9:45 AM Wed July 28 76
Anniversary of Toss Sheffield relieving me of my impacted virginity (as I relieved him of his.) R came yesterday at 2 – left at 3 – came back at 5. Another watershed in our relationship – Fears. He’s afraid to lose the hearing in his good ear. He speaks sign language but doesn’t want to live in a world without sound. I made him promise to go the doctor. He agreed to make an appointment no later than Weds. Reading Christina Stead’s wonderful Dark Places of the Heart. Considered inviting Ryder to live with us – rejected the idea. I need too much alone time. So important to establish amour proper. I am so impoverished from setting up the house (though I’ve made enough in tips to pay my taxi ride home tonight) I am barely going to make the rent. Need a windfall. Sweaty and smelly. I think I’ve boogie –oogie-oogied till I just can’t boogie no more. Club Shalimar– 30 July 76 Cookout at Ryder’s parents – I met his folks – two roly-poly people who are nothing like him – one sister who is a lot younger. We had glorious talks on our way there and back – about having our own space – (we agreed he needs to live alone); our hopes and dreams (he used to write music, wants to do that again someday – I told him I have an agent shopping a novel around) first impressions (I discovered he was in the bar when I auditioned! Horrors!) He said what intrigues him most about me is that he can’t figure me out – still can’t – everything about me is a surprise. I guess I could say the same about him. Wonderful abandoned sex – just crazy stuff – I came and came. He told me he spent last night at his old house – he and his wife had to have a “meeting”. I was jealous until he told me that his wife is sexually dead – and always has been. He didn’t understand it when they married, assuming it was something you get over. I suggested she was probably molested as a child – he didn’t want to believe it. He thinks some people are sexually just asexual. I thought – but didn’t say – there’s a self-protective concept. He doesn’t want to think she is turned off of him but in my experience – such as it is – chemistry is a completely mysterious yet crucial factor women have a tendency to discount it when choosing a life partner. So they end up married to the “perfect” person, except they’re not sexually stirred. 2:00 AM. He tucked me in – kissed me – left – then I was wakened with his hands all over me. When he got to his car he realized our clock had stopped and he didn’t have time to go home before work. So he snuck back in the sliding door. We had sex again, and the whole night became a snake eating its own tail. This morning got a wonderful poem: Love, the Magician. t 31 2 31 July 76 Shalimar R came in but I managed to get rid of him. Sandy brought in a huge bag of string beans, squash and tomatoes from her garden – I told Ryder to take them home and cook them. My job is turning into a source of tremendous conflict – he is the snake in his own paradise. Plus tips really fall off when he is here. I am already looking at a very tough month financially – trying to take so much time off. He said he’ll be back at the end of the night to pick me up – he’s hurt when I’m “in need” and don’t call him. So that saves cab fare anyhow. We took a walk between sets and talked about his parents – second generation immigrants, lifelong Army. He doesn’t tell them anything (they obviously know his marriage broke up and now he’s with me – but they don’t know about his deafness, for example or about his classes at Gallaudet.) He said to me, can you believe I’ve only seen these people twice in the past four years? And we live in the same state. Wait till he meets my parents – shudder. I’ll put it off as long as I possibly can. Dancing tonight with Alicia. Poor Alicia. She’s a “dripper”(constantly leaking pee) but blames it on hypoglycemia. She hates dancing when there are so few people in here. It’s kind of interesting. She sort of has a whorish appearance and doesn’t realize she’s trapped in a vicious cycle – audience thinks she’s a loose woman, she thinks they’re perverts. I’m trying not to fall into the super-loving, super-giving trap but Ryder is the first guy I’ve ever met who would obviously be a wonderful father. Rare among men under thirty? Or something. Talked to A on the phone – she was bored to tears at home so I suggested she come in. We shared a burger basket and she saw me dance for the first time. She wasn’t grossed out at all by the semi-nudity – which is good – told me I’m a great dancer and she really envies me my pelvic wiggle. Also told me I have a terrific body – which really cheered me up because I still feel too hefty around Ryder. (At his parents’ house we went over his old scrapbooks – he was the star quarterback in high school football. They described him as 5’4”! That’s a lot shorter than he admits to these days. His boots have at least two inch heels.) A left after one set because all the guys of course came on to her. Obvious losers, alas, including the one who insists he’s a hitman for the CIA and another who claims to be giving away government jobs. Unfortunately I’m dependent on the tips of these characters. Ryder has been telling them all that I’m a writer (instead of a call girl, presumably) which gives me a lot of explaining to do. I wish I had money to buy things the house needs – flashlights and fuses and drainers and shelving and all that stuff – but I’m saving every bit for our trip to the Finger Lakes. Aug 5 will mark one month in the house and six months since I quit the architects. Seems like much longer than that. Where will I be six months from now? Hope my gothic novel sells – I need an immediate hundred grand. I really can’t write with R sucking up all my free time. I’ve been struggling with another poem about him – even that isn’t coming. Hopefully we’ll settle down into being able to work side by side quietly – maybe after our vacation. 6:00 PM, Chevy Chase Tyler St, 2 Aug 76 Across the street Shoulders, dressed in a skimpy football undershirt, is mowing his lawn. He is a sight to behold. Sitting over my repaired typewriter with a cup of hot tea and a case of writer’s block. I could write a poem about Shoulders – already R is interfering with my life. Beautiful day – a little chilly – a little Maine edge to it. Finished Stead’s Dark Places – which I adored – absolutely one of a kind. Another bothersome thing about R – he really doesn’t read. He’s been dragging around a sleazy paperback “heist comedy” he pretends to read from time to time. At this rate it will take him six months. I am struggling with All Authors are Equal but I may give up on it and read Famous Washington Ghosts which R picked up for me to add to my considerable collection of ghost stories (I must have 50 vols.) On the phone with Maeve my old Baltimore buddy – she is behind in her rent but looking for a new job. In the meantime borrowing from boyfriends. I take a perverse pleasure that anyone is managing worse than me. Shalimar – 10:20 PM Called in tonight to replace another girl – great – that means I work 5 times this week. Just that small amount makes a big difference. A is in the chips right now and I could owe her but don’t want to. When I came in they told me R had been in 30 mins before. That was a little unsettling – I didn’t realize he would come in if I weren’t here. Of course it is really close to his job – but equally of course the food is more expensive here than just about anywhere else he could choose. I look at who was dancing to see whether he would think she was in any way better than me – luckily it was the pisser Alicia instead of potentially scary competition like, say, Gloria. He didn’t know I was coming in, because Carmen didn’t tell him. Reading the Ghosts of Washington. Wonderful poem potential.
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Alysse Aallyn
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