciousness. I guess we were reptiles in those days just turning amphibious. Thurs. 24 Feb 77 Cocktail bar buffet with Keith (A calls him a “dim bulb”. We are very critical of each other’s honeys.) He’s a Woolf novel – smooth glossy surface, violence and trauma beneath. He is intelligent – quoted Frost – 38 yrs old – divorced (was married 15 years!!!) I sat swilling Scotch and giving him the hairy eyeball – do I have the strength for this? He blanched when I ordered escargots chablisienne. Wouldn’t even kiss him. I demand exceptionality and refuse to settle for less. Whatever else you can say about Ryder, he’s definitely one of a kind. I am in a unique position compared to other women writers. Given the chance to rise above sexual strictures. Bought an exquisite pair of very high-heeled boots. I tower over Ryder – in more ways than one. Heheheh. Fri. 25 Feb 77 I fuss, I fume. I shriek and scream. I circle my desk warily. Cannot get into this awful novel. Stare hard at the clutching sisters in the Victorian photo for inspiration. None comes. Instead slapped together a first poetry collection – In the Vein. 5:20 PM Sun 27 Feb 77 Ryder will be here any minute. Driving straight through from Pittsburgh because he “misses me so much.” Flank steak marinating, turnips, parsnips & parsley, tomatoes & sour cream – everything ready but wine. Too lazy to drive to the Tick Tock. Day of ecstasy sorting books in new study. Sections are: crime writing, Victorians, Great Novels, the Occult, Women Writers, Cinema, Politics, Science, Children, History & Murder Mysteries. (Move those downstairs.) Hating Orlando. Why did Bowen write Afterword if she didn’t like the book? Mon 28 Feb 77 – Broadcast Agency Bad sex. Sore. Feel like I’ve been run over. Something’s up with him. Mauled me again in the middle of the night. Guilt? Surprise visit from landlord – heard about “violations” from Montgomery County. Ha ha. Obviously only two people living here – (nothing visible of Mason’s.) Landlord calmed. Says he wants to sell the place. Would we allow to be shown? I said sure. Everybody happy. Sorry to lose such a beautiful house but it is too expensive for one person anyway. Thurs. 3 Mar 77 Long talk with Avril about Mason. He is a racist. She says how is it possible to feel superior to and inferior to someone at the same time? Human condition, I say. Spring wind makes me long to shed my clothes! Poor Ryder! It’ll be halter tops and hot pants the minute temp hits 65. Got a V. Woolf poem – the Membraned Sieve. Keith and I still talk but he has made no moves. Relief. Mon 7 Mar 77 Ryder says he talks so much about me to associate director Kyle he’s asked to meet me. (He told Kyle he doesn’t deserve me. It’s the truth!) I said he can’t come to our party at The Plum – we have no room. Sex too rough. Experimenting or letting his anger out? Maybe I’ve stopped lubricating - my body’s ready to quit even if I’m not. Wants me to wake up and smell the coffee. Lunch w/Maeve at Carmac’s, me splendid in orange leather suit, boots, bracelets. Bloody Marys. I gave her her phone bill – also letter from collection agency about plane bill she said boyfriend paid for. He’s obviously running a scam on her. She says she found a Bethesda efficiency $180/month. Had to rush to get back to work – then saw List of Adrian Messenger with A. Made up schedule for Secaire. But the minute I start I get idea for another work – story about father/ daughter/ stepmother war– A Demon Roused. Who’s the demon? Reading The Ring, the Book & The Poet.
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Alysse Aallyn
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