3 Sept 76
Just back from the worst vacation of my life. Both A and I took completely unacceptable men to our parents’ island – alas, my man was the most unacceptable – doing nothing but fighting and sulking. He finally said such unforgiveable things I had to drive him to the ferry and push him off into space. His last words were “I love you.” Day late and a dollar short. The worst things he said were that I dress like a slut, anyone looking at me would instantly assume I was a prostitute. This was said to me while I was wearing my gorgeous emerald scarf tied around my breasts and my long denim skirt and Nefertiti necklace and looking like a goddess for parents’ dinner party. He said if I don’t start wearing a bra my breasts will be “ruined” and he doesn’t want to wake up age 35 married to only a “mind”. (The mind is in fact quite unimportant in his world.) His wife, he assured me, always dressed most tastefully – nobody desiring her ever. Didn’t cross his mind that the fact that she was dead-on-arrival in the sack and her inability to enjoy and celebrate her own body could be in any way connected. He told me my poems are awful and self-indulgent and I live entirely in my own head. I was finally forced to tell him that what with his long hair, leisure suits, stacked heels and man-purse most people just assume he’s gay. But who cares what “most people” think – and would we even know? He really got on my bad side seemingly justifying rape – women “ask for it” with their clothing, male self control not an issue. I said if a crazy girl escaped from an institution and ran down the street naked would men be “ justified” raping her? He said yes so obviously it was over between us from that moment. The truth, of course, is that he was overwhelmingly jealous from the moment he arrived on the island – possibly earlier – by the fact that I am a separate human being, who has ever existed out of his sight. 17 Sept 76 It really is over with R. My fault for going so fast. R leaving messages on my answering machine every day, trying to make me jealous with “don’t call back tonight I won’t be in”. Finally decided I owe it to him to tell him where I’m working – I know he thinks I returned to dancing – the scum. Sent him a card saying we should meet for dinner in a couple of months. Appt. with Georgetown Employment Agency 10;30 AM tomorrow. 12;25 PM Ryder came by to pick up his jackets. He said, “You’re the most valuable person in the world to me.” Trying not to goad him into pyrotechnics, so, showed nothing. He was calm, played with Dixie, kissed me on the cheek and said “I love you” and left. He is worthy of a hefty Freudian tome all to himself. I want to send hi a copy of The Intimate Enemy but he wouldn’t (couldn’t) read it. He’s totally about not wanting what he has, having what he doesn’t want, wanting something else and hating himself into the bargain. I pity anyone involved with him – mainly I pity me – still fixated on his worthlessness apparently. Washing the dishes in floods of tears. I bragged to him that I didn’t want to change him – that isn’t true. I don’t feel I have the right to change people while he wants to specify every detail about me. The worst is I know how he would exult in his power over me. Still wearing his black coral diver’s cross as a charm. When R says dismissively “Be free” he means “Be alone”. Sun. 12 Sept 76 – 12:05 PM Yesterday turned down job at art gallery that would have been wonderful but paid dirt. They say I “might” get commissions on sales. Have a feeling Mom and Dad would push for it – it was very upscale – just didn’t feel right to me. FINALLY letter from agent; Pyramid offering $2500 advance, 6% to 150,000 copies, 8% thereafter, a few minor revisions. Always less than you think but not as bad as the gallery – I say hells yes. Still have to find job; something that lets me write. I called Ryder with info, left message. Have to go to NY to sign contract so job hunt suspended for now. Mon 13 Sept 76 Avril and Mike met me and Ryder at The Royal Warrant for drinks to celebrate my book. I wore long sexy purple lace-up dress – nothing he’d object to however. (Royal Warrant because their drinks are huge.) Wore sandals with kitten heels and I was still taller than him. I wonder if that’s what this is about. I invited him home after and he accepted. He concentrated on making me come. Said he can’t consider dating a girl who doesn’t wear a bra. I said I might wear one in my first pregnancy. Gave him my copy of Intimate Enemy when he left. Reading Brownmiller’s excellent Against our Will. 11:45 AM 14 Sept 76 – Tues. Boiling hot. I need a full-time psychiatric nurse, vicious guard dog and a secretary. Phone ringing off the hook. Agent called reversing charges. Ryder wants to celebrate salary bump. How can two people who despise each other as much as we do want to have sex all the time? Beats me. Ryder’ s latest charge is that I wrote a novel for money. Get it? I’m a prostitute! Then he marches off to his yessir, nosir job whistling. You can’t win with him. Cheered myself up reading old diaries about my marriage. At least it’s not as bad as that. I used to lock myself in the bathroom to howl. Reading Simenon’s Venice Train. He is too mannered. Ryder forced me to look at his island pictures – I am the ugliest beautiful woman in the world. He tries to use this against me but of course we were fighting the whole time. No one can be lovely under such conditions. Does “love” entail not just “sacrifice” but loss of identity? Went out and bought a pair of six inch heels. When I am with Ryder, I love him but when I’m away, the cloud lifts. Attempting to seduce Devon with a copy of the poem Cedarwood Chest. God knows what he’ll think but I know he’ll give a better reaction than R. Lunch in NY 12:30 Tues – have to take the 7 AM train to make it work! 7:45 AM Mon 20 Sept 76 R’s latest accusation is that I fell in love first!! So weird. Reminiscent of Bruce. Some version of gaslighting? It’s a definite power grab. He said he was “embarrassed” by my emotional intensity! I have a feeling he’s trying to cobble together a story he can tell other people. As for me, I’m trying to figure out what really happened. Used to think R’s lack of experience wouldn’t affect us but I can see it really has. Got my hair cut; of course I think it’s too short. Dreading what Genevieve will say.
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Alysse Aallyn
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